"I learned my craft from the best. No one sucks like Page 2."

"I need time to recover after reading Page 2. Go away. I want to be alone"

"My licence to kill was stolen by an evil corporation. I have retrieved all of it but for page 2."

"The only thing elementary about Page 2 is the IQ of its creators."

"The existence of Page 2 only confirms my law of motion. It forces humour down the throats of unsuspecting readers who then vomit their lunches out with an equal amount of force."

"Yo Page 2, Imma really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but WW2 was the best No. 2 of all time."

"Genital warts? Bah! What I had was an outbreak of revulsion-induced hives upon reading Page 2."

"Considering the dangers posed by the so-called humour on this page, you'll see why affordable healthcare for all is so high on my list of priorities."

"When people look at me they turn to stone, when people look at Page 2, they turn to pick up stones."

"The difference between a billionaire heiress and Page 2 is that I can pay people to laugh at my jokes."

"They came to watch me bat, not to read such buffoonery."

"You don't need to be a kabbalah expert to know this page is a turkey, but it helps."

"Page 2's success is a unique validation of my theory of evolution. It's the survival of the vilest."

"Being married to a football star is a lot like being a writer on Page 2: no one thinks you've done it for love and everyone thinks they can do a better job than you."

"Page 2 stinks and I have definitive proof. What do you mean you don't need proof?"

"Page 2's humour is toxic and that's the Inconvenient Truth. We must all pledge never to read it again for the sake of our future generations."

"Page 2 is like me: we both love to entertain and then get slapped for our efforts."

"The day I put Page 2 on the cover of Playboy will be the day bleach-blonde 20-somethings are no longer attracted to octogenarian billionaires."

"Excuse me? I don't think we are 'bros' just because I did a show about nothing and you have a page about nothing."

"Oh baby, I'll endorse you if you dress in a little white uniform... or in lettuce and mayo""