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September 22, 2013

Cricket News Hurl

Croc, pus, ambassador

Jarrod Kimber
The crocodile that hid under Guy Whittall's bed did it for Sachin  © Twitter/Guy Whittall
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Andre Russell took four wickets in four balls for West Indies A against India A. That is a double hat-trick, yet everyone calls it four wickets in four balls. It takes the magic away from it. Andre Russell does not have magic in his fingers; his fingers, hands, wrists and forearms are made of pure magic.

Mumbai Indians made even more magic this week when they unveiled their new hashtag for the Champions League. #ThisTimeFor10dulkar. They replaced "ten", with 10, which shortened it by a character, and made it 104 times more annoying. It's also unnecessarily didactic. As we are already doing everything for Sachin. Rock Hudson dedicated his performance in Seconds to Sachin. The ghost of a mischievous girl put a post box on the side of a bridge for Sachin. And I personally brush my teeth for Sachin every day, just in case I meet him.

The hashtag isn't the only exciting thing from the IPL. Former ICC elite panel umpire Asad Rauf and current son-in-law and former Chennai Super Kings enthusiast Gurunath Meiyappan have both been charged in the IPL fixing case. It's not great timing for Mr N Srinivasan as he tries to seek re-election as the chairman of the BCCI. There was also a court order restraining their special general meeting. There will be no cheerleaders in the CLT20 due to corruption (?) and morality concerns, unless the multi-year contracts cause trouble. And also an entire case coming back to life about IPL 2 and foreign-exchange regulations I wouldn't pretend to understand. It's all crumbling, and there may be no one to dance 25-second boring routines to cheer Srinivasan up.

Virat Kohli is now the brand ambassador of India's central paramilitary agency, the Border Security Force (BSF). He is their first brand ambassador. A better choice might have been Eileen Ash, who made the news this week because she is a 101 years old and still does yoga. She was also a former spy and Test cricketer. What a brand ambassador she could be. For pretty much anything. She can play a Test-quality cover drive and end a dissident's life with a paperclip.

At the very least she could have been a brand ambassador for the Under-19 women of Kashmir who played in their first cricket tournament this week. The report talks of a keeper wearing hijab, and others wearing Australian cricket shirts. It doesn't mention how good the keeper's footwork was, or if the woman in the Australian shirt went out cheaply. It sounds pretty amazing and should have got more press.

Unfortunately it happened in the same week as the one when former Zimbabwe allrounder Guy Whittall slept in a bed with an eight-foot crocodile beneath him. Crocodiles beat hijab-wearing keepers. For most people, that would the toughest thing in their career. But Whittall played 46 Tests in a golden age of cricket with a batting average of 29 and a bowling average of 40. So a crocodile under the bed is probably better than facing Curtly Ambrose on any pitch ever. Being that Whittall has survived a crocodile and an Ambrose, he might qualify as the toughest guy on earth.

The players in Glasgow are getting a bit too tough, however. Glasgow cricket leagues are strengthening their dissent regulations as players have repeatedly given expletive-laden (the best kind of laden) rants to umpires. They are thinking of penalising teams for offences by taking runs off, or even yellow or red cards for the players involved. The third, and more expensive, option is to bring in DRS so players are far too confused to complain about anything.

At the SLC awards the hired entertainment did a satire skit to keep the audience amused through what would have otherwise been cricketers and cricket administrators giving dull speeches. They suggested using ARS (Audience Review System) to rig games and bring in money through SMS. They also made fun of Sanath Jayasuriya for, well, many things, but partially for when he was commentating and he said, "You can see the pus coming out", when he meant soil. The audience laughed often. Jayasuriya did not, and has sent a letter to the SLC about how unhappy he is. You'd think he'd have more important things to worry about, being a politician and selector. Compared to Mahela Jayawardene, who was on a plane that was diverted due to a potential hijacking, being mocked seems kind of nothing. Jayasuriya's character in the satire is a hapless politician who wore sneakers, and danced significantly better than Jayasuriya did on Indian TV. Jayasuriya would have been better off clapping politely and fake-laughing. When someone parodies you, you don't make the news and become a bigger story. Because if you squeeze a parody, the soil comes out.

Jayasuriya's old sparring partner Shane Warne made other headlines this weekend for this Twitter usage. Warne tweeted: "@ZodiacFacts Seriously,where do u get this crap from.Sum up a Virgo properly please & FYI also give us some interesting stuff, thankyou..." It was his most interesting tweet of the week.

Fellow Victorian David Hussey won the YB40 for Nottingamshire at Lord's. Other non-Victorian Bushranger players were involved.

If you've got anything you think should be in next week's cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com. Always check under your bed for crocodiles or Gurunath Meiyappan.

Jarrod Kimber is 50% of the Two Chucks, and the mind responsible for cricketwithballs.com

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Keywords: Cricket News Hurl, Offbeat

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Posted by   on (September 22, 2013, 7:41 GMT)

Pure genius this........the bits about Sachin and SLC were truly hilarious..........

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