August 28, 2013

The Sun tells you everything you need to know about cricket

Alan Tyers
The Rolling Stones' Charlie Watts and Mick Jagger watch the match, England v Australia, NatWest Series, 2nd ODI, Lord's, September 6, 2009
The Rolling Stones (ask granddad about them) caught in liking cricket shocker  © Getty Images


In an eye-catching editorial decision, cricket made a rare appearance on the front page of the Sun newspaper, the UK's biggest selling daily, on Tuesday. Sadly, it wasn't about the 3-0 Ashes win, or only tangentially. The headline was "L.Pee.W" and it introduced the story "England on sticky wicket as cricket aces piddle on The Oval pitch".

Still, cricket cannot be too picky as to how it gets this sort of widespread exposure. If the Sun is thinking of putting cricket at the front of the paper in the future, the following handy guide may be of assistance to readers unfamiliar with the game.

Twenty things you never knew about cricket

1) Cricket is a game played by men with odd-shaped BALLS [Subs to check this one, thanks]

2) Famous England cricket players include Liberty X stunner Jessica Taylor's husband Kevin Peterson, reality TV favourite Freddie Flintoff and Sir Steaky Botham.

3) Legend Botham first hit the headlines in the '80s for a drug-fuelled sex ROMP with a busty Miss World hopeful…

4) Jamaica.

5) Premier League football stars who like cricket include Gary Neville and BROTHER Phil.

6) Funny words in cricket include BALLS, TICKLE, SWING and TV UMPIRE ALEEM DAR.

7) England have got to the top of the cricket tree with a team of immigrants from around the world. There is no suggestion that any of them are on BENEFITS however.

8) The last time England won the Ashes, England youngster Young Joe Root was just 19 and a pint of MILK cost as little as 58p.

9) Other nations which play cricket include Pakistan, Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka, but it can also be played in normal countries too.

10) Cricket was originally invented in public schools to keep the toffs from engaging in SEX ACTS too vile to describe in a family newspaper.

11) Fortunately, Mrs Thatcher brilliantly sold off all the school playing fields to protect the nation's youth from cricket SEX BEASTS preying on the young.

12) In the 1970s, Loony Left counsellors tried to ban cricket in schools because it was seen as RACIST.

13) Cricket's oldest rivalry is between England and Australia. The teams play for a trophy called The Ashes. The tiny urn contains a burned up sausage that was stolen from a BARBEQUE by a convict.

14) Famous Australians include Kylie Minogue, Kylie's sister Dannii Minogue and sex death rock pervert Michael Hutchence.

15) As well as cricket star Shaun Warne. The popular Aussie is engaged to hooker shame Hugh Grant's ex, posh totty Liz Hurley.

16) England won the recent Ashes match 3-0 but it would have been 4-0 if meddling HEALTH AND SAFETY jobsworths had kept their noses out.

17) Cricket could be the new rock and roll - Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Elton John and Lily Allen are all massive FANS.

18) And Lily is not the only girl who loves the sight of a man in a white uniform. England even has a WOMEN'S team now.

19) But bad news fellers - there's no ripping off the shirts to celebrate when they do a wicket!

20) Although judging by the pictures a lot of them are feminists anyway.

Learn more about cricket in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, here

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Posted by   on (August 29, 2013, 16:59 GMT)

A hilarious piece, indeed. Alan managed to draw out real laughter out of me with 6,7 8 & 9...

@Vic Lewis: I show my solidarity to your decision, knowing about the tabloid's horrible reports on the Hillsborough tragedy...

Posted by Niketh2000 on (August 29, 2013, 8:16 GMT)

What's wrong with Sri Lanka???

Posted by   on (August 28, 2013, 16:20 GMT)

Very funny, Mr Tyers! Pretty much spot-on, too, I'm guessing - although as a Liverpool FC fan, as well as a Lancashire fan - I live half-way between Old Trafford and Aigburth! - I won't read that particular tabloid. :-)

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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