Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

A dastardly conspiracy

What links alien abductions, the JFK killing, Elvis and, er, Kamran Akmal?

Alan Tyers

Comments: 28 | Text size: A | A
Elvis Presley
Elvis admits to eager fans that thinking of ways to destabilise the PCB was the subject of "Always on My Mind" © Getty Images

Ijaz Butt methodically searched the office. He opened cupboards. He peered behind curtains. He looked under the desk.

"Seems to be clear," he said. "No ICC agents."

"Erm, no sir," said a PCB aide. "Still no agents. Shall we get down to business?"

Butt froze. He gestured to a large pot plant.

"What is it, sir?" said the aide.

"Shhh," whispered Butt. "I have reason to believe that Giles Clarke may have smuggled himself into our offices disguised as a yukka plant."

Stealthily he approached the pot plant. He kicked it. It fell over. Giles Clarke did not fall out.

"Clever," said Butt. "A decoy."

He sat down at the desk, and put on a large hat made of tin foil.

"They're everywhere," he explained. "Listening. Watching me. It has been going on for years. Did you know, they had JFK shot and tried to hang it on Pakistan cricket?"

"That was Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't it, sir?"

"Lee Harvey Singh Kapil Dev Ramsbottom-Smythe Oswald," said Butt. "He was a plant, a joint project by the Indians and the English - assassinating the president with the sole aim of discrediting PCB. I tried to tell them but nobody believed me. Not even Oliver Stone."

"Sir," said the aide. "We need to stay in the present. We are in the middle of a crisis."

"Have ICC been up to their old tricks with crop circles again?"


"Let me guess: Elvis is alive and well and working for an august cricketing body with the ultimate goal of slandering PCB's good name?"

"No, sir."

"Has Kamran Akmal been abducted by aliens in cahoots with our enemies at ICC?"


"Did they do experiments on his bottom with probes?"

"Sir, please, no. Kamran has not been abducted by aliens, Indian or otherwise. His posterior remains inviolate. There are no crop circles relevant to the current situation. Elvis is not alive and working as a cricket administrator."

"Of course," said Butt. "There must have been a second BCCI dignitary up on the grassy knoll."

"Sir, what are we going to say about the latest scandal?"

"Haroon Lorgat is behind it," said Butt. "I knew it. He was working for internal affairs all along. There is only one thing for it. Prepare another press statement: that will calm the situation down."

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Posted by Syed on (September 21, 2010, 7:05 GMT)

alan, you've missed the whole point here, the real conspirator is actually ijaz butt; with the 'fixing' allegations against the english players, he actually managed to put the poor englishmen under so much 'distress' that they succumbed to this second string pakistani team in the 4th ODI as well. a real mastermind

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 21, 2010, 5:52 GMT)

For the first time in a long time, ejaz butt and PCB had a genuine complaint against the ICC. But what he said in his defense made him a laughing stock.

Hence instead of satire being written about the stupidity of ICC, this article is about Ejaz butt.

Posted by James on (September 20, 2010, 23:53 GMT)

The point which has been missed by fans congratulating Butt on his counter attack is that neither the ECB or the England players have accused Pakistan of anything, in fact the ECB has gone out of its way to help Pakistan in the recent past. The tabloids are the problem and Ijaz Butt (and some of the fans) seem unable to tell the difference between them and the England team. Anyone who thinks the ECB has any control about what the tabloids print is very wrong as the tabloids are far more powerful than the ECB. There is no conspiracy, the News of the World have just realised Pakistan are a soft target for their tricks (the same secret filming trick has been used on a number of British MPs and celebrities) and now the Sun wants in on the action since they smell blood in the water. The motivation is to sell papers not to bring down Pakistan, the tabloids don't even care about PCB or even cricket in general. The PCB is a soft target since it is run by idiots such as Butt.

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 20, 2010, 21:29 GMT)

Pakistan just won the fourth ODI. I am amazed there are no allegations of spot fixing now.

Posted by Wanderer on (September 20, 2010, 20:32 GMT)

Pakistan just won. That was obviously pre-planned. All the wides and extras have netted Wall Street $1.6 Trillion who bet government money on it. The pace bowlers obviously bowled poorly in the first ten just to make a game of it, so Wall Street Bookies could make some money now that the stock market is effectively a rigged joke. I suppose Good old honest no cheating English bowlers dishing up dirty pitched up rubbish to Razzaq was obviously just accidental. I mean what else could explain bowling it in areas to a man world reknowned for smashing pitched up fast bowling out of the ground. They were either stupid or incompetent. What's the verdict?

Posted by Srikar on (September 20, 2010, 19:56 GMT)

Ijaz Butt in a tin foil hat! Priceless! Clearly he's worked hard to receive that prize. Just the other day, when the PCB pronounced that it was unaware that Aamir was turning into an ICC informant as part of some plea bargain, I wondered as to the nature of the next asinine comment out of Butt's mouth. He exceeded all expectations with his latest utterance when he accused the English of fixing the Oval match. He deserves every bit of ridicule coming his way. After all he's singlehandedly made Pakistani cricket the laughing stock of the entire cricketing fraternity.

Posted by Sanjay on (September 20, 2010, 19:00 GMT)

Funny stuff. I think Ijaz Butt is basically trying to save himself and his men in PCB because of the whole spot fixing controversy. He is coming up with these ridiculous conspiracy theories just to play up this whole 'us against them' to get support from all quarters in Pakistan. When this whole thing first broke out, I thought it wouldnt be too long before Pakistanis start blaming BCCI and ICC for the whole mess. Lo and behold, here we are. You cant go too wrong when you predict things about Pakistan. Just like you can predict some Pakistan cricketer will get back into the team a few weeks after he gets a 'life ban' .

Posted by Praveen on (September 20, 2010, 18:43 GMT)

lolz...wat apt description of pcb and their boss...instead of cleaning their house...they r busy in mud slinging...y cant these guys think abt the game for god sake...

Posted by K. on (September 20, 2010, 17:56 GMT)

Hey Alan, it is a funny bunny this article. World cricket is going through so much right now, that such articles of laughter (for those who understand it) are brilliant. We Love Cricket!

Posted by Ali on (September 20, 2010, 17:51 GMT)

Hmm... I don't have any concern with the contents of this article, I agree PCB is rotted, top down. Needs a complete overhaul, no one will argue that.

But this is a really unfunny article. and those who find it funny, purely on an aesthetic basis, have a real low bar on comedy. sorry bro. i just hope the bar isn't as low on the ladies.

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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