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'Pulling out a nose hair is the most painful experience'
Fear, suffering, and how to cope with both in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
11-Sep-2014
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Fear, suffering and how to cope with both in this week's Twitter round-up. There's also another nugget of wisdom from Auntie Kemar Roach, world-renowned relationship counsellor
Steven Finn loves his job.
Full postCaptain Cook speaks on current topics
The man has an opinion on non-cricketing matters as well, you know
Alan Tyers
08-Sep-2014
On the England football team
"You don't become bad players overnight and there's every reason to suppose that England will go to the World Cup in Russia with a fighting chance of winning it. Or qualifying, at the very least. Actually my own record in qualifying for cricket World Cups is something of which I am quite proud."
"You don't become bad players overnight and there's every reason to suppose that England will go to the World Cup in Russia with a fighting chance of winning it. Or qualifying, at the very least. Actually my own record in qualifying for cricket World Cups is something of which I am quite proud."
On the problems facing Manchester United
"Those guys are working very hard, and when you have the quality they have in that dressing room you know it's just a matter of time before one of them scores a goal or makes a tackle or possibly comes in at the problem No. 3 spot for the England ODI side and really makes everyone take notice. If Radamel Falcao wants it and he puts in the work there's no reason he couldn't be there or thereabouts when we play Sri Lanka later this year, particularly when you factor in his useful seam-up as a fifth bowling option."
"Those guys are working very hard, and when you have the quality they have in that dressing room you know it's just a matter of time before one of them scores a goal or makes a tackle or possibly comes in at the problem No. 3 spot for the England ODI side and really makes everyone take notice. If Radamel Falcao wants it and he puts in the work there's no reason he couldn't be there or thereabouts when we play Sri Lanka later this year, particularly when you factor in his useful seam-up as a fifth bowling option."
On The X Factor
"Very much so obviously Simon Cowell knows that this is a game of fine margins and some of those contestants in the first auditions stages - like the lad who sounded like a walrus being punched in the face - maybe have a little bit of work to put in. But you don't become a bad X Factor contestant overnight, you have to really work at it, like we do over trying not to panic and run from the field screaming at the sight of a bloke from Foreign doing that spinny bowling thing. Louis Walsh has been an absolute rock for me."
Full post"Very much so obviously Simon Cowell knows that this is a game of fine margins and some of those contestants in the first auditions stages - like the lad who sounded like a walrus being punched in the face - maybe have a little bit of work to put in. But you don't become a bad X Factor contestant overnight, you have to really work at it, like we do over trying not to panic and run from the field screaming at the sight of a bloke from Foreign doing that spinny bowling thing. Louis Walsh has been an absolute rock for me."
Cooky and Mooresy make World Cup plan
We sit in on a top-level meeting to help England win the - you know, the thing that isn't the Ashes
Alex Bowden
04-Sep-2014
A faceless meeting room within ECB Towers. Peter Moores and Alastair Cook are strategising. An ECB laptop-usage manager sits in with them
Cook: What we need to do, uhhm, is work out exactly what's needed to win the Ashes.
Moores: The World Cup, Cooky. It's the World Cup next.
Full postThe all-new national cricket board rankings
Why should all the lists be just about the players?
James Marsh
01-Sep-2014
The recent news that Angelo Mathews is officially the world's third-best Test batsman saw many supporters' eyebrows raised to Warnean levels. The surprise in some quarters stirred much debate and proved once again that where there's a list, there's some cricket fans squabbling over it. On this basis, it's a bit short-sighted of the ICC to limit their ratings to only players and teams, so here, to provoke discussion, are the first ever International Board Rankings. It seemed silly to base the points system on anything as mundane as competence and good governance, so they are listed in order of entertainment value:
1. Zimbabwe Cricket, 1100 points
ZC launched a well-timed assault on the inaugural top spot with their decision to ban allrounder Tinashe Panyangara from the current tri-series for jokily sharing a compilation video of Mitchell Johnson's bowel-wobbling short stuff with his own side's batsmen. Panyangara - labelled "disruptive" to the team environment - has effectively become the first cricketer to be banned for banter, which, while a not wholly disagreeable precedent, does seem a touch harsh. He was also fined US $1000, which, in Zimbabwe's inflation-wrecked economy, is roughly equivalent to the IPL auction value of one Glenn Maxwell.
ZC launched a well-timed assault on the inaugural top spot with their decision to ban allrounder Tinashe Panyangara from the current tri-series for jokily sharing a compilation video of Mitchell Johnson's bowel-wobbling short stuff with his own side's batsmen. Panyangara - labelled "disruptive" to the team environment - has effectively become the first cricketer to be banned for banter, which, while a not wholly disagreeable precedent, does seem a touch harsh. He was also fined US $1000, which, in Zimbabwe's inflation-wrecked economy, is roughly equivalent to the IPL auction value of one Glenn Maxwell.
2. Bangladesh Cricket Board, 1046 points
Banning alleged bad boy Shakib Al Hasan for six months was initially on the yeti side of heavy-handed. Reducing his ban to three months just after you've crashed to a 3-0 ODI series defeat against West Indies was a comic masterstroke, akin to a city mayor sacking the entire fire service, then reinstating them all when the public not unreasonably pointed out it was getting a little bit smoky everywhere. Strong work.
Full postBanning alleged bad boy Shakib Al Hasan for six months was initially on the yeti side of heavy-handed. Reducing his ban to three months just after you've crashed to a 3-0 ODI series defeat against West Indies was a comic masterstroke, akin to a city mayor sacking the entire fire service, then reinstating them all when the public not unreasonably pointed out it was getting a little bit smoky everywhere. Strong work.
Tests reveal new idiosyncrasies in Ajmal's action
Offspinner may have been gaining unfair advantage in ways hitherto not thought of
R Rajkumar
29-Aug-2014
Things seem to be going from bad to worse for Saeed Ajmal, after reports that initial rounds of testing at the newly ICC-accredited Cricket Australia National Cricket Centre for Cricket in Australia Centre have reportedly not just been solely focused on whether or not he bowls with a greater degree of flex than is permitted due to a "kink" in what bewildered scientists are tentatively labelling an "elbow," but also on a number of other allegedly newly discovered and no less contentious ways and means in which the spinner is suspected of deriving an unfair advantage over batsmen.
"After fresh and prolonged examination of the footage of his testing, during which time the only thing that could be heard in the room was the sound of us all collectively breathing through our mouths, we have revised our suspicions about Mr Ajmal anew," confirmed an excited Geoff Allardice from ICC headquarters in Dubai. "We now have good reason to suspect that the problem is more deep-seated and systemic than we thought." Allardice confirmed that the tests weren't just focusing on Ajmal's doosra anymore, and were instead training their efforts on other aspects of the bowler and his action, which have apparently revealed some interesting insights already.
"For starters," continued Allardice, pointing to a pixellated image on his phone of the Michael Vaughan tweet that may or may not have started it all, "if you look closely here at the point of delivery, anyone can see that the elbow is the least of our worries. Ajmal is clearly also employing what appears to be a human 'hand,' attached to what looks suspiciously like an 'arm,' which in turn rotates on what we understand now to be a so-called 'shoulder joint,' all of which are illegal by association with the elbow."
Full post'Stuck in the hotel toilet for the last hour'
And other delightful revelations in our Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
28-Aug-2014
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Makeshift beds, broken teeth and a lack of clarity regarding the exact status of Mitchell Marsh's facial hair in this week's Twitter round-up.
The pauper
You probably think you're getting to know Kemar Roach by now, but maybe you should shelve your preconceptions. He might yet have the capacity to surprise…
Full postYou probably think you're getting to know Kemar Roach by now, but maybe you should shelve your preconceptions. He might yet have the capacity to surprise…
India's medium-pace tradition must not be allowed to decay
It's shameful that aspiring young Indian cricketers idolise Ambrose and Waqar rather than Binny and Solkar
Sidin Vadukut
26-Aug-2014
It was an uncommonly cold, windy and wet day in Kochi recently when I visited the Marthanda Varma Used Umbrella Emporium Medium Pace Foundation, popularly known to cricket fans as the MVUUEE Medium Pace Foundation. My guide for the trip was the founding director of the Medium Pace Foundation, and dab old hand in the art of Indian military medium, Dheerendra Singh Dheerey.
"The Medium Pace Foundation was a direct response to the atrocity that is the MRF Pace Foundation," Singh explained as he unlocked the main gate and ushered me inside. The foundation is usually open every day of the week, every week of the year. But not today. "Today, I have given my students a day off," explained Singh. "All this wind and cold and moisture will unnecessarily increase their pace and bounce and make them more effective, and that would undo all the efforts we have made with them for so many months," he said, looking at the sky and nodding sadly.
Singh led me down the tree-lined Gavin Larsen Avenue, and through the doors of the Foundation's main building. In front, emblazoned in large aluminium letters were the words: "Abey Kuruvilla Memorial Administrative Block And Laundry". I gently reminded Singh that Abey is very much still alive. "Yes, that was a misunderstanding with the architect," Singh explained, "but eventually one day Abey will…" He mouthed a silent prayer with his eyes closed.
Singh started the Medium Pace Foundation in 1992, he says, in order to save the essential Indian art of slow-medium-pace bowling. "These MRF fellows started that pace foundation along with Dennis Lillee in a blatant attempt to destroy many decades of established Indian expertise in slow seaming."
Full postShastri and Fletch: the movie
It's the odd-couple buddy story set to be this summer's blockbuster hit
Alan Tyers
25-Aug-2014
Gruff veteran cop Fletch is paired up with excitable rookie Shastri for a thrilling adventure around England that turns into a journey of discovery for both men.
Interior, night, the Indian dressing room. Fletch is sitting quietly, studying a video of Ravi Jadeja batting and muttering to himself.
Fletch: Look at his pathetic excuse for a forward press. That little drip, I'd like to forward press him right down that flight of stairs. Anderson had the right idea - 1.2 billion people and not an Ashley Giles-type character among them.
Shastri enters.
Full postThe ECB's blueprint for success for India
If they want to win like England, they need to muck about with their captain, coach and best player
James Marsh
22-Aug-2014
India capitulated to England. Well, to say capitulated doesn't really do it justice. They repeatedly collapsed like a row of deckchairs built from dominoes a herd of buffalo had just decided to have a little sit-down in. From the galactic highs of Lord's, in Southampton, Manchester and at The Oval they plummeted back to Earth faster than a meteorite with vertigo. Did they get too distracted by Pushgate? Has the IPL destroyed their Test techniques? Did the entire squad have a mass portentous vision of Ian Botham's future Twitter feed, rendering the eye part of their hand-eye coordination irreparably damaged when batting?
There are no easy answers to this malaise, but if India want some inspiration for how to bounce back from an away shellacking, they need look no further than their rampaging hosts. Some may suggest England's post-Ashes New Era eventual success has come about as much by luck as judgement, but if the BCCI adheres to the following blueprint (as devised by the ECB), their team too will be back winning matches in no time. Well, certainly within a year or so.
Appoint the right sort of captain
When Giles Clarke noted that Alastair Cook's family were "very much the sort of people" the relatives of the England cricket captain should be, many observers scoffed. They were quite wrong to do so. No one is casting aspersions on MS Dhoni's kin, but India must take heed from England's elitist selection policy and find a leader who was born with not so much a silver spoon in his mouth as an entire cutlery set carved out of diamonds. There's just one man who fits the bill. Although his being long retired may be something of a sticking point, only Sourav Ganguly has the blood blue enough to lead India out of the darkness.
Full postWhen Giles Clarke noted that Alastair Cook's family were "very much the sort of people" the relatives of the England cricket captain should be, many observers scoffed. They were quite wrong to do so. No one is casting aspersions on MS Dhoni's kin, but India must take heed from England's elitist selection policy and find a leader who was born with not so much a silver spoon in his mouth as an entire cutlery set carved out of diamonds. There's just one man who fits the bill. Although his being long retired may be something of a sticking point, only Sourav Ganguly has the blood blue enough to lead India out of the darkness.
