August 21, 2010

India

The plight of the South Asian effigy burners

Andrew Hughes
Graeme Swann arrives at court to answer charges of drink-driving, Nottingham, August 16, 2010
Graeme Swann is dressed to the nines for a party organised by the Ugly Duckling and its family  © PA Photos
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Wednesday, August 18th There has been an angry reaction from some quarters following the apology and suspension of Suraj Randiv for his involvement in what has become known as The Great Dambulla Disaster. The Amalgamated Union of Effigy Burners and Associated Light Arsonists have written to both the BCCI and the Sri Lankan Cricket Board, protesting at the manner in which the issue has been allowed to fizzle out.

"We note with concern,” their letter states, “that both boards appear to have taken a cavalier approach to this issue and in stubbornly refusing to pour petrol on the fire, they have allowed the delicate spark of controversy to be extinguished. We urgently ask the BCCI, the Sri Lankan government and possibly NASA and the United Nations to vigorously poke the embers of this dying scandal, in order to offer support to the hard-pressed likeness conflagrators of the subcontinent.”

Meanwhile the campaign to give Viru back his century has gathered pace. All Indian cricketers are being asked not to score a century in their next innings, out of solidarity. Already it is believed that Ishant Sharma and Praveen Kumar have signed up. And a charity single: “A Six for Sehwag”, designed to raise awareness of the plight of Delhi-based batsmen with only 12 one-day centuries to their name is to be recorded next week by many of the world’s best singers and Brett Lee.

Thursday, August 19th After the great injustice perpetrated against our nation yesterday, all true-born Englishmen were united today in raising a mojito to the ECB’s Emailer-in-Chief, Giles Clarke for his dynamic intervention that has salvaged our country’s pride. The crisis began less than 24 hours ago when the ICC announced the long list of nominees for some award or other. The precise name of the award and indeed the identity of any of the previous winners escaped most in these shores, but what did not pass us by was the total absence of any Englishmen on that list.

The sound of thundering jowls could be heard all the way back to Dubai, but in our hour of need, it was to our leader, Lord Clarke of Antigua, that we turned. A swift electronic mail, no doubt involving heavy use of the underline and bold font facilities and hey presto, sanity was restored to the ICC lists. I am proud to report that sitting at the head of the list of nominations for a brand new category, “Offspinners Named After Large Birds”, sits our own buck-toothed twirler, Graeme “Tiddles” Swann. Three cheers for good old Giles and God Save the Queen!

Friday, August 20th The Sri Lankan Cricket Board, under fire for arranging too many matches against India have responded to the criticism that they couldn’t possibly find a new way to take on their rivals to the north by rising to the challenge. Rather than India versus Sri Lanka in India or Sri Lanka versus India in Sri Lanka, it was today announced that their next encounter will be Sri Lanka Versus India On Ice.

The two teams will tour the ice rinks of the world re-enacting classic moments from the recent past. Laugh as the hapless Yuvraj is teased by a group of small boys waving cups of water at him! Cheer as Murali collects his 800th wicket as the clock strikes midnight! Boo as wicked Randiv hides the magical ball from the hero Viru, then cheer as the heroic Sri Lankan administrator chases him from the ice!*

* Those buying tickets for this event will be guaranteed half price admission to Sri Lanka Versus India On Ice 2, due to tour next year. Book now to avoid disappointment!

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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Posted by udit on (August 24, 2010, 14:03 GMT)

ravi needs to get a life

Posted by Auchi, Sri Lanka on (August 22, 2010, 6:31 GMT)

This is good...especially the first and last parts.

Posted by Ravi on (August 22, 2010, 4:58 GMT)

Randiv has done it only after instructions from Sangakkara on 4th ball, not on 2nd & 3rd balls. If so, it was Sangakkara who should be fined and banned from the matches, not the poor Randiv who is just a mercinary used by Sangakkara. Should this SL maestro banned from the Punjab and IPL teams?

Posted by Bala on (August 22, 2010, 4:19 GMT)

world's best singers and brett lee :))) that was som pun...lee singing hindi songs

Posted by dr. jha on (August 22, 2010, 4:04 GMT)

typical english...i'll add some more to this piece... if i am allowed to...

friday , august 21st... its confirmed... english test cricketers do not like any bit of competition... they will claim they are the best test cricket nation but as soon as a zulfi haider hangs around the crease for more than a couple of hours.. they begin to break... as soon as some resistance is shown they begin to disintegrate.. as soon as opposition starts taking their catches they look like they are giving catching practice.. barring a couple of south african born or australian born " english " cricketers... no one puts up a fight... kinda intriguing.. andrew... ????

Posted by TheBigFatFlapjack on (August 22, 2010, 3:26 GMT)

Nice one Andrew Hughes.

Posted by Nigel. Melb. Aust. on (August 22, 2010, 1:57 GMT)

Thank you Andrew, great stuff, thoroughly enjoyed that. A damn good read, ol' chap. I volunteer to be the Aust. rep for the Amalgamated Union of Effigy burners & Ass. Light Arsonists, I think their is going to be need for us, what with the upcoming Ashes Series and all. Keep up the good work, looking forward to more. Cheers.

Posted by MJ on (August 21, 2010, 23:10 GMT)

This one was funnier than the last few pieces you wrote. Gret job!

Posted by zohaib on (August 21, 2010, 21:56 GMT)

nicely done!

Posted by Ari DeAndrado on (August 21, 2010, 21:49 GMT)

Andrew,

As a Sri Lankan, and an ardent cricket enthusiast that was truly a fantastic piece! I laughed myself senseless at the so called letter written by "the amalgamated union of effigy burners and associated light arsonists".

Cheers and keep up the good work mate!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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