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While its exact nature is not known, the effects of its presence are clearly identifiable. The possessed, and all who are in any way affiliated with them, will react to threat in an astonishing manner - they will fold like paper and buckle like a belt.

Some say that the demon is Satan himself and when it is suggested that its work isn't perhaps quite evil enough for that to be the case, these people suggest that maybe he has just lost a bit of devilry in his old age and doesn't really have the energy any more, probably preferring a quiet night in. They may also hypothesise that Satan is simply working part-time and isn't really putting his heart and lack-of-soul into it any more, now that he's approaching pension age.

With it emerging that England are now brilliant at cricket after all, pundits and former players have reviewed tapes of themselves talking about Cook and admitted that their original verdict was incorrect.

Several experts are expected to argue that while it may have looked in real-time that Cook was a complete disaster, further replays indicate that MS Dhoni may have touched even greater heights of hopelessness.

Around 40 minutes before the start of the day's play, the place is largely empty bar a few conservatively kitted out patrons who have arrived early and are peering over their papers watching the team warm-ups. The Indians are having their usual game of football, or at least something resembling football if it were played by Labrador puppies. Enthusiasm rather than expertise is very much the watchword here, but it's enjoyable fare. England are playing touch rugby, quite impressively as it happens. The atmosphere is so quiet and sedate you could be forgiven for thinking you are in for a day of similar tranquility to that found in St John's Wood. As the other seats start to fill up, however, it becomes clear this would be a misapprehension on par with backing Ravindra Jadeja to buy James Anderson a really lovely birthday present.

As Joe Root and Jos Buttler walk out, so the hordes emerge from beneath the stand. At Lord's, gentlemen's legs are generally covered in pastel-coloured trousers. Here they are largely uncovered and merely pasty, although those in shorts are almost outnumbered by those in costume. The propensity for cross-dressing is extraordinary: Pink Ladies from Grease, sturdy nuns with stubble and paunches, plenty of St Trinian schoolgirls with hairy calves protruding above their pop socks. Two people have come dressed as Lynx deodorant, although their gender is admittedly indeterminate. The atmosphere is already registering as jaunty on the high jinks scale. England's progress is serene. A boundary is greeted by the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street waving up at the big screen. He is accompanied by a lady dressed as what looks like Minnie Mouse.

Venison
Apparently the Epsom club nearly ruined itself financially after providing three haunches of venison by way of catering during a friendly match. They also drank the cellar dry, the chairman politely claiming the final bottle all for himself on the grounds that it would be "ridiculous" to divide it amongst so many.

Grace describes this form of cricket as "very enjoyable" and who are we to argue? The big man was also partial to refreshing himself mid-innings with "champagne and seltzer". Sports nutritionists can learn a lot from such things.

In direct contravention of Indian wishes, Anderson was cleared by a judge for pushing Ravi Jadeja, in part because the Indian legal team were unable to produce footage of the incident. An 11th-hour submission of a video by the Indians turned out to be only a DVD entitled Wow, I Am Amazing directed by and starring Virat Kohli, but this was swiftly ruled to be inadmissible.

In contravention of recent precedent, Australians and Englishmen did not bend over backwards to give India exactly what they wanted - i.e. James Anderson banned and replaced in perpetuity by comedy's Jade Dernbach. The game's most powerful nation has said enough is enough.