That's disgraceful
No ignominy is too demeaning for England. To prove it, we've picked 17 of the finest shameful moments from their history. (Featuring rather a lot of players named Ian. Hmm.)
Alex Bowden
27-Jun-2010
England's newfound competence in the shorter formats is a tragic waste of a valuable skill that has been developed by scores of England fans: unshakeable resilience when confronted with yet more shame. England have endured plenty of embarrassment over the years and we supporters are numb to all but the most extreme cases.
The 2007 Twenty20 specialists
England brought Twenty20 to the world and then they brought them James Kirtley, Darren Maddy, Chris Schofield and Jeremy Snape.
England brought Twenty20 to the world and then they brought them James Kirtley, Darren Maddy, Chris Schofield and Jeremy Snape.
Ian Botham's hair
Any era. Head or facial. Rarely has one man brought so much hirsute shame on the nation. At least he could play a bit.
Any era. Head or facial. Rarely has one man brought so much hirsute shame on the nation. At least he could play a bit.
Ian Botham's armpits
Brown? What was he eating? Why was sweat such a rich mahogany colour in the 80s?
Brown? What was he eating? Why was sweat such a rich mahogany colour in the 80s?
Ashley Giles and Richard Dawson wheeling away in tandem in India
It's probably unfair to pick on these two. For many years England picked their least-bad spin bowler and then, when they went to India, they were forced to pick their second least-bad spin bowler as well.
It's probably unfair to pick on these two. For many years England picked their least-bad spin bowler and then, when they went to India, they were forced to pick their second least-bad spin bowler as well.
Ian Salisbury against Pakistan
Two matches in 1992 brought five wickets at 61.20. Three matches in 2000 brought 1 for 193. England actually won the 2000 series, with Ashley Giles taking seven wickets in the deciding Test.
Two matches in 1992 brought five wickets at 61.20. Three matches in 2000 brought 1 for 193. England actually won the 2000 series, with Ashley Giles taking seven wickets in the deciding Test.
Stuart Broad's looks
Fast bowlers should be hairy and grizzled. They shouldn't look like someone's stretched one of the male leads from 90210.
Fast bowlers should be hairy and grizzled. They shouldn't look like someone's stretched one of the male leads from 90210.
Peter Such
Somehow he looked like both a granddad and an eight-year-old. He turned the ball less than either.
Somehow he looked like both a granddad and an eight-year-old. He turned the ball less than either.
"The Tail"
Caddick, Mullally, Tufnell and Giddins. Tufnell at 10. Mullally at nine. Six down = all out.
Caddick, Mullally, Tufnell and Giddins. Tufnell at 10. Mullally at nine. Six down = all out.
Alex Loudon's doosra
Saying that you have a doosra does not an international cricket career make.
Saying that you have a doosra does not an international cricket career make.
The selection of Darren Pattinson
Not Pattinson himself, but the fact that clearly we'll take anyone.
Not Pattinson himself, but the fact that clearly we'll take anyone.
Ian Bell's swagger
As convincing as Anthony LaPaglia's Mancunian accent in Frasier: "Cor blimey gav'nor."
As convincing as Anthony LaPaglia's Mancunian accent in Frasier: "Cor blimey gav'nor."
Alastair Cook's captaincy interviews
Oh dear God, we really are a nation of polite individuals who are happy to automatically bestow power on the nearest posh person.
Oh dear God, we really are a nation of polite individuals who are happy to automatically bestow power on the nearest posh person.
Jon Lewis' hair
Lewis never played in the same England side as Ryan Sidebottom, so the world was denied a bowling attack that appeared to feature two of the three musketeers.
Lewis never played in the same England side as Ryan Sidebottom, so the world was denied a bowling attack that appeared to feature two of the three musketeers.
Ajit Agarkar's Test hundred
A hundred and thirteen ODI innings and three fifties to show for them; 39 Test innings and no fifties. But one hundred. At Lord's.
A hundred and thirteen ODI innings and three fifties to show for them; 39 Test innings and no fifties. But one hundred. At Lord's.
Anil Kumble's Test hundred
A hundred and thirty-six ODI innings and no fifties; 173 Test innings and five fifties. And one hundred. At the Oval.
A hundred and thirty-six ODI innings and no fifties; 173 Test innings and five fifties. And one hundred. At the Oval.
Simon Jones' vest
We believe in sleeves in this country. Don't come back out onto the balcony until you've found some.
We believe in sleeves in this country. Don't come back out onto the balcony until you've found some.
Nasser saying: "We'll have a bowl"
Did the wheels ever go on? If they did, they didn't manage a full rotation before careering off and killing thousands of innocent bystanders. England lost the first Test of the 2002-03 Ashes by 384 runs and the next two by an innings.
Did the wheels ever go on? If they did, they didn't manage a full rotation before careering off and killing thousands of innocent bystanders. England lost the first Test of the 2002-03 Ashes by 384 runs and the next two by an innings.
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket