A New Yawn For English Cricket

From Andrew Hughes, United Kingdom
Exciting news, cricket chums. Today saw the official re-launch of the English Premier League. Better still, I was lucky enough to win a ticket to the press conference by successfully guessing how many fairy cakes Giles Clarke can store in his cheeks at any one time. (The answer is twenty-seven). So here it is: the full details of what could be the most significant day in English cricket since the last most significant day.

As the ECB’s Head of Corporate Nonsense, it was the hamster-faced Clarke himself who opened proceedings with a short slide show about his recent holiday in Antigua and his friend Allen. There followed a brief interlude whilst the assembled gentlemen of the press adjourned to the bar, before the esteemed leader of the free cricket world resumed his presentation and explained how the highly successful Indian Premier League had influenced the English version.

“Obviously, we can’t just copy the Indians, so you’ll see a few differences,” said Clarke, gnawing on a piece of cheese. “For a start no-one will want to watch it, because it’ll be rubbish. So we’ve gone away from the idea of big stadia and we’re holding it in my back-garden. Well it was either that or Taunton. And we’ve sold the rights to Mongolian State TV, so those lazy old buggers in their armchairs won’t be able to see it either.”

Asked whether there would be IPL-style player auctions, Clarke chuckled. “Oh yes, sure,” he replied sarcastically. “What am I bid for this Gareth Batty? Do I see ten pounds. Ten pounds anyone? Don’t be daft, lad.”

The English Premier League will run from January to December, with forty-eight rounds of matches, a month of play-offs and a Grand Final to decide which is the least worst team. Amongst the galaxy of international superstars scheduled to take part are Jonas Van Kolpack, brother of someone who almost played for South Africa and former Australian 12th man Carl Rackemann or someone who looks very much like him. The eighteen counties have also been specially renamed for the tournament, the names being chosen by a consultancy firm, 'Old Rope Associates' and finely tuned to reflect the diverse reality of modern British life:

Lancashire Drizzle Durham Beer Bellies Yorkshire Moan Nottinghamshire Accents Derbyshire Fly Tippers Leicestershire Kolpacks Northamptonshire Traffic Cones Worcestershire Wellies Gloucestershire Flood Warnings Glamorgan Slag Heaps Surrey Shooters Middlesex Mortgages Sussex Nimbys Hampshire Chemicals Somerset Inebriates Kent Bigots Essex Nightclubs Warwickshire Idiots