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Broad and the walking debate: a summary
Don't quite know who stands where on the whole saga? This primer will help
Alan Tyers
15-Jul-2013
A brilliant, and brilliantly controversial, Test match has seem figures as diverse as Richard Dawkins and Piers Morgan having their say on batsmen not walking. The amount of opinion and argument has become overwhelming, so please find below a handy guide summarising the major debating positions on the matter.
The former professional cricketer
Broad was absolutely within his rights to stand there. That's what the umpires are for. Their job is to make the decisions; Broad's job is to score runs, take wickets and have a tantrum if the umpire's decisions don't go his way. The fact that the entire world could see he'd hit it just shows what a competitor he has become: at Test level, you have to take every advantage you can get. If Broad had brought a samurai sword to the wicket with him and decapitated Brad Haddin while Aleem Dar's back was turned, that would be fine too. If you can get away with it, good luck to you. It's just naïve to think that a professional cricketer shouldn't murder an opponent in the heat of an Ashes battle if he can do so without getting caught.
Broad was absolutely within his rights to stand there. That's what the umpires are for. Their job is to make the decisions; Broad's job is to score runs, take wickets and have a tantrum if the umpire's decisions don't go his way. The fact that the entire world could see he'd hit it just shows what a competitor he has become: at Test level, you have to take every advantage you can get. If Broad had brought a samurai sword to the wicket with him and decapitated Brad Haddin while Aleem Dar's back was turned, that would be fine too. If you can get away with it, good luck to you. It's just naïve to think that a professional cricketer shouldn't murder an opponent in the heat of an Ashes battle if he can do so without getting caught.
The old generation of supporters
Broad is an absolute disgrace and should never play for England again. In fact, he should be hanged. And then told he will never play for England again. I remember watching BP "Kipper" Mantelpiece of Warwickshire and England edge one behind in the 1784 Ashes series and his upper lip quivered for perhaps a quarter of a second before he walked off. Well, there was hell to pay, I can tell you: his own captain had Kipper shot for dissent, and quite right too. It just shows the way this country's gone to the dogs that they even need to have umpires at all, in fact. Whatever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions? Polly bloody Toynbee, that's what.
Full postBroad is an absolute disgrace and should never play for England again. In fact, he should be hanged. And then told he will never play for England again. I remember watching BP "Kipper" Mantelpiece of Warwickshire and England edge one behind in the 1784 Ashes series and his upper lip quivered for perhaps a quarter of a second before he walked off. Well, there was hell to pay, I can tell you: his own captain had Kipper shot for dissent, and quite right too. It just shows the way this country's gone to the dogs that they even need to have umpires at all, in fact. Whatever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions? Polly bloody Toynbee, that's what.
Cricketers who should have been in boybands
Players who would have had a screaming tween following if only they had been in pop groups
Alex Bowden
12-Jul-2013
Thomas Walsh, who together with Neil Hannon forms pop duo the Duckworth Lewis Method, recently evaluated the current England side thus: "Sometimes the England side looks like a boy band, really, it's a bit worrying." This observation raises the question as to which cricketers really should have been in boy bands.
Brian Close - Backstreet Boys
I'm sure this isn't the first article you've read that's started out by suggesting that Brian Close could have been in the Backstreet Boys and I'm equally sure that it won't be the last. But as tired and predictable as it might seem, it makes perfect sense. The Backstreet Boys' catalogue is basically a paean to the infamous 80 minutes Close endured at the hands of West Indies when recalled to play for England at Old Trafford at the age of 45. The band have an album called Black and Blue and another called Unbreakable. I'm sure you'll agree that both are clear Brian Close references. Even their "best of" compilation is called The Hits.
I'm sure this isn't the first article you've read that's started out by suggesting that Brian Close could have been in the Backstreet Boys and I'm equally sure that it won't be the last. But as tired and predictable as it might seem, it makes perfect sense. The Backstreet Boys' catalogue is basically a paean to the infamous 80 minutes Close endured at the hands of West Indies when recalled to play for England at Old Trafford at the age of 45. The band have an album called Black and Blue and another called Unbreakable. I'm sure you'll agree that both are clear Brian Close references. Even their "best of" compilation is called The Hits.
Rohan Gavaskar, Richard Illingworth and Mali Richards - 3T
If you don't remember 3T, the band comprised Taryll, Taj and TJ Jackson - sons of Tito, nephews of Michael. They couldn't match the talent of their older relations and their careers fell some way short of perhaps unfairly high expectations.
Full postIf you don't remember 3T, the band comprised Taryll, Taj and TJ Jackson - sons of Tito, nephews of Michael. They couldn't match the talent of their older relations and their careers fell some way short of perhaps unfairly high expectations.
Ex-players on the Ashes: a handy media guide
What to expect from Fred, Beef, Boycs and the rest, now that the Ashes are here
Alan Tyers
09-Jul-2013
The Ashes is the highlight of any player's career. And these days, it's a vital moneymaking opportunity for former cricketers as well. Look out for the following programmes and campaigns in the next few weeks.
The Boycott Factor (ITV, Saturday)
Ashes rebrand of the popular singing contest, in which Sir Geoffrey passes judgement on young pop singers for their vocal technique, image, and ability on uncovered wickets.
Ashes rebrand of the popular singing contest, in which Sir Geoffrey passes judgement on young pop singers for their vocal technique, image, and ability on uncovered wickets.
Family Fortunes Celebrity Edition (ITV, Saturday)
It's the Bothams (every answer: "Put another slip in") against the Knights (every answer: "Oooh, on the one hand our survey might have said this but on the other, ooo, you know") for cash prizes. Charles Colvile joins Vernon Kay as co-host.
Full postIt's the Bothams (every answer: "Put another slip in") against the Knights (every answer: "Oooh, on the one hand our survey might have said this but on the other, ooo, you know") for cash prizes. Charles Colvile joins Vernon Kay as co-host.
England v Essex warm-up: the future and past of cricket
Bosses decide to take game back to its playground roots
Alan Tyers
05-Jul-2013
England cricket bosses have hit back at suggestions that this week's practice match between England and Essex descended into farce as multiple substitutions led to the game being stripped of its first-class status.
Some spectators felt short-changed by a series of spur-of-the-moment changes to the playing conditions that saw players drafted into the Essex side mid-match.
But cricket chiefs believe they can get more people to engage with the sport by taking them back to childhood games in the playground, tapping into happy youthful reminiscences in a bid to shape their entertainment decisions today.
Full postHow to set the field in village cricket
The art of captaincy must take into account smokers, sleepers, and atrocious bowlers
Scott Oliver
03-Jul-2013
Wicketkeeper: There are a few rules of thumb for the village "wickie": (1) he always stands too close, seeing his position as a mark of courage rather than logically connected to the pace of the pitch and/or bowler; (2) he always wears cumbersome, oversized, '80s-era buckle-fastened batting pads that trip him up when scrambling for skiers; (3) he will have long since forsaken his "abandoned graveyard" teeth to the vagaries of the pitch and bucolic swipers in front of him; (4) he must jabber incoherently all day; and (5) whenever a young bowler - under 30, say - is brought into the attack, he must stand up to the wicket as a matter of principle, to show the whippersnapper he hasn't "lost it", regardless of whether he'll be knocked unconscious or concede 40-odd byes (runs unlikely to be recuperated with the willow).
Leg slip: Stationed here because the skipper is inevitably a septuagenarian stickler who vividly recalls - via Pathé News rather than an enfeebled memory - the era when leg slips used to take the odd catch. In this side, however, the leg slip's primary purpose is to act as another line of defence for wayward bowling.
Long stop: See 1 and 2, above. It should be borne in mind that this fielder is often a chuckling simpleton with next to no concentration span, hence the high bye count. On the plus side, he has the stamina and arm of Forrest Gump.
Full postA dummies guide to Australia's new regime
A few pointers to help players transition from one coach to the next
Alan Tyers
28-Jun-2013
It's been a confusing few days for Australian cricketers. First they discover that punching a Pommie in the pub is no longer considered a sign of a good team player, and now they have to learn the ways of a new coach. This handy guide will help any player struggling with the transition to a new culture in the team.
Under Mickey: In bed at night, immediately before sleep, each player to finish daily questionnaire about goal-orientated performance paradigms.
Under Boof: In bed at night, immediately before sleep, each player to finish tinny.
Under Boof: In bed at night, immediately before sleep, each player to finish tinny.
Under Mickey: Pup and Watto to attempt to reconcile differences within the context of a safe, non-judgemental space for dialogue.
Under Boof: Pup and Watto to sort it out round the back of the pavilion.
Full postUnder Boof: Pup and Watto to sort it out round the back of the pavilion.
'How good are turtles!'
Mystical musings and suchlike rubbish in this week's Twitter round-up. Also, the meaning of "Life!!!"
Alex Bowden
20-Jun-2013
The bathos
Is it appropriate to refer to bathos within a subheading of a throwaway column about the most throwaway form of social media? Probably not, but South Africa's Colin Ingram made it happen with the following tweet on the morning of the semi-final against England.
Is it appropriate to refer to bathos within a subheading of a throwaway column about the most throwaway form of social media? Probably not, but South Africa's Colin Ingram made it happen with the following tweet on the morning of the semi-final against England.
Out for a duck in the first over of the match. #proteafire #dreams
Full postMore England! More Australia! More Ashes!
The England-Australia matches that nobody has told you about
Alan Tyers
18-Jun-2013
The clash between Australia and England last week (the cricketing one at Edgbaston, not the David Warner-Joe Root walkabout) was the first of 26 matches between the two sides over the next seven months. We can now reveal that the ECB and Cricket Australia are concerned they are not maximising the commercial opportunities provided by this storied rivalry and are working together to fit more contests into the schedule. Some of the highlights of Operation Golden Goose are thought to include:
A quadrangular ODI tournament following the Champions Trophy but before the Ashes on July 10. To be played at Cardiff (weather permitting) every day from Monday, June 24 to Tuesday, July 9, between England, Australia, England-Australia and Australia-England, the last two sides being composite teams made up of the best second-tier players available to each nation, giving fans the chance to see more of Jade Dernbach and various minor Mitchells.
Tickets still available.
Tickets still available.
This is to be followed by Rest Afternoon before the Ashes on July 10. Charity match to be arranged (beneficiary: the ECB).
Gold Tier Donor opportunities still available.
Full postGold Tier Donor opportunities still available.
An era of bloodlust
What the future holds: cricketers munching anabolic steroids, the invention of the upswinger, and the confiscation of packed lunches
Scott Oliver
17-Jun-2013
Predicting the future is difficult. In cricket, the clairvoyants use many forms of futurology: divination by wagon wheel, by pitch map, by manhattan. And it's still nigh-on impossible. But not totally so. So, if you want to place a few heavy, cast-iron bets on the cricket, here's the second of our three-part series. You can read part one here and part two here.
With WADA close to admitting defeat in the face of ever more sophisticated pharmaceutical products and masking agents, an unsanctioned T20 tournament in Netherlands in 2022 trials the legalisation of performance-enhancing drugs. With participants munching down the anabolic steroids, there's a quantitative leap in the performance of fast bowlers, who regularly hit 190kph; Bangladeshi left-arm spinner Hasnain Manbub's arm ball clocks 140kph.
With several players quaffing testosterone shakes while batting, the amount of aggression rises exponentially and the tournament soon spawns a sinister, ultraviolent, Running Man-style spin-off called Hardball, played for high stakes and in front of a TV audience rabid with bloodlust. The batsmen are not permitted to use any type of protection when facing the 120mph exocets, although, as they're on colossal doses of morphine, that doesn¹t really matter.
Full postFive things you didn't know about the Champions Trophy
Why are the telecasts so long? Why are England dressed that way? All your urgent and key questions answered
Sidin Vadukut
14-Jun-2013
One of the great open secrets in cricket is the undeniable fact that the ICC Champions Trophy is the premier tournament in international limited-overs cricket. The ICC Cricket World Cup might have a much larger profile, better mascots, a much less tasteful trophy, and a greater sense of pomp and circumstance. But that tournament is certainly burdened by the mandatory involvement of teams from the lesser cricketing nations, such as Australia. Because of this the World Cup is often blotted by laughably one-sided matches that have little to no impact on the final outcome.
The Champions Trophy has no time for such pointless distractions. Here, unlike in the World Cup, the competition is limited to the finest cricketing nations in the world, and Australia.
But how much do you really know about the Champions Trophy? If you think you know everything about this great competition, think again! Here are five rib-tickling, mind-boggling, face-melting facts about the tournament that is not at all known among cricket fans.
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