March 20, 2013

Cricket fraternity aghast at McCullum remark

All the shocking news you missed in recent days

Dhawan brings new hope to the moustachioed
Shikhar Dhawan's stunning debut against Australia means a lot of things to a lot of people, but perhaps most to a struggling, silent minority all too often overlooked in cricket: the moustachioed.

A lot of people laughed when Dhawan started twisting the points of his 'tache after reaching his maiden hundred, but for this much-maligned and misunderstood community, it was the equivalent of the Black Panther salute at the medals podium in the '68 Olympics, and what that gesture meant for human rights.

"It's a new day for the likes of us," said one teary-eyed emerging player who described himself as having had, up until Dhawan's gesture, "the face of a handlebar moustache trapped behind the face of a forcibly clean-shaven one".

Nayar inconsolable after missing out on world record for longest over
Abhishek Nayar was distraught at narrowly missing out on beating the world record for the longest over ever bowled, after a lion-hearted effort saw him equal the existing record of 17 balls during a Deodhar Trophy match in India. "I didn't even know what the record was until someone told me at the end of play," said Nayar, who admitted that the news was all the more difficult to stomach because it was a Pakistani, Mohammad Sami, he would have beaten had he bowled just one more extra.

Pattinson promoted to class monitor*
James Pattinson has reportedly been promoted to class monitor after publicly coming out in support of "Professor" Mickey Arthur's recently ridiculed policies. "I know if I was in their position, as a team member, I'd be quite disappointed in them for being a bit selfish," said the fast bowler of his fellow discards as he feverishly polished a bright red apple, the 12th such fruit he had left on the desk of his coach since the axing of the four. Pattinson has reportedly also taken to being picked up after school by his parents, rather than risk walking home alone and being ambushed by "that big bully" Shane Watson.

Gang of Four narrowly avoids being called Skinfolds Five
Australia's so-called Gang of Four has, presumably, been named after the notorious Chinese politicians who received their comeuppance after the Cultural Revolution, and not so much for the seminal punk band of the same name. Nevertheless, the foursome can take solace in the fact that they just narrowly missed, due to their lack of one more slacker in their midst, being called Skinfolds Five - for the "high skinfolds" indiscretion that Arthur took his players to task for, and the decidedly un-seminal, non-punk band Ben Folds Five.

So chin up, fellas!

Commentator successfully alludes to game from unrelated broadcast images
A TV commentator successfully drew a connection to the game from a series of unrelated images being broadcast between deliveries, marking the umpteenth time this had been done in the history of cricket commentary.

As the broadcast of the match cut between deliveries to activity outside the stadium (a rowboat being paddled by fishermen down-river), the commentator displayed all his experience and skill when he remarked: "Those men are paddling what appears to be a rowboat down the river. Looks like hard work." Here he paused, before delivering the effortless coup de grace everyone knew was coming: "Almost as hard as the bowlers are having it on the pitch today."

The commentator, clearly a veteran well versed in such arts, then relaxed, knowing that he deserved every penny that he made from a job he was clearly skilled at.

Cricket fraternity aghast at McCullum remark
"Oh no, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" said multiple sources across the cricketing fraternity after Brendon McCullum appeared to mention in an interview that Alastair Cook was the best batsman since Don Bradman.

"Aw, heck, no," confirmed other sources. "What's he gone and done?"

"But Alastair Cook isn't Sachin Tendulkar," said one disbelieving Indian fan. "How does it even make any sense?"

"Oh, Brendon," added further millions of cricket fans.

Renewed calls for Sri Lankan cricket to mark time as pre- and post-Muralitharan
Following another less-than-ideal performance by its bowlers in a Test match, and this time against Bangladesh, Sri Lanka Cricket has come under renewed pressure from angry fans to demarcate its cricketing history with the suffixes BM (Before Muralitharan) and PM (Post Muralitharan). The cricket board had not as yet officially commented on the situation.

Hafeez insecure in wake of Homeworkgate
Pakistan's Mohammad "The Professor" Hafeez is said to be taking a long, hard look at himself after developing a bit of an inferiority complex, post Homeworkgate.

"Do you think I'm being too soft on our own students?" he mused over his bifocals at his graduate assistant as they corrected term papers well into the night in his office recently. "Look at that Michael Clarke. He knows how to keep the kids in line."

Hafeez is reportedly planning on "bringing out the big stick" during Pakistan's next match against South Africa, and has warned his team that he's in no mood for anything less than an A-plus for effort, having raised the bar from the usual A.

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?