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England cricket TV channel: a proposal

Now that cricket's going to be back on air in England, is there enough cricket to fill the airwaves with?

Alan Tyers
04-Dec-2014
Jade Dernbach's opening spell proved expensive, England v New Zealand, 1st ODI, Lord's, May 31, 2013

Jozi Ink stars Jade Dernbach as a needle-phobic youngster who is sold into slavery in a tattoo parlour  •  PA Photos

English domestic cricket could come back to free-to-air TV for the 2015 season. This is the chance for cricket to return to the forefront of the national consciousness. And this is what an English cricket TV schedule should look like.
06.00: Breakfast With Goochie
News, chat and intense aerobics with the England batting legend as you get ready for the day ahead with a gruelling conditioning session in your living room. Features light-hearted video segments with Graeme Swann.
07.00: The Morning Briefing
Join Peter Moores as he outlines the positives that England will be looking to take from the day ahead while focusing on hitting good areas and putting their hands up. Features light-hearted video segments with Graeme Swann.
08.00: Yo Selecta!
Youth-orientated chat show where Alastair Cook randomly selects a team-mate to be dropped from the England ODI side. Features light-hearted video segments with Graeme Swann.
09.00: India, Land of Dreams
Travel programme explaining why India is the most amazing country in the world and why all other countries should be more like India. Sponsored by the BCCI. Features light-hearted video segments with N Srinivasan.
12.00: The Cook Report
Investigative section where Captain Alastair uncovers possible malpractice at the top of the batting order and then kicks down the door of hard-working offspinners to demand answers.
13.00: Friends (repeat)
Kevin Pietersen explains, yet again, that he just don't understand why everybody was so beastly to him in every single place he has ever played.
14.00: People Outside Cricket
Bleak Scandinavian black-and-white drama about a faceless horde of dispossessed zombies who attempt to intrude on a gilded community and are kept at bay by a heroic team of communications professionals. Starring Mads Mikkelsen as Giles Clarke and Bjork as ECB PR supremo Colin Gibson.
18.00: Strictly Come Ramps
Family fun as Mark Ramprakash loses his temper and beats Ian Bell savagely for failing to concentrate during a Paso Doble.
20.00: WestEnders
There's trouble in soapland as Little Joe is attacked by an Australian on a night out, while self-styled local tough guy the Big Cheese has fallen foul of the Ryvita Boys. Meanwhile, Giles has done a deal on the market stall with a mysterious American and Cousin Jimmy has been sectioned for swearing at himself in the street. Not suitable for children or adults.
21.00: Gilo
Hard-hitting, controversial crime drama with the former England utility man investigating a string of useful performances and coming to the party very much so to fight injustice and/or generally be a good guy to have around the place. With Gillian Anderson as Paul Collingwood and Phil Mustard as Umpire Richard Kettleborough.
22.30: Question Time
Featuring a debate on immigration and whether the UK needs to increase the number of foreigners it lets in so they can take the jobs that English people are unable or unwilling to fill, like being in the England cricket team.
23.55: Some cricket highlights or something
With Robbie Savage and Mel, or it might be Sue, out of Mel and Sue. DRS analysis comes from Jonathan Pearce.
Midnight Closedown
Followed by paid programming from the BCCI.

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