England in India 2012-13 January 16, 2013

In which England hark back to the bad old days

There really is nothing like a good collapse, is there?
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It's the epic bat-and-ball clash that is already being described as "one of several limited-overs series taking place in January". In the blue corner, the undisputed and inexplicably top-ranked 50-over side in the world. In the other blue corner, complaining about the lack of wi-fi, it's the challengers, MS "Transition" Dhoni and the Excuse-Makers from Mars.

It reminds me of the lesser-known Biblical clash on the undercard at the David versus Goliath bout: the one between David's heavily tattooed cousin Dwayne, who had an unfortunate tendency to sling stones into his own face, but who talked a good game, and Goliath's younger brother Geoffrey, who had anxiety issues and didn't like people looking at him.

Two games in, and, as predicted, the thing makes no sense whatsoever. The cricket has been quite entertaining, but there's more fun to be had by watching desperate cricket hacks attempting to construct a coherent narrative out of the randomness. Three days ago England had boldly gone and conquered the final frontier. Today the warp drive went into reverse.

I'm not complaining. As a wicket junkie, there's nothing I like more than a good collapse, and since New Zealand don't play every week, it was a pleasant surprise to see England staging a tribute to the good old days by not even getting close to organising an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of mounting an effort to chase India's total.

Ian Bell started it by successfully nicking a wide one that Joel Garner wearing arm extenders would have struggled to reach. Although, to be honest, I think a taller man, with nothing to prove height-wise, probably wouldn't have bothered going for it. Napoleon, on the other hand, would definitely have played that shot, as would have Alexander the Great and any of the Seven Dwarfs, with the possible exception of Sleepy, who was a great leaver of the ball.

Bell's colleagues followed him to the pavilion with unseemly haste. Joe Root's dismissal illustrated the folly of allowing youngsters to use adult equipment, as he got his oversized bat tangled in his baggy trousers. Steven Finn got into a terrible flap with one of Ashwin's carrom balls. He kind of looked out, but no one was entirely clear on the details, so the bowler played a quick game of 20 questions with Steve Davies.

"Was it a stumping?"

"Ooh close, but not the right answer. Have another go."

"Erm, timed out?"

"Nope. I'll give you clue. It starts with a C."

"Oh, I think I know this. Was it caught and bowled?"

"No---"

"Hit wicket?"

"Hit wicket doesn't start with a C."

"It's got a C in it."

"No, you're getting colder, to be honest."

"Hit the ball twice? Drunk and disorderly? High treason?"

"No, no, no. It rhymes with 'out for nought'."

"Erm, could you whisper it?"

"No, but I can mime it for you if that would help."

"Oh, now I get it!"

"So what do we say?"

"Er… howzat?"

"And on what grounds?"

"Was he out caught, umpire Davies?"

"He was indeed, well done. Off you go Finn, you're boring me now."

Finally, it was interesting to see how the players adapted to the new playing regulations that require each team to attempt to instigate a pointless squabble during the Powerplay. It was Jade Dernbach who stepped up to the petulance plate for England by complaining that the Indian captain was standing in the wrong place. Showing why he's still the best man for the job, Dhoni defused the situation by refraining from the obvious retort: that at least his arms didn't look like a couple of delinquent chimpanzees had been at them with a box of blue crayons. When you can learn to bite your tongue like that, Gautam, then you can be captain.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Misam Jaffer on January 23, 2013, 1:10 GMT

    "...there’s nothing I like more than a good collapse, and since New Zealand don’t play every week...", lool...I am sure after NZ's recent performances, somewhere out there Kane Williamson is smiling to himself and thinking, "Yeah Andrew, Tak Nah" :D

    jk, brilliant as always Andrew!

  • Basavaraj Basagi on January 17, 2013, 5:14 GMT

    Superb article...loved the last line.....

  • Samy on January 16, 2013, 23:55 GMT

    Loved this article.. Thanks mate... Cheers

  • Shreyas on January 16, 2013, 16:54 GMT

    Wow!! What an article. Wish I got ideas like u. Ashwin's 20 questions was truly epic!! OMG. “Hit the ball twice? Drunk and disorderly? High treason?” What a line!! Joe Root's bat got stuck? Should be a lesson for him not to use those oversized bats of his. Hope India show the same fight in the rest of the series and in in the coming years. BLEED BLUE!!! (Which can work both ways)

  • Indian in us on January 16, 2013, 16:03 GMT

    Andy, brilliant article. Where have you been hiding? Write more, you remind me of Gerald Durrell.

  • Pavan on January 16, 2013, 15:32 GMT

    love your humour. good one - as always!

  • dinesh on January 16, 2013, 15:19 GMT

    Boring article! not funny like ur other articles, Andrew.

  • peter on January 16, 2013, 14:55 GMT

    absolutely brilliant article- loved it! and how very appropriate - the last line. India will probably have to wait aeons to get a captain like MS again- true he has had his bad judgement days but then which captain hasn't had- in hindsight everybody can do better, and he has to rely on a team which often stutters

  • SkylaDark on January 16, 2013, 14:51 GMT

    Excellent article. Let's hope England can live up to the pressure next game.

  • Raju Iyer on January 16, 2013, 13:24 GMT

    Hilarious! Loved the reference to an exploratory committee...

  • Misam Jaffer on January 23, 2013, 1:10 GMT

    "...there’s nothing I like more than a good collapse, and since New Zealand don’t play every week...", lool...I am sure after NZ's recent performances, somewhere out there Kane Williamson is smiling to himself and thinking, "Yeah Andrew, Tak Nah" :D

    jk, brilliant as always Andrew!

  • Basavaraj Basagi on January 17, 2013, 5:14 GMT

    Superb article...loved the last line.....

  • Samy on January 16, 2013, 23:55 GMT

    Loved this article.. Thanks mate... Cheers

  • Shreyas on January 16, 2013, 16:54 GMT

    Wow!! What an article. Wish I got ideas like u. Ashwin's 20 questions was truly epic!! OMG. “Hit the ball twice? Drunk and disorderly? High treason?” What a line!! Joe Root's bat got stuck? Should be a lesson for him not to use those oversized bats of his. Hope India show the same fight in the rest of the series and in in the coming years. BLEED BLUE!!! (Which can work both ways)

  • Indian in us on January 16, 2013, 16:03 GMT

    Andy, brilliant article. Where have you been hiding? Write more, you remind me of Gerald Durrell.

  • Pavan on January 16, 2013, 15:32 GMT

    love your humour. good one - as always!

  • dinesh on January 16, 2013, 15:19 GMT

    Boring article! not funny like ur other articles, Andrew.

  • peter on January 16, 2013, 14:55 GMT

    absolutely brilliant article- loved it! and how very appropriate - the last line. India will probably have to wait aeons to get a captain like MS again- true he has had his bad judgement days but then which captain hasn't had- in hindsight everybody can do better, and he has to rely on a team which often stutters

  • SkylaDark on January 16, 2013, 14:51 GMT

    Excellent article. Let's hope England can live up to the pressure next game.

  • Raju Iyer on January 16, 2013, 13:24 GMT

    Hilarious! Loved the reference to an exploratory committee...

  • R N Singh on January 16, 2013, 11:32 GMT

    Bloody awesome. Where did you learn to write like this ? England ?

  • Anonymous on January 16, 2013, 11:20 GMT

    How could he miss out on all the other obvious targets? Because his favourite target is Bell, who for once in ODIs since his recall wasn't leading from the front. Although his quip about Bell reaching the ball has some mileage. Bell can just about hit anything which isn't always in his favour. Just for a history lesson Napoleon wasn't such a small guy. It was a rumour put out by his enemies. Bell is 5ft 10. Draw your own conclusions.

  • dicky lalwani on January 16, 2013, 10:56 GMT

    Tried hard, but couldnt laugh, sorry andrew but - NOT FUNNY !

  • Vic Krishnan on January 16, 2013, 10:17 GMT

    When you can learn to bite your tongue like that, Gautam, then you can be captain. Ouch!! Love it!

  • Aditya Saxena on January 16, 2013, 9:12 GMT

    Bloody brilliant! Lovely article

  • Thomas on January 16, 2013, 8:54 GMT

    It was a great game alright, but I still feel this England side has got what it takes to have the last laugh....as for yesterday's game...well played India, well played.

  • Shazzam on January 16, 2013, 7:49 GMT

    How could you have missed out on the hair do Ishant is sporting these days..?

  • A.M.SRINEVASAN on January 16, 2013, 7:19 GMT

    We Indians always forget the past and venture for future miracles in all walks of life,Howmany matches we missed by lip of cup,loosing under the Captancy of Bengal Tiger,We forgot thanks to Doni ,who won several cups for us,beating all top teams time and again,which is no equal in record books,up course Kapil was the only Captain who is match to Doni,but Donizetti contribution ic matchless because he is not bowler captain,Welso know how much we were defeated under so many Captains namely Bishensingh Bedi,who now wants Doni to go,is not suicidal,for Indian Cricket,Goodluck to Indian Captain who can sleep sound if he is relieved,God save BCCI,Indian Cricket,if that happens,

  • Jackwin on January 16, 2013, 6:32 GMT

    one of your best andrew...rofl..:-)

  • hitesh soni on January 16, 2013, 6:25 GMT

    i snorted my my food out when i read that last line. whattaafunny!

  • Anonymous on January 16, 2013, 5:30 GMT

    Awesome article, love it ...

  • Anil on January 16, 2013, 4:33 GMT

    Awesome! And, the last sentence "When you can learn to bite your tongue like that, Gautam, then you can be captain" told something worth a million pages. The word "Kohli" can equally be swapped there. There is reason why Dravid thinks there is no alternative to Dhoni now (as captain); but Indian fans care for nothing. All they want is MSD's ouster! We, us Indians, are a perfect patch: like country, like people, like fans, like BCCI, like...whatever.

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  • Anil on January 16, 2013, 4:33 GMT

    Awesome! And, the last sentence "When you can learn to bite your tongue like that, Gautam, then you can be captain" told something worth a million pages. The word "Kohli" can equally be swapped there. There is reason why Dravid thinks there is no alternative to Dhoni now (as captain); but Indian fans care for nothing. All they want is MSD's ouster! We, us Indians, are a perfect patch: like country, like people, like fans, like BCCI, like...whatever.

  • Anonymous on January 16, 2013, 5:30 GMT

    Awesome article, love it ...

  • hitesh soni on January 16, 2013, 6:25 GMT

    i snorted my my food out when i read that last line. whattaafunny!

  • Jackwin on January 16, 2013, 6:32 GMT

    one of your best andrew...rofl..:-)

  • A.M.SRINEVASAN on January 16, 2013, 7:19 GMT

    We Indians always forget the past and venture for future miracles in all walks of life,Howmany matches we missed by lip of cup,loosing under the Captancy of Bengal Tiger,We forgot thanks to Doni ,who won several cups for us,beating all top teams time and again,which is no equal in record books,up course Kapil was the only Captain who is match to Doni,but Donizetti contribution ic matchless because he is not bowler captain,Welso know how much we were defeated under so many Captains namely Bishensingh Bedi,who now wants Doni to go,is not suicidal,for Indian Cricket,Goodluck to Indian Captain who can sleep sound if he is relieved,God save BCCI,Indian Cricket,if that happens,

  • Shazzam on January 16, 2013, 7:49 GMT

    How could you have missed out on the hair do Ishant is sporting these days..?

  • Thomas on January 16, 2013, 8:54 GMT

    It was a great game alright, but I still feel this England side has got what it takes to have the last laugh....as for yesterday's game...well played India, well played.

  • Aditya Saxena on January 16, 2013, 9:12 GMT

    Bloody brilliant! Lovely article

  • Vic Krishnan on January 16, 2013, 10:17 GMT

    When you can learn to bite your tongue like that, Gautam, then you can be captain. Ouch!! Love it!

  • dicky lalwani on January 16, 2013, 10:56 GMT

    Tried hard, but couldnt laugh, sorry andrew but - NOT FUNNY !