October 11, 2013

What if Tendulkar were English?

Alan Tyers
Sachin Tendulkar was honoured with membership to the Order of Australia, Mumbai, November 6, 2012
"For consistently staying away from the Ashes, here's the Order of Australia, son."  © AFP
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1989 Makes international debut against Australia, aged 16. Scores 4 and 0 but after bowling an okayish over of seam, is immediately dubbed the New Botham.

1990 Emerges that Ted Dexter had handed him his debut in a case of mistaken identity.

1991 Injured while trying to carry a crate of Carling Black Label over security fence at Uxbridge during NatWest Trophy quarter-final celebrations.

1992 Gets early introduction to the levels of media exposure that will follow him throughout his career when he makes dazzling, banter-rich debut on A Question Of Sport, cracking a cheeky-but-just-the-right-side-of-the-line quip about Princess Anne.

1993 After being dismissed cheaply several times against Australia, is subject of controversial profile by Michael Henderson which claims he "has a marvellous natural sense of rhythm but they lack the stomach for the fight, don't they?"

1994 Well documented struggles with drink, drugs, gambling, cigarettes, weight, cricket.

1997 Brought back into the England team after a three-year absence. Is given thorough working over by Windies' battery of pacemen.

1998 Dropped, confidence shot to pieces. England career looks over.

1998 Appointed captain of England. Makes what comes to be regarded as his finest innings, a battling 37 at Headingley on a lively deck against fired-up South Africans. Reveals later that he was playing on despite severe hangover throughout.

1999 Marries loyal childhood sweetheart Babs in tasteful ceremony at Alton Towers.

1999 Divorced by Babs after affair with busty page-three stunner's older cousin.

2000 Loses captaincy after unsavoury row with an umpire, in which he begs to be given lbw in order to get away from facing any more of the West Indian bowling.

2001 Retires, saying that it "is time to let some of the young lads have a go". Turns 28. Working on multimedia roadshow with Corky.

2003 Gets OBE.

2004 Weight of county runs (including eye-catching half century against Oxford University on testing mid-July flat top) leads for growing clamour for him to be recalled, yet again, to England side.

2005 Passes milestone that will surely never be repeated: his 100th international comeback.

2006 Makes comeback for Ashes tour of Australia as Andrew Flintoff's personal drinks carrier.

2008 Launches unsuccessful power grab to become England captain, coach, chief executive, and women's cricket captain. Cast out into the wilderness once again.

2011 Demands time off England cricket to play in the Peruvian Premier League, but is sacked after just one game for the Lima Daredevils, amid claims that "his eyes have gone - as has all of the money".

2013 Plays final game for England (at time of writing), disappears off radar, re-emerges on Celebrity Big Brother, now believed to be pursuing options to get a foreign passport and make debut for another country.

Alan's new book is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects

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Posted by   on (October 14, 2013, 8:26 GMT)

Is this the path charted by a typical English great? I don't follow cricket too much but your piece suggests so, Mr Tyers. I guess Botham had a similar activity path.

Posted by   on (October 14, 2013, 7:47 GMT)

Even above said is not at all reverts to Tendulkar at no means, below things must have on his name if he were English/Australian. 1) Highest runner in Test series between Eng-Aus inclusive Ashes. 2) Made ECB or ACB richest broads in world. 3) Inspire/Promote more white skins and local clubs. 4) Officially awarded by SIR. 5) Regarded as greatest of all time by all means. Second best: Don Bradman 6) Cricket ground named after him. But above all this, he would have missed support of Millions those devote him as GOD.

Posted by playfaircricket on (October 13, 2013, 19:26 GMT)

Too Goood Article..well done author

Posted by Stateside_Steve on (October 12, 2013, 19:55 GMT)

Wonderful piece,

"1989 Makes international debut against Australia, aged 16. Scores 4 and 0 but after bowling an okayish over of seam, is immediately dubbed the New Botham."

Nailed it with the line above. If Tendulkar were English and did what he did, the Queen will be bowing to him every time she sees him.

Posted by Virendra_Y on (October 12, 2013, 11:19 GMT)

Not funny at all.

Posted by wantsachinback on (October 12, 2013, 8:17 GMT)

really good drafted!! and happy that SACHIN name of DIAMOND born in INDIA only! Thanks GOD!!

Posted by   on (October 12, 2013, 4:29 GMT)

hilarious... just too good

Posted by IndTheBest on (October 12, 2013, 3:49 GMT)

If Tendulkar was English, Indian cricket would have not achieved the heights where it is now. Tendulkar himself would have played 300 test matches with 75 Hundreds and more than 28000 runs. He would have regarded better than Don from all the corners. Indian media must have praised him him even more by saying that cricketer from indian originare doing wonders. He is a Don's Avatar!

Posted by inswing on (October 11, 2013, 19:03 GMT)

Well done, brutally funny.

Posted by Aaaaaron on (October 11, 2013, 16:57 GMT)

Very funny article....I enjoyed thorughly....Thanks.

Posted by k4rth4 on (October 11, 2013, 15:42 GMT)

@KerneelsMerkII LOL. That was actually funnier than the article

Posted by   on (October 11, 2013, 14:57 GMT)

Amazing! Well written.

Posted by   on (October 11, 2013, 12:48 GMT)

Ha! What a brilliant piece

Posted by bighit14 on (October 11, 2013, 12:20 GMT)

Not funny at all. One of the worst reads :-(

Posted by Ajith_U on (October 11, 2013, 10:17 GMT)

Afridi has already beaten the 100 comebacks.. sorry

Posted by KerneelsMerkII on (October 11, 2013, 9:58 GMT)

I have an alternative, shorter version: makes 50 000-odd runs for England in all formats before retiring.

English media hypes him up so badly that the rest of us cant stomach him. (despite the fact that we plan our weddings around watching him bat. For England. Against anyone.) In England he is officially know as Sachin "Better than Bradman" Tendulkar.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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