How to make West Indies v England interesting
A game scientifically designed to maximise fun during a series nobody cares about
Alan Tyers
24-Feb-2014
Can you hear us, Darren Strictly Come Dancing Gough? Your boys took one hell of a beating • Getty Images
The tour never ends for the hardest-working band in show business as the England cricket now team travel to the Caribbean for an eagerly anticipated (by nobody) six (6) limited-overs matches. Liven them up with this eye-spy game, which has been developed by experts in the ECB lab at Loughborough and is scientifically designed to maximise fun in the context of a stable team-building environment.
England openers building a platform for first 20 overs - one point
England opener gets out after well-crafted 22 off 87 balls - two points
England batsman hits a six - six points per innings (maximum six points)
Chris Gayle does a sex dance - five points
Chris Gayle does a tweet specifically for "the ladies" - ten points
Footage of people playing cricket on the beach - two points
They are West Indian and under 60 years old - ten points
Turns out that the beach is actually one of the region's premier cricketer stadia - lose five points
TV footage shows girls in bikinis - five points
TV footage shows fat English blokes with shirts off - no points
England batsman scores brilliant century - ten points
ECB refuses to reveal why - five points
England batsman dropped from team for "inward-facing team unity osmosis issues" - one point
England are looking at some positives - five points
Nick Knight offers strong opinion - ten points
Sir Ian Botham listens to opinion - fifty points
Michael Holding sounding wistful about the good old days of West Indies cricket - no points, feel a bit sad
Shiv digs in for a rescue job - one point
Article in broadsheet newspaper blaming demise of West Indies cricket on the NBA - five points
Overconfident West Indies player has a makeshift sign addressing greats of yore - one point
It says "How do you like them apples, Sir Learie Constantine?" - ten points
Jade Dernbach comes on for a bowl - one point
Admiring commentator mention of his battery of clever slower balls - five points
Jade whacked all over the park - score one point per run per over, maximum 126783 points
You break your TV by throwing things at it - send Jade the invoice
Gilo says England learning a lot of lessons - one point
Gilo says England are on an incredible journey - five points
Gilo, apparently thinking he is on The X Factor, bursts into a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" - 50 points
You're already counting down the days until England's next ODI engagement - 1,000,000 points, see doctor
All quotes and "facts" here are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)
More undercover documents in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries at www.tyersandbeach.com