The Heavy Ball

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England decide to get more Australian

The team's think tank has realised they have slipped in not imitating the old enemy, and planned to make amends

Alex Bowden

Comments: 10 | Text size: A | A
Andy Flower discusses England's heavy defeat, Perth, December 20, 2010
"... and we also have a system of fines for players who refer to women as anything other than 'sheilas'" © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Andy Flower | Andrew Strauss
Teams: England

Andy Flower and Andrew Strauss sit at a table with a third man who we do not recognise

Flower: All this talk of series victories and being on the verge of becoming world No. 1 - it worries me. We're getting ahead of ourselves. We've taken our eyes off the ball.

Strauss: You mean like Suresh Raina with short-pitched bowling?

Flower: No, I mean it metaphorically. We're losing focus. I worry we're not doing the things that England sides have traditionally done.

Strauss: Like what?

Flower: Well, specifically, I worry that we're not copying everything Australia do.

Strauss: Great Scott! You're right.

Flower: This is Ian. He's an analyst and strategist.

Ian: A stratalygenist.

Flower: Er, a stratalygenist, and I've asked him to analyse what Australia are doing and come up with a strategy for us. What have you got, Ian? What's going on with Australian cricket?

Ian: Well, first of all, they've found another Warne.

Strauss: Another Warne?

Ian: Yep. A guy called Nathan Lyon. He's come from nowhere.

Flower: You see what's happening. They've been doing this again and again. We pride ourselves on having strength in depth with our pace bowling, but how many Warnes have the Aussies blooded since the original?

Strauss: It must be six or seven.

Flower: Six or seven Warnes.

Ian: And they're all still playing. Real strength in depth.

Flower: Well, real mediocrity in depth anyway.

Ian: Meanwhile, we've been playing Graeme Swann the whole time.

Strauss: We're wasting Test experience.

Ian: Too right. What we need to do is find - what's the English equivalent of Shane Warne?

Strauss: Er, John Emburey maybe?

Ian: John Emburey. We need to find six or seven Embureys as quickly as we can and get each of them very limited international experience.

Flower: Okay, we can do that.

Ian: And then we need to drop each of them. That keeps them keen. Keeps them hungry.

Strauss: It doesn't undermine them at all?

Ian: No, it keeps them hungry.

Flower: Great. What else?

Ian: Well, they have dropped a reliable opener in favour of a younger player who's been found out a bit in the past.

Strauss: That's me. We should drop me.

Flower: But we haven't got someone who fits the description to replace you.

Strauss: Hmm, you're right. So what do we do?

Ian: Well, another thing that the Aussies have been doing recently has been picking names out of a hat at selection meetings.

Flower: So we try and find someone promising who doesn't necessarily stand out from the pack?

Ian: No, you've misunderstood. We pick a name out of a hat. The Aussies are literally picking names out of a hat.

Flower: Okay, that's easy. Anything else?

Ian: One more thing. Twenty20. As part of their bid to rebuild their Test side, Australia are putting more and more emphasis on their Twenty20 competition, the Big Bash, at the expense of first-class cricket.

Strauss: Hey, wait a minute. Now they're copying us.

Flower: And India.

Strauss: Who are we supposed to be copying now? Australia? India? Ourselves?

RSS FeedAlex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 10 
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Posted by Terry on (August 6, 2011, 8:54 GMT)

You should know that the Aust selectors are beyond parody. Nice try but :-)

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 6, 2011, 2:13 GMT)

hhahaha....nice 1 !! but truthfully englands become a gud teamm now !!! betta then the present australia !!

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 5, 2011, 18:08 GMT)

Who are we supposed to be copying now? Australia? India? Ourselves? lol really funny

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 5, 2011, 10:34 GMT)

Flower: let's really copy Australia, and take a promising all rounder, and turn him into a test opener - Broady, top of the order.

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 5, 2011, 10:23 GMT)

Haha perfect! Hit the nail on the head with this one. love it.

Posted by Sakthi on (August 5, 2011, 10:13 GMT)

English should do only have their own players like Srilanka, India and Pak. Why you buy players. Funny.

Posted by Johnathon on (August 5, 2011, 8:33 GMT)

Emburey as Warne?!?!?! Please! Even Jayasuriya is a better bowler than Emburey

Posted by Tim on (August 5, 2011, 7:38 GMT)

Australia have been copying England for the last 4 years, even to the point of copying England's attempts to copy Australia.

Posted by Andy on (August 5, 2011, 7:37 GMT)

Flower: But we haven't got someone who fits the description to replace you.

Strauss: Hmm, you're right. So what do we do?


Posted by sachit on (August 5, 2011, 7:37 GMT)

Who are we supposed to be copying now? Australia? India? Ourselves? LOL

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