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What cricketers want

Sometimes even players need to advertise in the classifieds

Samantha Pendergrast

Comments: 9 | Text size: A | A
David Hasselhoff dressed as Captain Hook, London, December 9, 2010
Peter Pan's arch nemesis: now doubles up as a batting coach


  • Urgently need language coach to help learn celebratory words that don't get bleeped on television and to unlearn sign language. Must have a degree in anger management as well. Mothers and sisters needn't apply.

  • Looking for a new hairdresser before the World Twenty20. Must have a vivid imagination, love colours, be a volume expert and have experience working with curls. Any idea to do with clown wigs will be rejected.

  • Need emergency supplies of baked beans, fried chicken, mutton pies, pizza and several tubs of ice-cream. Must be camouflaged in lettuce leaves and marked as "organic, low-cholesterol, no fat, vegan produce".

  • Seeking application to apprentice with Captain Hook to learn how to put away those pesky short ones forever. Note: already affiliated with Super Kings, so cannot take to piracy full-time.

  • Looking for houses in Bangalore, Sydney, Barisal and Bulawayo to rent from October to April. Must have pool, bar, discotheque and casino attached. Willing to negotiate exchange with blessed house in Kingston with all the trimmings.

Lonely hearts

  • Lanky quick looking for a partner who won't tell him to be more like Zaheer Khan.
    Likes: hairbands and high ceilings

  • Big fella looking for someone who doesn't mind being the punching bag in a relationship.
    Likes: tequila, gardens and window-shopping
    Dislikes: bathroom locks, curfews and diets

  • Gorgeous Pathan boy looking for a companion to support him when he retires.
    Likes: Posturing, and Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre
    Dislikes: Fat old geezers who think they are in charge

For sale

  • T-shirt slogans written. Limited experience but received a lot of publicity for maiden catchphrase. USP: iconoclasm.

  • Used cricket jerseys. Blue and red, stained with success and reeking of awesomeness. Fits South Africans best.

  • Financial services for cricket boards looking to hit the goldmine. Can provide advice via letters. Face-to-face meetings possible as long as they're conducted on the phone. Also available: one used helicopter.


A month's worth of cricketing itinerary urgently needs to be found from somewhere. Losing millions in TV rights; players complaining of unknown ailments such as "relaxation" and "breathing space". Suspect itinerary stolen by Pakistan (proof: their ongoing series against Sri Lanka).

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Comments: 9 
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Comments have now been closed for this article

Posted by em on (July 6, 2012, 4:18 GMT)

ha ha ha this article is funny, could have included more Indian players and a second reference to the BCCI as well.

Posted by Cricinfo on (July 3, 2012, 14:48 GMT)

Thanks for the comments. And good guesses, especially by yoohoo and Noman_Yousuf_Dandore, who attempted them all.

Here's the list: Virat Kohli, Lasith Malinga, Shane Warne, Suresh Raina, Chris Gayle; Ishant Sharma, Jesse Ryder, Shahid Afridi; Denesh Ramdin, Kevin Pietersen, Allen Stanford; and the BCCI which has given the Indian players more than a month's break.

Posted by Noman on (July 3, 2012, 13:39 GMT)

Hahahaha!That's pretty hilarious! Here are my guesses: Wanted - Virat Kohli, Malinga, Samit Patel, Suresh Raina, Chris Gayle Lonely Hearts - Ishant Sharma, Jesse Ryder, Shahid Afridi For Sale - Dinesh Ramadin, Kevin Pietersen, Lalit Modi! Cheers!

Posted by Brij on (July 3, 2012, 12:22 GMT)

The 3rd one is Shane Warne who likes baked beans and all tht stuff...

Posted by Patrick on (July 3, 2012, 11:54 GMT)

The second-hand helicopter salesman is Alan Stanford

Posted by Sreekanth on (July 3, 2012, 10:09 GMT)

Wanted - Virat Kohli, Malinga, Greg Chappel (?), Suresh Raina, Chris Gayle Lonely Hearts - Ishant Sharma, Andrew Symonds, Shahid Afridi For Sale - Dinesh Ramadin, Kevin Pietersen, Lalit Modi Missing - N Srinivanan (?)

Posted by Shounak on (July 3, 2012, 9:07 GMT)

Kohli Malinga Greg chappell????? Raina Gayle :D :D :D

Ishant Symonds Afridi

dunno Pietersen Dhoni

Posted by Dummy4 on (July 3, 2012, 8:38 GMT)

hmm. i could only guess shahid afridi and suresh raina I think the second one is malinga. The second in "for sale" might be kevin pietersen First looks to be kohli.

Posted by Rakesh on (July 3, 2012, 7:25 GMT)

The pathan boy also likes to retire a lot. lol.

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