November 21, 2013

What we've learned about England from the Australian media

Down Under they've left no stone unturned to tell the world about the horror that is the England cricket team

England's efforts on day one were described as "not so much fielding as savage vandalism" © Getty Images

1) The Brisbane Bungee reports that "Arrogant Kevin Pietersen refused to show his passport at the airport and demanded of immigration officials: 'Don't you know who I am?' before sneering 'Here is my passport, thanks very much, have a nice day buddy.'"

2) At a charity event for underprivileged kids in Brisbane, James Anderson ate all the cakes and drank all the fizzy pop before running around shouting at them and making them cry. Report from the Woolloongabba Witchfinder.

3) A hard-hitting investigative report suggests that Matt Prior may have drunk a glass of tap water during a visit to the Gabba, showing once again a disgusting greed to steal our great country's natural resources. The Sydney Daily Blue has the full story.

4) Citizens of Brisbane were shocked when ego-crazed Ian Bell hired every billboard in the city to post pictures showing him punching a koala in the face. Full shocking exclusive in the Queensland Examiner.

5) Stuart Broad was initially denied entry into the country on suspicion of being involved in war crimes in World War II. Only a personal plea from David Cameron saw the so-called Butcher of Nottingham allowed into Australia, reports ABCBABACAC News.

6) Local clairvoyant Madame Brett Drongo claims that she has spoken to Alastair Cook's spirit in a past life, and that he personally invented the Bubonic Plague and deliberately spread it through Australia. Report in the Australian General of Medicine.

7) "Local priest: Jonathan Trott is the devil" - according to reports in the Brisbane Bishop.

8) "Is this England side responsible for global warming?" The Brizzy Financial Times has an in-depth analysis of how animal-hating Poms including Joe Root have personally sworn to wipe out every polar bear on the face of the planet by 2019, by single-handedly spraying themselves with so much perfumed deodorant that they blow a hole in the ozone layer.

9) Questions are going to be asked in the Australian parliament over the appalling behaviour of England's Steve Finn, who provocatively tweeted, "I am sitting in my hotel room eating sweets but the weather is quite hot." This has been interpreted as a calculated and deliberate assault on the Australian way of life, with many parliamentarians interpreting Finn's disparaging remarks about the weather as a vile slur on the country. Report in the Melbourne Mincer.

10) "We are sick of these Englishmen coming over here and dominating our newspapers" - exclusive to all front pages, TV channels and radio programmes.

Read an extract from Alan's new book Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects, here