Karma for Culture Club as ill-disciplined England get the Ashes they deserve

The Crown Towers in Perth, a luxurious five-star hotel, has bougie two-bedroom villas (yours from AUD4099 a night) which feature a glass balcony that wraps around the corners, offering panoramic views from on high.

England had one of these as their team room during their stay in Western Australia. From there you could see out to the Optus Stadium, the venue for the first Test against Australia, towards the city and the world beyond. The gorgeous views were so uninterrupted you'd swear you could see the future.

What a future it would have been then, particularly for Ben Stokes. A third Ashes tour, a first as captain, and what he, head coach Brendon McCullum and everyone else involved with this England team regarded as a golden opportunity to seize the urn for the first time in over a decade.

Two months, five matches and a 4-1 defeat later, Stokes was left surveying a bleaker scene, alongside his now-beleaguered and humbled squad. All that optimism up in smoke, in the form of yellow and green ribbons, as Australia lifted the urn in front of the SCG Pavilion.

All Stokes' efforts of cricket and camaraderie had been in vain. You can lead rough-edged bowlers to Australia, but you can't make them bowl full or straight enough all of the time. And you certainly can't cover for that by trying to do it all yourself.

His final act on the field was to stand and direct traffic at slip. A right adductor injury prevented him from revisiting his most productive role on this tour, as a seamer with 15 dismissals at 25.13. He has been found wanting with the bat (18.4) and perhaps most gallingly as a tactician. His opposite number, Steven Smith, thanked him and his team for the memories. Memories England truly thought could have been theirs.

They were right to feel confident heading to Australia, but they had to be at their best to come out on top. That Australia weren't and still won 4-1, missing a number of key players at various junctures, including Josh Hazlewood for all of it and their actual captain Pat Cummins for all but one Test, underlines just how far the tourists fell short.

A "thorough" ECB investigation into the tour is already under way. While there might have been no appetite for change when it began, the bombshell revelations that dropped at 6pm local time might have shifted the dial considerably.

Harry Brook, as white-ball captain - and Stokes' deputy - was revealed to have been involved in an altercation with a bouncer on the white-ball tour of New Zealand. It speaks to how bad this Ashes has been that Brook's wasn't even the worst encounter with a bouncer this winter (sorry Jamie Smith).

That the story broke as the UK was waking up - and in many cases was the first thing that the fans saw before they'd digested the details of England's five-wicket defeat - would have multiplied the rage. Had the ECB been sitting on this for months hoping it would go away? All while sticking by their pre-series preparations - of which the New Zealand tour was cited as a key part - despite the public's early misgivings? The ECB may be satisfied that the issue has already been dealt with in-house, but that dwindling trust has now disappeared down the drain.

Rob Key's position as managing director, having overseen all this - the controversy, the defeat, the malaise - feels untenable. Likewise McCullum's, given that he has dismissed those who query his "do-what-you-want" approach and championed his team's leaning into extra-curricular activities. And as for Stokes, he may be safe in his job, but he's been too lenient with a group who have been pushing the line. If anyone knows when someone needs a stern word after a nightclub incident, it is surely him.

Crumbs of that incident could be seen throughout this Ashes tour. The naivety, for starters. The white-ball sides were out in New Zealand for three weeks with just three early start times - 2pm! - which offered plenty of other better evenings to sup.

Did they all need to go to Noosa in the gap between the second and third Test? Probably not. And while they were there, could they not have mixed up their watering holes, for variety's sake, if not simply for the optics? Of course not. Instead, a core group simply took up residence on an outside table at Rococo Bistro Bar for consecutive sessions. Just like driving on the up, they could not stop.

There has always been a bit of Boozeball about Bazball. The winning - that's the bit you get right first, before you can revel in the extra bits that make being a Test cricketer that much better than anything else. After winning in Adelaide to secure the urn, Australia's players headed into the city, led by Travis Head, South Australian local and one of the players of the series. Upon leading them into cocktail spot Malt & Juniper, he was greeted to a standing ovation. See? No problems getting in, or getting lauded for it.

It's not even about drinking, really. It's a simple fitness and recovery thing, and the compounding nature of alcohol on tours as long as this. Replace those beers in hands with slices of cake and the fundamental issue would remain the same, even if the image is admittedly funnier. England have not given themselves the best chance to be as good as you have to be to win a series in Australia.

It is wrong to say explicitly that there is a total lack of professionalism within this group, because their skills are high and their efforts in training have never dimmed. And they do care. But there is an immaturity, on and off the field, that feels one and the same.

The batters didn't learn not to drive on the up until it was too late. The bowlers, after a strong start in the first innings at Perth, went wayward and at no point came together to recalibrate. Instead, they were credited for continuing to run in, when it might have been a smarter idea to stop some of them from doing so, and ask them what they were trying to achieve.

The fielding was poor with 18 dropped catches across the series. Sure, there was no fielding coach. But the players could have taken the initiative to put some work in themselves. Ahead of the first Test at the Optus, Joe Root, Zak Crawley, Ollie Pope and Ben Duckett spent close to an hour walking around the outfield to work out views and where the hotspots might be on those vast square boundaries. It was the last time they displayed that kind of initiative.

Stokes clearly sensed a group losing a grip on the important bits, and perhaps even the rules of engagement when things go badly awry.

Following the terminal defeat in Adelaide, Stokes and the management urged the team not to head out of the hotel premises to drown their sorrows, because they were wary of the optics of lads on the town after losing the five-match series inside 11 days. Not everyone heeded that warning.

Two weeks beforehand, Stokes had questioned their mentality when stating Australia was "not a place for weak men". It is a phrase that had been used behind the scenes but was getting its first public airing after England went 2-0 down in Brisbane.

Seeds of unprofessionalism had been sown long before this trip, and before Brook's Wellington incident for that matter. The line-up change from the 2024 summer brought in a younger group of players, with seasoned pros in James Anderson and Jonny Bairstow ditched, and Stuart Broad already retired at the end of the 2023 Ashes. Chris Woakes' injury also robbed the group of another leading voice.

In their absence, this group has taken the hands-off approach for granted. And it is on Stokes and McCullum that things did not tighten up then, despite the warning signs.

Amid all Stokes' coded messages this series - "weak men", "showing a bit of dog", and a call for a "f**k you" attitude - the group has been lacking a dressing-down. At any point, would it not have been more effective for Stokes to sit down with his players and read them the riot act to improve their on-field performances?

"It's a very tough and interesting thing to get right," he said of the balance between protecting his players and telling them what for.

"I'm always thinking about things to say to individuals and the group. The hardest thing to get right is the message you are delivering right now.

"Will that do good, or not what you want it to? When you are in the middle of a series, you go 2-0 down, and have to win three games, you are always mindful and cautious of saying completely what's on your mind, because you don't want things to implode in the dressing-room."

Well, they imploded all the same, and Stokes is aware he is culpable. On the field shortly after Australia's urn lift, he more or less vowed to "put more pressure on everyone's shoulders" in an interview with BBC Test Match Special. "Playing sport is about winning".

After just four wins to five losses in 2025, and a deeply introspective defeat to start the New Year, change is coming.

Stokes is the only member of England's Test brains-trust who is guaranteed to still be in situ for the first assignment of the summer, against New Zealand in June. But, after a tour of such glorious opportunity and abject disappointment, only a select few of those under his care on this trip will be part of a new England.