Sam Curran is the eighth wonder of the world
Statuesque stats from Southampton for y'all pleasure
Sam Curran: the human magic 8-ball • Getty Images
(b) against a side who had lost their previous seven away series outside the spin-friendly comforts of Asia and the Caribbean.
(c) against a team who will be haunted for some or all of eternity by their harrowing failure to close out at least one of two manageable chases in a series they could easily have won.
(b) went slightly off the boil at key moments, at least twice more than would have been ideal.
(c) will probably regret not spending a little bit more time practising their batting - the collective series average of their Nos. 9 to 11 (4.00) is the currently fourth worst ever by any touring side in a series in England, while their Nos. 6 to 11 have managed to average a flaccidly unimpressive 11.05. With one Test remaining, this is the worst of the 58 touring teams who have played a series of four or more Tests in England since the Second World War, and the second worst by India in any series, beaten only by the 10.05 they managed in their 2002-03 defeat in a two-Test contest in New Zealand.
(b) that they have got away with it, frankly, despite their top four functioning as effectively as a watermelon in a Most Cuboid Object competition - their current collective series average of 18.92 is the third-lowest such figure in the 223 series of three or more Tests that England have played, although they will be expected to bat their way off that incompetently built podium at The Oval.
(c) that no one has suggested having a toss for the choice of ball, as well as whether to bat or bowl first, in Test cricket (or that Duke might like to work on developing a ball that does a little bit less, and Kookaburra on a ball that does a considerable amount more).
(b) must be up all night worrying about whether he can ever recover his world-beating form with the bat while enduring the pressures of captaincy.
(c) has already sent a letter to Father Christmas asking for some new opening batsmen.
(d) is slightly perplexed that there have not been more wild nationwide celebrations about the fact that his team have just become the first since England in 1981 to successfully defend a target of 250 or fewer twice in a series, and only the second to do so since the 1950s.
(b) has been seen scouring eBay for a time machine, to go back to June and make Jasprit Bumrah wear a magic protective thumb gauntlet in the T20 against Ireland.
(c) would probably have been delighted had a wizened old soothsayer predicted that India's top four wickets would average 43% more per partnership than England's (33.37 to 23.25).
(d) must be wondering what further depths of incompetence India's lower order are contemplating - India's 5th to 10th wicket partnerships have averaged 16.51, to England's 30.94.
(b) that Alastair Cook, by calling time on a monumental career after a prolonged slump, which has seen him reach 50 only five times in his last 42 Test innings, dating back to November 2016, has spared them at least one very awkward decision for the forthcoming winter tours.
(c) that Keaton Jennings chiselled out some highly valuable runs in the second innings, but had the decency to get out for 36, thus keeping alive the dream that this could be the first ever five-Test series in which no opening batsman has reached 50. (The lowest previously, in 168 series of five or more Tests, is three.)
Kohli, currently on 544 runs for the series, more than twice as many as the second-most prolific batsman, Jos Buttler (260). If Kohli reaches the 600-mark, he will move into a clear second place behind Don Bradman in the Most 600-Run Series List. The Unstoppable Australian Run RobotTM topped 600 six times. Kohli is currently tied for second place with an illustrious trio of left-handers - Neil Harvey, Garry Sobers, and Brian Lara - and only 11 other players have reached that milestone twice in their careers (although Cook could join them if he makes a fairy-tale 491 not out in his valedictory Test innings).
Curran has made 251 runs so far, already the ninth-highest series aggregate for runs scored when batting at No. 8 or lower. Harbhajan Singh's record (315, for India in the three-Test home series against New Zealand in November 2010) is within sight, as is Moeen's Most-Runs-Batting-In-The-Bottom-Four-In-A-Series-For-England figure of 293, made in the 2015 Ashes. Curran has already tied Shaun Pollock's series record of four scores of 40 or more batting at No. 8 or lower (against West Indies in 2000-01).
Another 31 runs would take Curran past Jack Crawford's record for most runs in a series by an England player under the age of 21 (he made 281 in South Africa in 1905-06). A pair of double-centuries would bring him close to George Headley's world record for runs in a Test series by an Under-21 batsman (703, against England in 1929-30).
If the Surrey allrounder takes two wickets on his home ground, he will become the second player in Test history to score 250 runs and take ten wickets in a series before his 21st birthday - Kapil Dev (329 runs, 17 wickets, against West Indies in 1978-79) was the first. Seven of Curran's eight wickets so far have been top-seven batsmen, the other was Ashwin, batting at No. 8.
Both sides have changed their wicketkeeper, making this the first series in England to feature four different designated wicketkeepers since Pakistan's tour in 1996 (Jack Russell and Alec Stewart for England; Rashid Latif and Moin Khan for Pakistan).
Andy Zaltzman is a stand-up comedian, a regular on BBC Radio 4, and a writer