England August 11, 2010

Sulky Stu’s sweetie-related tantrum

Inside stories from Edgbaston and elsewhere in the wide world of cricket
36

Saturday, August 7th I understand that Pakistan’s representatives at the ICC are seeking to amend the outdated rules on catching. Specifically, they will ask for the whole of Law 32 to be struck from the Laws of Cricket on health and safety grounds. A spokesperson for the PCB claimed that players risked a nasty bruise if they attempted to catch the ball, and abuse from television pundits if they dropped it, and that this constituted a violation of their right not to be laughed at in the workplace.

Sunday, August 8th Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better for English cricket, it has been revealed that John Buchanan is to help the England players with their Ashes preparations. And big JB is already throwing up some fascinating ideas. For instance, the England management are said to be very keen on his five-captains-per-series proposal and are seriously considering the theories outlined in his bestselling pamphlet, “Setting Your Field the Feng Shui Way”. This innovative approach does away with the traditional method of placing fielders in areas where you expect the ball to go and instead focuses on arranging them at auspicious points on the field, to maximise the flow of cricket energy. Andrew Strauss has already implemented some of these suggestions, refusing to have more than two slips for long periods of the second Test on the grounds that negative energy usually escapes in the direction of third slip. As, from time to time, does the ball.

Monday, August 9th The fallout from Edgbaston continues. It has emerged that during the tea interval yesterday, England’s prettiest fast bowler approached the ECB’s head nutritionist to ask whether it might be okay if he had some sweeties. Upon being refused on the grounds that f had some sweeties, he wouldn’t want his tea, Sulky Stuart stuck out his bottom lip, stamped his foot and stormed out of the dressing room, insisting that it wasn’t fair, and furthermore that he hated everyone. Broad was later fined half his pocket money and grounded for the rest of the week; punishment that his captain Andrew Strauss feels was over the top. “As everyone knows, it’s the summer holidays and forcing a young lad like Stuey to stay indoors when all his mates are hanging around outside the chip shop is harsh. Adolescent petulance has always been part of his game and if we made him behave like a grown-up, he wouldn’t be able to bowl as fast.”

Tuesday, August 10th The latest from the Pakistan camp is that coach Waqar is contemplating some radical changes ahead of the third Test. The word is that the top six in the batting order will be dropped and replaced by Mohammad Yousuf. It is believed that top-secret analysis of Pakistan’s performances so far has demonstrated that dropping all these specialist batsmen is likely to have very little effect on the outcome of future games in terms of runs scored or catches taken, whilst it will offer significant savings in hotel and laundry bills and free up much needed bickering space in the dressing room.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • cricket pundit on August 12, 2010, 11:27 GMT

    the point on a serious note along with your satire should ring a roar in the ears of pakistan cricket stake-holders. i doubt that they ever hear or read such things. butts/baris/saeeds and others in pakistan's cricket know this much about cricket that if you say the last point with a straight face to them, they will surely say, "oh, you are right, let me discuss this with the other people, changing 6 with one is really a great idea, great saving"!! you see, this is bound to come. try this, andrew, but with a straight face and serious eyes. good luck!

  • Gav on August 12, 2010, 9:43 GMT

    ah.. Broady being such a petulent character and the quick rush of countrymen to protect him will only make England more satisfying to beat. Not that I think Pakistan will.

  • Taimur Khan on August 12, 2010, 9:37 GMT

    Why is everyone lampooning Baby Broad? Looking like Dorian Gray in nankeens, he probably needs to prove his toddlerhood. Had it been Richards at the other end, he'd 've gotten spanked for sure. He still comes across more like an English Rose than Freddie Trueman, no matter how many balls he hurls. The hapless Pakistanis...in the four tests they've played this summer, the tail has comfortably outscored the top six (cannot remember anyone in the top 6 crossing the 50 mark except when Farhat rode his luck to 69). Butt, Farhat and Malik have no clue of their off stump, the Akmal brothers are clearly designed to dance down the dust bowls of the sub continent while the debutants manage to drag their way through the teens before holing out. The batting cannot flatter a poor county side and their feilding displays can be a winning entry at any bloopers contest. The new keeper is better than the man with the iron gloves but so is Geoffrey's mum. Bowlers are world class but its not enough!

  • Yassar on August 12, 2010, 9:06 GMT

    Some hilarious comments there. On a serious note it is sad to see that Pakistan so far have not been able to give England a proper challenge as a result of incompetence by their cricketing administration. They are on the right path if they want to kill cricket in Pakistan.

    The Pakistani bowling has been magnificent. Real talent. Hopefully with Yousuf now back in there may be a bit more of a fight with the bat. Would be good to get Younis back in as well.

  • Raja (CF) on August 12, 2010, 7:19 GMT

    Wonderful piece of writing, Andrew. As usual. You've also come up with a brilliant name for the petualant, spoilt brat. From now on, he will be known as Sulky Stu. :-)

    Loved the Feng Shui reference too. :-)

    Keep writing. I love reading your articles.

  • Satwikrossbones on August 12, 2010, 5:19 GMT

    First time reader of your column! Great Piece. Love the bit about village cricket in your about me section. In reply to comments, we've got two guys supporting broad!! seriously guys, i mean, i know you are entitled to your opinion but please dont let personal favourtism make you defend broad's actions. thats what the officials did.

  • bharat on August 12, 2010, 5:15 GMT

    @Bill_Oddie: How successful is a bowler who gets tonked everywhere except in England? And moreover he is not a swing bowler. He is a "hit-the-deck" bowler who is supposed to be Englands go-to-guy everywhere else in the world. Comparing Mark Ramprakash with Stuey is not done. One is a batsman and the other a brat. Compare Caddick with Broad and probably you have some basis.

  • raghavendra on August 12, 2010, 4:07 GMT

    "refusing to have more than two slips for long periods of the second Test on the grounds that negative energy usually escapes in the direction of third slip. As, from time to time, does the ball"

    now we know why some captains set non obvious fields.

  • Len Rogers on August 12, 2010, 1:54 GMT

    Aaah! Stuart Broad. Unfortunately, his tantrums show more talent than does his cricket. Isn't it interesting, the better the player, the better the behaviour (mostly). Stuart has the choir boy looks and the maturity to match it. Sorry, Stu, but petulance when the going gets a bit tough shows the opposition your weaknesses. Imagine the chatter he will get on the grounds in Australia. 'Can I have a sweetie, Stu?' 'Hey, you nearly tripped over your bottom lip again, Stu.' 'Hey, Stu, your mummy said to make sure you ask your daddy for a hankie when you cry.' Ozbuck

  • Rick on August 12, 2010, 0:53 GMT

    To Tom, the passion that Broad showed was more apt for the WWE. What would have happened if the batsman had replied with throwing his bat back at Broad or the non-striker taking a swipe with his bat. This kind of passion is not good for the game.

  • cricket pundit on August 12, 2010, 11:27 GMT

    the point on a serious note along with your satire should ring a roar in the ears of pakistan cricket stake-holders. i doubt that they ever hear or read such things. butts/baris/saeeds and others in pakistan's cricket know this much about cricket that if you say the last point with a straight face to them, they will surely say, "oh, you are right, let me discuss this with the other people, changing 6 with one is really a great idea, great saving"!! you see, this is bound to come. try this, andrew, but with a straight face and serious eyes. good luck!

  • Gav on August 12, 2010, 9:43 GMT

    ah.. Broady being such a petulent character and the quick rush of countrymen to protect him will only make England more satisfying to beat. Not that I think Pakistan will.

  • Taimur Khan on August 12, 2010, 9:37 GMT

    Why is everyone lampooning Baby Broad? Looking like Dorian Gray in nankeens, he probably needs to prove his toddlerhood. Had it been Richards at the other end, he'd 've gotten spanked for sure. He still comes across more like an English Rose than Freddie Trueman, no matter how many balls he hurls. The hapless Pakistanis...in the four tests they've played this summer, the tail has comfortably outscored the top six (cannot remember anyone in the top 6 crossing the 50 mark except when Farhat rode his luck to 69). Butt, Farhat and Malik have no clue of their off stump, the Akmal brothers are clearly designed to dance down the dust bowls of the sub continent while the debutants manage to drag their way through the teens before holing out. The batting cannot flatter a poor county side and their feilding displays can be a winning entry at any bloopers contest. The new keeper is better than the man with the iron gloves but so is Geoffrey's mum. Bowlers are world class but its not enough!

  • Yassar on August 12, 2010, 9:06 GMT

    Some hilarious comments there. On a serious note it is sad to see that Pakistan so far have not been able to give England a proper challenge as a result of incompetence by their cricketing administration. They are on the right path if they want to kill cricket in Pakistan.

    The Pakistani bowling has been magnificent. Real talent. Hopefully with Yousuf now back in there may be a bit more of a fight with the bat. Would be good to get Younis back in as well.

  • Raja (CF) on August 12, 2010, 7:19 GMT

    Wonderful piece of writing, Andrew. As usual. You've also come up with a brilliant name for the petualant, spoilt brat. From now on, he will be known as Sulky Stu. :-)

    Loved the Feng Shui reference too. :-)

    Keep writing. I love reading your articles.

  • Satwikrossbones on August 12, 2010, 5:19 GMT

    First time reader of your column! Great Piece. Love the bit about village cricket in your about me section. In reply to comments, we've got two guys supporting broad!! seriously guys, i mean, i know you are entitled to your opinion but please dont let personal favourtism make you defend broad's actions. thats what the officials did.

  • bharat on August 12, 2010, 5:15 GMT

    @Bill_Oddie: How successful is a bowler who gets tonked everywhere except in England? And moreover he is not a swing bowler. He is a "hit-the-deck" bowler who is supposed to be Englands go-to-guy everywhere else in the world. Comparing Mark Ramprakash with Stuey is not done. One is a batsman and the other a brat. Compare Caddick with Broad and probably you have some basis.

  • raghavendra on August 12, 2010, 4:07 GMT

    "refusing to have more than two slips for long periods of the second Test on the grounds that negative energy usually escapes in the direction of third slip. As, from time to time, does the ball"

    now we know why some captains set non obvious fields.

  • Len Rogers on August 12, 2010, 1:54 GMT

    Aaah! Stuart Broad. Unfortunately, his tantrums show more talent than does his cricket. Isn't it interesting, the better the player, the better the behaviour (mostly). Stuart has the choir boy looks and the maturity to match it. Sorry, Stu, but petulance when the going gets a bit tough shows the opposition your weaknesses. Imagine the chatter he will get on the grounds in Australia. 'Can I have a sweetie, Stu?' 'Hey, you nearly tripped over your bottom lip again, Stu.' 'Hey, Stu, your mummy said to make sure you ask your daddy for a hankie when you cry.' Ozbuck

  • Rick on August 12, 2010, 0:53 GMT

    To Tom, the passion that Broad showed was more apt for the WWE. What would have happened if the batsman had replied with throwing his bat back at Broad or the non-striker taking a swipe with his bat. This kind of passion is not good for the game.

  • Sohail Munir on August 11, 2010, 23:34 GMT

    I just got of the phone with Ejaz Butt, he was telling me that he hs solvd the Pakistan batting problems. After a detailed analysis of scoring patterns of Pakistan batting lineups, he has been advised to play eleven tailenders in the team. So for the third test match there wold be eleven tail enders, this way Pakistan will score more than 100runs every inningsfor sure and would have a very strong bowling lineuo to win matches. This man is a genius and I love him

  • Santhosh Hiriyanna on August 11, 2010, 20:40 GMT

    Oh man!! just can't stop laughing....was keen to read more.

  • Hasib Baig on August 11, 2010, 19:43 GMT

    @Tom.. It was not passion mate.. it was frustration.. induced by bunch of tailenders (now i'll talk about passion) fighting it out with PASSION and HEART.. exposing weakness in Broad's bowling in the conditions, which he'll probably face in Oz.. anybody who calls Broad's act right needs to revisit his thoughts process.. let's c Broad show the same "PASSION" in Oz.. @Andres "Setting up your field the Shui Fend Way" HILLARIOUS MAN.. can't stop laughin.. :)

  • jaggie on August 11, 2010, 17:10 GMT

    Blue eyed and blonde what one should expect ..... wonder papa would ever like to ask a question and say hello my boy it's time you settle down and be a man

  • Chinmay on August 11, 2010, 17:05 GMT

    heheh....good one. Dropping top six batsman is probably a great idea.

    i was telling my friend about Pakistan getting all out scoring 72 and he said 'why bother getting up in the morning if all of them wants to score only 72' Very true indeed!

    On the other hand it's high time Broad should be banned for at least a test match.

  • Indunil on August 11, 2010, 16:02 GMT

    Well, Stuart needed this and it's been long time. I am happy as a Sri Lankan ''coz Madugalla was able to do that. Sometimes they have to controll some behavior of some players. Otherwise they might think they are above the game. Learn something ''Broady''

  • VP on August 11, 2010, 15:59 GMT

    I think the people here are making big fuss about Broads behaviour, leave this kid alone he will perform. We had many incidents severe than this and yet not action was taken, and specially if it is an OZ involved in it :)

  • krishan canagasabey on August 11, 2010, 15:54 GMT

    Great stuff, really broad, sorry brought a smile to my face!!!

  • jogesh99 on August 11, 2010, 15:33 GMT

    papa's boy broad should be made captain of pakistan - he would fit right in.

  • Tom on August 11, 2010, 15:01 GMT

    Some of the people on this forum need to relax, Broad showed abit of passion, what you guys probably lack and what previous england teams lack, spirit passion and heart are good for the team, even if he does go over the top sometimes!

  • arslan on August 11, 2010, 15:00 GMT

    the last one is awesome!!

  • Bill_Oddie on August 11, 2010, 14:49 GMT

    The Broad-hate continuing on Page 2 - how predictable and sad. Leave off. He's a young man with no more than a 'professional' attitude, no matter how vulgar it seems. Still, give me a Broad actually caring about his performance and showing frustration than the string of insipid doofi we witnessed in the 90s anyday. Yes, I know that lovely Mark Ramprakash has a lovely smile and dances like a dream but he was never mentally a top class Test cricketer. Broad is and he has success as a result. It's also worth noting that this apparently lenient punishment is only because - somehow - his earlier indiscretions have never been harshly dealt with. I suspect now he's got a 'proper' slap on the wrist, he'll not be so fortunate in future. Cracking article, though. This is aimed more at the comments than the (as ever) excellent piece above them.

  • long silly mid point on August 11, 2010, 14:44 GMT

    great article!

    I think the main problem with the Pakistani team is they are lacking a single impressive beard.

    How can you expect to win anything without a fine square cut beard in the team?

  • Nick D.C. on August 11, 2010, 14:34 GMT

    Please don't call a 'Macho' (hint: fella who was tanked for 6 sixes) guy pretty. Everyone will realize his true machismo once he is in Oz.

  • Dilscoop_160 on August 11, 2010, 12:59 GMT

    lol! Is the last one a joke, or an actual suggestion?

  • Jo on August 11, 2010, 12:51 GMT

    Broad is a slither of a real cricketer. He appears to be a graduate of the KP School of Social Graces. He looks as if he would rather be performing in a pantomime and probably many cricket viewers would prefer that he changes careers.

  • girish on August 11, 2010, 12:39 GMT

    AWE.....SOME is the word

  • Mark on August 11, 2010, 12:29 GMT

    Broad should have been banned for a Test, or two. Abuse the opposition? Disrespect the umpires? We'll take some cash off you. Well, Broad can afford a fine. He couldn't afford the stink of being the first England player to be banned for such behaviour.

    Being soft on him reeks of favouritism from the higher-ups. It may not have been Chris Board handing out the punishment but it was his colleagues. Chris Broad should probably take up a different role in the ICC whilst his child is a Test cricketer. Conflict of interest, and all that.

    What I find just as unpleasant (if that's possible) is the spin that the captain and the management put on it. Frustration... heat of the moment... decisions turned down... no, it's just reprehensible behaviour.

    I don't kick off when I don't get a caught behind or an LBW. I let it go. There... it's gone. The umpires don't want the grief, and I don't want a coronary. Hurling cricket balls at other human beings? What sort of sociopath does that?

  • Douglas Newsam on August 11, 2010, 11:52 GMT

    Stuart Broad needs to be sat down and spoken to by the coach and manager. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and it was not the first time he has made a fool of himself. What does his Dad tell him? He is extremely fortunate that he will never have the chance to throw a ball in the direction of Viv Richards. That would probably be the end of his career. What a ridiculous gesture and Strauss evidently did absolutely nothing about it. But then again Strauss nicked the ball hugely yet stood around while a referral was made, fortunately he had the commonsense to slink away before the decision was made. What a terrible example for an England captain to set! That is name of the modern game.

  • Siddhartha Losalka on August 11, 2010, 11:26 GMT

    Nice work Andrew... The last one was specially commendable! Keep it up..!

  • chandra on August 11, 2010, 11:10 GMT

    beatiful one...well written with lots of humour

  • Manhous Bin Ghalib on August 11, 2010, 10:47 GMT

    It's ridiculous that Stuart was tried by a panel where his father was one of the members! Nowhere in the world is it allowed when the guilty are tried by their relations... in fact there are such rules and regulations in place, especially in Corporate Governance, that if you have a Resolution to be passed and if you are one of the interested parties, you automatically are disqualified to vote for that particular resolution where you are considered as an 'interested party'. Similarly if Stuart is to be tried, Chris shouldn't be eligible to be officiating in that enquiry committee... and to that extent ICC must amend its rules right away before any further farcical decisions are doled out and the aggrieved parties continue to suffer!!! Boycott such decisions... please whosoever is responsible for this inconsistency must be banned in the first instance...

  • maximum6 on August 11, 2010, 10:19 GMT

    The idea that replacing the top 6 of the Pakistan batting order with MoYousuf seems to ring true. I cannot but think he is worth at least that many runs,or double. They could of course reverse the order as it is, and let Gul play as a bat in the next test. Can you imagine the totals if they got Younis back on board too. Jeez. Makes the mind boggle with old score board whizzing round so fast. I wonder if Inzy fancies a gig too.

  • Sud on August 11, 2010, 10:04 GMT

    “Setting Your Field the Feng Shui Way” -that's hilarious..

  • Bingo Haley on August 11, 2010, 9:57 GMT

    Excellent!

  • lorenzo on August 11, 2010, 8:15 GMT

    The last two was gold especially the final one. well written

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • lorenzo on August 11, 2010, 8:15 GMT

    The last two was gold especially the final one. well written

  • Bingo Haley on August 11, 2010, 9:57 GMT

    Excellent!

  • Sud on August 11, 2010, 10:04 GMT

    “Setting Your Field the Feng Shui Way” -that's hilarious..

  • maximum6 on August 11, 2010, 10:19 GMT

    The idea that replacing the top 6 of the Pakistan batting order with MoYousuf seems to ring true. I cannot but think he is worth at least that many runs,or double. They could of course reverse the order as it is, and let Gul play as a bat in the next test. Can you imagine the totals if they got Younis back on board too. Jeez. Makes the mind boggle with old score board whizzing round so fast. I wonder if Inzy fancies a gig too.

  • Manhous Bin Ghalib on August 11, 2010, 10:47 GMT

    It's ridiculous that Stuart was tried by a panel where his father was one of the members! Nowhere in the world is it allowed when the guilty are tried by their relations... in fact there are such rules and regulations in place, especially in Corporate Governance, that if you have a Resolution to be passed and if you are one of the interested parties, you automatically are disqualified to vote for that particular resolution where you are considered as an 'interested party'. Similarly if Stuart is to be tried, Chris shouldn't be eligible to be officiating in that enquiry committee... and to that extent ICC must amend its rules right away before any further farcical decisions are doled out and the aggrieved parties continue to suffer!!! Boycott such decisions... please whosoever is responsible for this inconsistency must be banned in the first instance...

  • chandra on August 11, 2010, 11:10 GMT

    beatiful one...well written with lots of humour

  • Siddhartha Losalka on August 11, 2010, 11:26 GMT

    Nice work Andrew... The last one was specially commendable! Keep it up..!

  • Douglas Newsam on August 11, 2010, 11:52 GMT

    Stuart Broad needs to be sat down and spoken to by the coach and manager. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and it was not the first time he has made a fool of himself. What does his Dad tell him? He is extremely fortunate that he will never have the chance to throw a ball in the direction of Viv Richards. That would probably be the end of his career. What a ridiculous gesture and Strauss evidently did absolutely nothing about it. But then again Strauss nicked the ball hugely yet stood around while a referral was made, fortunately he had the commonsense to slink away before the decision was made. What a terrible example for an England captain to set! That is name of the modern game.

  • Mark on August 11, 2010, 12:29 GMT

    Broad should have been banned for a Test, or two. Abuse the opposition? Disrespect the umpires? We'll take some cash off you. Well, Broad can afford a fine. He couldn't afford the stink of being the first England player to be banned for such behaviour.

    Being soft on him reeks of favouritism from the higher-ups. It may not have been Chris Board handing out the punishment but it was his colleagues. Chris Broad should probably take up a different role in the ICC whilst his child is a Test cricketer. Conflict of interest, and all that.

    What I find just as unpleasant (if that's possible) is the spin that the captain and the management put on it. Frustration... heat of the moment... decisions turned down... no, it's just reprehensible behaviour.

    I don't kick off when I don't get a caught behind or an LBW. I let it go. There... it's gone. The umpires don't want the grief, and I don't want a coronary. Hurling cricket balls at other human beings? What sort of sociopath does that?

  • girish on August 11, 2010, 12:39 GMT

    AWE.....SOME is the word