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Cricket, you've been served

Not everything in our game is as it seems. Call the lawyers now

Samantha Pendergrast

Comments: 28 | Text size: A | A

An America woman recently sued the distributors of the movie Drive because the trailer supposedly misled her into believing the plot involved car chases or racing action. It set off a rash of people declaring movies they would like to sue for misleading titles. And it got us thinking of how cricket has misled those who don't know and don't love it. The following is not a comprehensive list, only what we are calling our lawyers up for. Send us your entries in the comments.

Rahul Dravid shows his frustration after falling to Graeme Swann in India's second innings, England v India, 4th Test, The Oval, 4th day, August 21, 2011
Rahul Dravid is frustrated at being sued despite having taken pains to get a whitewash done in England © PA Photos

The Ashes For not being a competition to judge who the better arsonist is

All out Actually there is one who remains not out

Bats Because their sweet spots taste distinctly un-sugary

Clean-bowled Not as hygienic as it claims to be, usually being accompanied by bits of mud and grass, which the uprooted stump brings to surface

Death overs For not being bowled by the Grim Reaper

Googly It's not a faster, no-frills version of the search engine; in fact it's not searchable, being so hard to pick

Ian Botham Does not cook well on a barbecue, and refuses to be stuffed into a steak and kidney pie

Knocking on selectors' doors We'll withhold taking action till we see evidence of worn-down doors and scuffed knuckles

Legspin Does not turn to leg for a right-hander. True, it breaks from leg, but as a delivery it deceives of its intention. Same for offspin and reverse-swing

Mumbai Indians Not Indians or from Mumbai

Nightwatchman For not staying awake at night (unless he's a jittery sort)

No-ball For being a ball

One-day international Lasts about 16 hours fewer than it should

Rahul Dravid Is not a combination of bricks and cement

Sidebottom Does not have a disproportionately aligned posterior

Sledging For not having the proper Christmas spirit

A sticky wicket Doesn't aid the affixing of stamps to envelopes, does it?

Sweeper a) Does not clean up; b) Is not a fielder who intercepts the sweep shot

Third man For not being the same as a No. 3

Umpires Never respond accurately to the question "Howzzat?" They say "out" or "not out", but they never say how it was. Suitable potential responses drafted by ESPNcricinfo team: "Fine", "Not so hot", "I've seen better", "Whatta ripper", "In the good areas but didn't do much", "Ooh, that's a close one, eh?"

Wanderers For staying put

World Cup Ignores more than 93% of the world

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 28 
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Comments have now been closed for this article

Posted by Kamani on (October 22, 2011, 14:25 GMT)

Chinaman: he is not made of China

Posted by Kamani on (October 22, 2011, 14:21 GMT)

Hatrick: for not being a Hat

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 22, 2011, 5:41 GMT)

i would sue lagaan... coz no amount o f prayer in a losing situation makes the captain hit a last ball 6 to win a game

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 22, 2011, 5:12 GMT)

Forward Short Leg: How can I see it?

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 22, 2011, 2:28 GMT)

skipper-not exactly someone who 'skips' in any sense.

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 21, 2011, 19:19 GMT)

leg slip: for whom the leg is not slipped

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 21, 2011, 18:46 GMT)

Good one but there are many more one can think of and which are of course better than the personified ones like on Botham, Dravid and SideBottom. Few have been mentioned already few here: Short - leg: for not always being short. Same goes for fine-leg :) Mid-off and Mid-on: they should be same middle of on and off :) Silly-mid off: For not being silly Slip: for not always letting a ball slipped through them.. point: for not being a point. golden duck: lol

these are just few many more can be thought

Posted by Dummy4 on (October 21, 2011, 17:43 GMT)

Cricket match for not being a competition between hoping insects

Posted by Harkirat on (October 21, 2011, 15:41 GMT)

oh, can think of a few myself...

Square Leg: for being no different than normal legs (or fine legs)

Beamer: for not beaming anyone anywhere

Long Hop: 1) for being the same as 'Short' Pitched 2) for lack of any hopping

Silly Point: for wrongly degrading the intellect of a cricketer

Slip: for standing so steady

Wicket Keeper: for not getting to keep the wickets

Wrong 'Un: for being a perfectly legal delivery

Posted by Srinivas on (October 21, 2011, 15:21 GMT)

Bowl a Maiden Over....hmph!! Not the same way it should be!!!

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