The Surfer

The Oval can be the flattest pitch in the country. It’s long been the case. In 1938, Bill O’Reilly considered seeking out the curator with a rifle as England collected 7-903. On the other hand, if the teams go to London all square a local outbreak of fusarium can be expected.

Trinidad and Tobago are already talking of going their own way. Yes, it would be a great shame if they did. But only a common culture has held the Anglophone West Indian territories together, and this no longer appears to be strong enough. All other Test teams have been, and are, nation states.

It saddens me to think that just 10 years ago each domestic team had at least one bowler who was consistently clocking over 90mph. In those days it wasnt a big deal for a Pakistani bowler to clock 90mph nobody would get excited by it. But these days if we see a player clock 140k then 'poore Pakistan mai shor mach jaata hai' (the whole of Pakistan starts shouting his name).

It was dispiriting to witness a potentially dramatic day peter out like this. The well-watered gathering expected more and they stirred from their late-afternoon slumber to acknowledge the obvious: England are still not killers. They are opportunistic muggers, maybe. They need things going their way.

With cricket having a virtual monopoly over the Indian sportscape, the urge to protect the country's cricketers is paramount - even if it means ignoring global sporting realities.

And this is where the Indian cricket board could have played a more proactive role - it is the board's responsibility to explain to the players that they are part of a global sporting fraternity and need to act as such.

Cricket has many problems which are made worse by the political maze which is the International Cricket Council. Nothing matters more than a good backroom chat to stitch up a vote. Just ask all those who continue to support Zimbabwe. So when fundamental aspects of the game, like umpiring, come to the fore they get shunted off to a committee to deal with. And why would anyone listen to a committee when there are tournaments to be hosted and millions to be made.

It is like one of the Road Runner cartoons when Wile E. Coyote unpacks an elaborate bird-catching contraption only for it to backfire. This Acme device is a dud; “beep beep” say the England fans, blowing a raspberry.

In any case, Australia need to stop contemplating their navels. Touring reporters have become frustrated at the way the team has gone to ground. Repeated requests for interviews with bowling coaches and players have been turned down. It is a bad sign. Apart from anything else, the game needs all the publicity it can get. This circling of wagons indicates a fragile state of mind. That needs to change.

Lord Brocket, as he is known on the circuit, is a chivalrous man (apart perhaps from when he’s instructing overweight physios to waddle onto the field in the hope that someone would take the hint and fall down injured) but to have said: “Sorry Ricky, I’d like to help you out, but a few of our chaps haven’t got an MBE yet” would not have been within the spirit of even the modern game.