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January 27, 2012

India in Australia 2011-12

Stop the madness

Jarrod Kimber

Ben Hilfenhaus’ body is built for a purpose, and you can’t imagine that purpose was ever running, diving and throwing all in one motion.

Hilfenhaus doesn’t have the body shape of an athletic fielder. He’s not a huge man, but he’s got a solid trunk on him, more tree than ballet dancer. There aren’t many moving parts. It just all seems to be made to propel the ball at a fair rate and swing it away.

That’s why it was odd that a Hilfenaus run, dive and throw was the final sign that India have just not been up to it this summer. The whole thinking behind the incident told you everything you needed to know about Team India.

A nightwatchman came in for a No. 7 in a dead-rubber Test that was already lost only for the proper batsman to try and farm the strike and be run out by a few centimetres when the opposition fast bowler threw the stumps down as India’s star batsman didn’t quite dive to full effect.

There isn’t a part of this run-out that doesn’t show India just hasn’t been with it this series. They are every bit the middle-aged guy with a comb over and party shirt dancing on his own in the corner of a crowded nightclub.

The idea that Wriddhiman Saha, who had handled himself very well in the first innings during a tough period, would need a nightwatchman is absurd. But let’s say that he wanted one.

Why was Virat Kohli trying to get on strike so bad, it wasn’t as if India needed that single, any chance of winning the game had disappeared long ago? Surely it wasn’t so that Ishant Sharma didn’t have to face Nathan Lyon, known tail-end destroyer that he is.

Even Virat’s dive was not fully stretched out, it was a technical error in the middle of a bunch of basic cricket smarts errors. Perhaps he was tired. Mentally and physically.

And why didn’t Sharma say no, any single there was unnecessarily risky, and he must have known his job was to face the bowling, not stand at the non-strikers end.

Also, why is Ashwin India’s spokesman, they have a media manager already, so why is Ashwin sent out every time India have a bad day when the average age of the side is 110-years old. Surely one of the experienced players should come out, Tendulkar hasn’t come out once, and VVS only once.

And while we’re talking about it, why was Australia p***ing about with stupid batting and not just slogging to set a total. They had five wickets in hand. Just have a go.

Can you even believe they batted on for 11 minutes after lunch? I mean why does it really matter if they are 500 runs in front or 478, or 283,095 runs in front, it wasn’t like India were going to go for one total, or feel psychologically obstructed by another.

This is all ridiculous. If I were Virender Sehwag, I would have probably requested the extra 30 minutes be tacked on to the day’s play, because what is the point of a fifth day in this Test.

My main fear at the moment is that CA and the BCCI will conspire to add another Test to this series and ESPNcricinfo will request that I cover that Test.

Just end this. Now. Please. Come on. I’ve done my time. This is pointless. Help me.

I don’t care about Ponting’s comeback, Clarke’s good PR, Virat’s finger, Dhoni’s suspension, Sehwag’s natural game, Siddle’s wrist position or even Sachin’s pointless statistical milestone, I just want this all to stop. Even you Big Bash, you can p*** off too. Please end Australian summer. I don’t care if I’m abducted by rough-loving aliens, just get me out of here. It’s enough already.

Eight is more than enough for me.

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Posted by Tim on (February 14, 2012, 6:54 GMT)

After that run out, the rest of the Indians should have gone out into the middle of the ground, dropped their daks, bent over and let the Aussies finish the job.

Posted by Arun MAK on (January 31, 2012, 5:35 GMT)

Someone asked the Indian cricketers why they were failing so repeatedly on their tours of England, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand... (To Be Continued...) Captain: (Somberly) "They asked us to take the tours, but never said we have to play cricket." So their Board decided that their future tours shall be only against School Kids, that too only below the age 12.

Sachin, hold on for few more months. IF LUCKY THE RECORD WILL BE YOURS.

CAN THE OTHER BOARDS SEE IF THE TEAM THEY CHOOSE TO FACE INDIA HAS MORE GIRLS IN THE AGE 5 - 8? LET INDIA TOO WIN SOME MATCHES ON YOUR SOIL.

Posted by MAK2607 on (January 31, 2012, 4:58 GMT)

Hilarious indeed. I remember one of their commentators saying, "The series is already over and now all they have is to play for their pride." Pride? What pride? Even if they are stripped to nothing in the middle of 'Times Square', in broad day light, they will still call it Marketing for their IPL. It is high time the other Cricket Associations take some stiff action to safeguard cricket. Just because india generates more money, they have their say? Reminds of two Quips, one by Geoff Boycott, when he said abt an indian bowler:he wouldn't bowl my grandma in the back yard & 2nd:Gayle applying for indian team. no point in hecking Jarrod. If the Indians had any real self respect, they should stop patronizing. KICK OUT SACHIN, DRAVID, DHONI. PRAGYAN OJHA - WHENEVER HE WAS IN THE TEAM / SQUAD... IT WAS A DISASTER. JUST SCRAP THEM ALL. START AFRESH

Posted by Meety on (January 31, 2012, 1:58 GMT)

Without doubt the whole Nightwatchmen then run out saga was amongst the dumbest cricket I'd seen in a test match. At lest Allan Donald getting runout in a W/Cup semi was due to a high pressure situation. I thought it was very poetic that Hilfy performed the run out on the "star" batsmen, given his whining in the press about the nasty Ozzys & Hilfy being singled out! Ahhh lovely!

Posted by robin on (January 31, 2012, 1:25 GMT)

I regularly watch the two chucks, you guys are awesome! your irreverent and caustic remarks on all and sundry is just hilarious Hope to continue seeing you and your writing on cricinfo. Keep it up!!

Posted by Nikhil Damle on (January 30, 2012, 17:54 GMT)

I am with you on this one! Since they wouldn't stop, I just switched to the Oz Open. Thankfully, Paes (all of 39), Djoko and Nadal made my weekend brighter than it ever has been this Australian summer, rather its been more like the English summer!!

Posted by Ramanna Rai on (January 30, 2012, 12:51 GMT)

Very well written,unfortunately Indian fans thrive on this madness, it won`t stop them from worshipping cricket even if it is 16-0 ,all that they need is cricket and cricket ,even more so with the addition (or addiction???)of IPL, such GROSS waste of time, can understand if it is world cup, wasting time on such series where a professional team does not seem to bother about any improvements,unashamed of defeats is not worth it.Attitude of Gambhir and Sehwag is shocking especially after thier post series comments on turning pitches, or winning in India 2-0 , God save Indian cricket rather the Indian fans, plesae utilise your time in something worthwhile, I have already wasted few minutes here ,but I swear to myself NOT any more on this topic.

Posted by Anonymous on (January 30, 2012, 12:48 GMT)

Very well written,unfortunately Indian fans thrive on this madness, it won`t stop them from worshipping cricket even if it is 16-0 ,all that they need is cricket and cricket ,even more so with the addition (or addiction???)of IPL, such GROSS waste of time, can understand if it is world cup, wasting time on such series where a professional team does not seem to bother about any improvements,unashamed of defeats is not worth it.Attitude of Gambhir and Sehwag is shocking especially after thier post series comments on turning pitches, or winning in India 2-0 , God save Indian cricket rather the Indian fans, plesae utilise your time in something worthwhile, I have already wasted few minutes here ,but I swear to myself NOT any more on this topic.

Posted by mohana.m on (January 30, 2012, 10:38 GMT)

The bravo indian fans don't worry, because every body to time will come bad or good., so now time for indian cricket team is going bad .Dear fans rember that time when our team lift the world cup trophy,When all worlds fan's enjoied. So with in six month India will come back In No-1 Possition. Fans please belive India, and what's going on Ingland in Abudabhi.

Posted by mohana.m on (January 30, 2012, 9:57 GMT)

India Have deffited white wash from aussies, dosn't matter but Idia have strong and Good record holder player, in a game loose or win dosn't matter, but here is not deffiated here is surrender our self . and Indian plaerwas demoralaised teir fans.and they have not played like bravomen. this is the shame for india because of we are greatest in the world, in every field.

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