A sneak preview of the ICC annual conference

Mr Richardson: Right, gentlemen. Sorry you've all had to come so far, but a lot of people say we're just free-loading canapé-munchers, so we thought holding our annual meeting in Barbados would convey the right sort of impression of altruistic austerity. I like the shirt-and-tie combos you're all sporting, by the way. Very evenly matched. Okay, so let's crack on. As you'll be aware, there's been some sort of suggestion our decision to cut the 2019 World Cup to ten teams might look a little bit insular. So what we need to do today is come up with ways of making us seem outward-facing and inclusive. Any ideas?

Mr Clarke: Yep, sure thing, Dave. We at the ECB decided we might actually be happy to have Associates at future tournaments but on the condition they replace all the sides that made England look a bit silly in the last one.

Mr Richardson: Right thanks, Giles, but why are you here?! You're not ECB chairman any more. I thought Mr Graves would be coming.

Mr Clarke: Er, he's busy doing his media training. He keeps airing these funny views about picking players on merit rather than subjective whims.

Mr Richardson: What a weirdo. Okay, so go on.

Mr Clarke: Well, I think we can't really have a fair discussion of my proposal with the representatives of the sides we'd like to see replaced present. They're bound to be biased. I think they should leave.

Mr Richardson: Hmm. I see your point. All representatives of sides that made England look like a herd of drunk giraffes trying to win a limbo contest at this year's World Cup, please go.

Mr Richardson: Ah, sorry Wally. Not you, of course. Sit down and have another oyster. So Giles, you were saying?

Clarke: Yes, so basically...

Mr Richardson: Yes, Haroon. What is it? Are you choking?

Mr Lorgat: No, no. Us South Africans don't do that any more. I was just trying to get your attention.

Mr Richardson: Oh, I see. And what's the problem?

Mr Lorgat: Mr Srinivasan stole my smoked salmon bagel.

Mr Richardson: Did he now? Srini is this true?

Mr Srinivasan: Yes.

Mr Richardson: And how do you propose we solve this situation?

Mr Srinivasan: I think Haroon should leave the table and stand in the corner for a bit.

Mr Richardson: Er, okay. Yes, I'm sure you're right. Off you go, Haroon.

Mr Richardson: Actually. Why are you here as the BCCI representative instead of Mr Dalmiya, Srini?

Mr Srinivasan: Someone cemented over his hotel room door so he's stuck in there. No idea who.

Mr Richardson: Right, fine. Anyway, I'm not sure we're getting anywhere here. Shaharyar, what have you got for us?

Mr Khan: Well, at the PCB we did try to help an Associate by providing training facilities and all manner of other support to Afghanistan players. Maybe other Full Members could also possibly think about sponsoring up-and-coming teams in this manner?

Mr Richardson: Oh dear, Shaharyar. You've let yourself down a bit there. One of the reasons these countries played a full and thoroughly entertaining part in this year's World Cup is because we foolishly did give them a bit of financial support.

Mr Srinivasan: Imagine if we give them even more?! They might improve further and make our decision to have a ten-team tournament look ever more ridiculous. No, that won't do.

Mr Richardson: Off you go, Shaharyar. We don't need your sort of crazy talk around here.

Mr Cameron: Sorry, I've actually got to go too. I only paid my parking ticket for 20 minutes.

Mr Srinivasan: (rolls his eyes) The WICB leaving halfway through something. Where have we heard that before, eh guys?!!

Mr Richardson: Right, so, um, there seem to only be five of us left. Charlie, as Zimbabwe Cricket's head, what's your take on how we can look more inclusive?

Mr Manase: Well, I, er, suppose we could...

Mr Clarke, Mr Srinivasan and Mr Edwards start playing Candy Crush Saga on their phones. Mr Manase walks off in a huff. The four remaining men sit there nibbling caviar vols-au-vent.

Mr Richardson: Okay, so let's call it a day. I think this meeting has certainly put paid to any ideas this organisation is just some sort of self-serving private cabal.

Mr Edwards: Absolutely.

Mr Clarke: Absolutely.

Mr Srinivasan: Absolutely.