Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes
Ijaz Butt methodically searched the office. He opened cupboards. He peered behind curtains. He looked under the desk.
"Seems to be clear," he said. "No ICC agents."
"Erm, no sir," said a PCB aide. "Still no agents. Shall we get down to business?"
Butt froze. He gestured to a large pot plant.
"What is it, sir?" said the aide.
"Shhh," whispered Butt. "I have reason to believe that Giles Clarke may have smuggled himself into our offices disguised as a yukka plant."
Stealthily he approached the pot plant. He kicked it. It fell over. Giles Clarke did not fall out.
"Clever," said Butt. "A decoy."
He sat down at the desk, and put on a large hat made of tin foil.
"They're everywhere," he explained. "Listening. Watching me. It has been going on for years. Did you know, they had JFK shot and tried to hang it on Pakistan cricket?"
"That was Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't it, sir?"
"Lee Harvey Singh Kapil Dev Ramsbottom-Smythe Oswald," said Butt. "He was a plant, a joint project by the Indians and the English - assassinating the president with the sole aim of discrediting PCB. I tried to tell them but nobody believed me. Not even Oliver Stone."
"Sir," said the aide. "We need to stay in the present. We are in the middle of a crisis."
"Have ICC been up to their old tricks with crop circles again?"
"Let me guess: Elvis is alive and well and working for an august cricketing body with the ultimate goal of slandering PCB's good name?"
"Has Kamran Akmal been abducted by aliens in cahoots with our enemies at ICC?"
"Did they do experiments on his bottom with probes?"
"Sir, please, no. Kamran has not been abducted by aliens, Indian or otherwise. His posterior remains inviolate. There are no crop circles relevant to the current situation. Elvis is not alive and working as a cricket administrator."
"Of course," said Butt. "There must have been a second BCCI dignitary up on the grassy knoll."
"Sir, what are we going to say about the latest scandal?"
"Haroon Lorgat is behind it," said Butt. "I knew it. He was working for internal affairs all along. There is only one thing for it. Prepare another press statement: that will calm the situation down."
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