This, that and the other. Mostly the other
As discovered by Samantha Pendergrast
Everyone keeps asking me how I feel today. How do you think I feel? Like a parent of an adorable baby that grew into a buck-toothed teenager - one who likes to hang out with a set of undesirables who are clearly friends with him to take advantage of his father's fame. Like Alexander G Bell would feel if he saw what the News of the World used his invention for. Like Chris Columbus would if he saw America today.
What kind of idiot gets Bollywood stars to perform in Chennai? Talk about an audience disconnect. And Katy Perry? I hear the other two headliners shortlisted were Ringside (Joaquin Phoenix's band) and Shinee, a South Korean boy band.
Not that there weren't any good moments. The poetry at the start was lovely, and obviously inspired by my philosophical and moving speech at the closing ceremony in 2010.
Of course the IPL is still popular, in the way celebrity children are: you want to know if they look like their famous parents and if they are as fashionable.
But while I keep one eye on the IPL, I have several projects that are keeping me very busy. One that's taking a lot of my time is the making of the movie The Commissioner - a touching tale of what happens when a genius humanitarian's invention is taken away by greedy financiers who want to use it for purposes of evil. The script is done and I can see studios signing me up for at least two sequels. Meanwhile I'm drawing up my cast list, which will be a mix of American and Indian actors.
Me: George Clooney
Apart from the obvious resemblance, I enjoyed his roles in Ocean's Eleven, where he is in charge of a consortium of
thieves enterprising men taking chances on some risky investments.
Shah Rukh Khan: Rajnikanth
I would have liked Shah Rukh to be in the movie, naturally, but I have been advised that he tends to over-act even when he plays himself. And no one plays larger-than-life characters better than Rajni.
Shilpa Shetty: Nupur Mehta
Mehta is now a well known figure in cricket and entertainment circles, internationally. And with her experience of dating cricketers, she will be comfortable bossing them around on screen.
Song-and-dance number for the masses: Shilpa Shetty
It's what she does.
Vijay Mallya: Johnny Depp
Like Jack Sparrow, Mallya is a debonair figure always getting into sticky messes and then surprising everyone by extricating himself superbly from them. Also, I think he'd look good in a hat.
Sid Mallya: (put under extras)
Preity Zinta: (use any cheerleader)
Nita Ambani: Meryl Streep
Only the magnificent Oscar-winning actress can do justice to the grandeur and grace of India's first lady.
Bloody hell! The Olympic organising committee just sent a reply to mine offering my services for a small fee. It's burnt bits of my letter. Did they expect me to offer them for free? Did they think innovations like strategic timeouts and blimps just appear out of nowhere? That they don't need to be carefully planned after studying market conditions and viewer interests? Do they know how much legal advice and court fees cost these days? Or... wait, it signifies that they want me to carry the torch?
One thing that really makes me proud of the IPL, whether I'm there or not, is the innovations it brings out in players. Batting, bowling, catching, strategising, ogling at the cheerleaders on the sly, managing to avoid cameras when slapping team-mates, and now kickass hairstyles. Tendulkar, Zaheer and Sunil Narine have all shown their respect for the IPL by displaying some super funky hair. Maybe Shinee did turn out at the IPL after all.
All quotes and facts in this article are fiction (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
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