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Corridor of uncertainty endangered

And other suchlike delightful revelations in this week's round-up of the weird and wonderful

R Rajkumar

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Shahid Afridi speaks to reporters after getting into a scuffle at the airport, Karachi, March 23, 2012
"...But if anyone starts punning about me being a goose, I swear I'll quit" © Associated Press
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Players/Officials: Chris Gayle | Shahid Afridi | Sohail Tanvir

Tanvir flops at social dance event
Pakistan weird-arm fast bowler Sohail Tanvir embarrassed himself at a social function held for the touring team in Colombo recently, by constantly stepping on the toes of his dance partner, one Ms Shirali Karunatilaka. "It was terrible," said the distressed woman. "We were trying to slow-dance, but there was just no rhythm. Something was off. It was like he was leading with the wrong foot or something…"

Gayle mourns loss of father figure
Many in the West Indies team are mourning the jailing of Texas kajillionaire Allen Stanford for fraud. "He was like the sugar daddy I never had," said an emotional Chris Gayle on Father's Day. "You have to understand that as a kid growing up in the rough-and-tumble streets of Jamaica, there was no one I had to look up to who was holding out a platter of an easy million in cold, hard cash," explained Gayle. "A lot of kids in the Caribbean grow up without the kinds of opportunities I have been lucky enough to have. And by God, I have Mr Stanford to thank for that."

Corridor of uncertainty disappearing, warn scientists
The corridor of uncertainty, a fabled and endangered strip of pitch located somewhere around the batsman's off stump, is in danger of being lost altogether, warn concerned scientists. "The advent of T20 and the constant tinkering with the rules to endlessly suit batsmen over bowlers are chiefly responsible for this environmental and mental disaster," said a researcher from the ubiquitous University of Western Australia.

"Used to be a time when the corridor was home to an almost mythical power that just, like, totally mystified batsmen, bro," added a hippie, who is just one stoner voice in a growing movement of pitch-huggers who can be seen "occupying" pitches around the world in protest. "Not anymore, though. And the fear is that if things are left to continue, the very balance of nature on a cricket field is at stake. Can you deal with that, man? The time has come to ask ourselves just what kind of a world we want to leave behind for our children."

Some experts say it is already too late and that the corridor will melt away entirely. Should that happen, they warn, the sheer predictability of pitches will mean more runs, eventually spelling the doom of one of our planet's crucial species - fast bowlers.

The Blame IPL app
The IPL can now be blamed for pretty much anything you feel like blaming it for. Seeking to expand and simplify the process from a) encountering a problem to b) laying blame on the IPL, the BCCI has announced a practical scheme whereby anyone can blame the IPL for anything. Simply download an application form from the BCCI website and let the blame games begin!*

"I caught my wife cheating on me," said one man in a testimonial video. "Our family was about to break and my life lose all meaning. But luckily, I was able to register my case on the website, and five minutes later, receive official permission to blame the IPL. Well, you can see the results for yourself," he said, clasping the hand of his sulking wife. "Thanks IPL!" chanted the family in unison.

* All applications are approved, but for a small fee

Afridi worth millions in golden duck eggs
Shahid Afridi was recently valued by Forbes magazine as the richest cricketer in terms of golden duck eggs alone. Afridi, who recently added to his enviable collection, said he owed his fortune to sheer hard work. "Acquiring golden ducks isn't as easy as it looks. Each egg takes a lot out of you physically, especially when laid, and there is the constant threat of being axed from the team for your [grunting] efforts."

Afridi revealed that if he amasses enough golden ducks, he will be able to lay his ultimate dream egg: the Fabergé.

Dr Ernest Despaire staying strong despite Gayle comeback pretty much ruining his life
West Indies CEO Dr Ernest Despaire has revealed that though he'd been feeling "pretty low" in the weeks leading up to Chris Gayle's inevitable comeback to the West Indies team, he'd at least managed to find some succour in the batsman getting injured and missing the first ODI. "It's the small things in life that keep you going in your darkest hour," he said philosophically, "namely, the one in which you realise your grip on taking West Indies cricket hostage is being unfairly compromised."

R Rajkumar tweets here

All quotes and some "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 3 
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Posted by Sumeet on (June 21, 2012, 4:46 GMT)

Good one Rajkumar....keep it up! The caption for Afridi is probably worth millions alone and the blame IPL was great!

Posted by Praveen on (June 20, 2012, 17:49 GMT)

Meh! I tried hard to laugh, but, couldnt.

Posted by Dummy4 on (June 20, 2012, 14:40 GMT)

If Afridi is worth millions, then is Hafeez worth billions?

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