'Bought Mum an iron in the hope that she starts to enjoy doing my ironing'

The Test series victory
Last week Steven Finn revealed that England celebrated their Kolkata Test win with a Nineties boyband sing along. So how would they celebrate a series victory? Graeme Swann enlightens us.

"A series win of this magnitude can mean only one thing...power ballads #finalcountdown #livinonaprayer #hereigoagainonmyown"
@Swannyg66

There seems to be some inverse correlation between the scale of the achievement and the quality of the music.

The dance
Paul Collingwood suspected there may also have been a bit of dancing involved.

"Pat the dog and screw the lightbulb, that's how @Montyp713 taught us the Bhangra dance......with a bit of hip movement! #IndvEng #moves"
@Colly622

The performance enhancer
Phil Tufnell reveals one of the tricks of the trade.

"People asking what happened after I sprayed Deep Heat in Beefy's jockstrap? Well he bowled very quick that morning!"
@philtufnell

Seared Beef.

The plan
Scott Styris knows the importance of setting a batsman up when bowling. There should be no looseners. Every delivery is part of a narrative that should culminate with a wicket. So what do you open with?

"There is a lot to be said for bowling a beamer first ball! #setsupyourover"
@scottbstyris

The consistency
Paul Collingwood quickly sized up the pitch in Nagpur.

12th December:

"My prediction is this game could be over late on day 3, the pitch is like a dried up river bed #IndvdEng #3-1"
@Colly622

16th December:

"I think this Test match will go 5 days #IndvEng"

Keep honing your predictions according to unfolding evidence and you'll always be right eventually.

The victim of spam
It can happen to anyone. Even Stuart MacGill.

"if you got dm from me RE "nasty rumours" & clicked on the link; assume your follows/followers will get it from you. sweep the decks now."
@scmacgill

"obviously i apologize to everybody for the inconvenience. naturally i'm as disappointed as you that the stories aren't true."

The recovery drink
Hashim Amla pays close attention to his nutrition.

"Chocolate milk! best discovery ever for training #greattasting #greatrecovery"
@amlahash

It's actually the perfect ratio of protein to carbohydrate and is frequently used by professional cyclists after a long, difficult mountain stage. You do have to earn it though. Half-an-hour of slip catching doesn't really justify it.

The third person
It was Yuvraj Singh's birthday last week.

"And many thnks to all my dear fans for the love and wishes ! I'm sure yuvraj will rise again"
@YUVSTRONG12

Surely you mean 'Yuvraj is sure Yuvraj will rise again'?

The Christmas shopping
Pat Cummins was short of ideas.

"Wandered aimlessly around the shopping centre before opting for the old reliable. #giftcards"
@93Cummins

But there was one exception.

"I also bought Mum an Iron in the hope that she starts to enjoy doing my ironing. #shecantcomplain #perfectpresent"

What was she using previously? A rolling pin?

What's your philosophy?
Shaun Pollock, as ever.

"There is no such thing as perfection but striving for perfection means that you usually create excellence!"
@7polly7

But if there's no such thing as perfection, how do we know what to strive for?

Nando's Watch
What's for lunch, Alviro?

"Its Nandos for lunch! #starving!"
@AlviroPetersen

You do surprise me.

Smashwatch
Warney's looking after his new trim figure.

"Just smashed a family block of chocolate - "Top Deck", as had none of my favourite chocolate in the world - "Haighs" !!!!! #chocolate"
@warne888