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This, that and the other. Mostly the other
Fortunately, there's no need to sit through the lengthy post-mortem that will be carried out by presenters and ex-cricketers. Simply consult The Lazy Pundit's Guide to Why Your Team Lost. Print it out, run your finger down the page until you reach your team's name and then read the explanation for the travesty you've just witnessed. This will save you a great deal of time, which can now be spent disseminating your new expert knowledge via the comments sections of various cricket websites.
They just weren't tough enough. It's not like the old days. This team just isn't hard-nosed, aggressive or Australian enough. They don't need to be any more talented. They just need to be angrier. Bring back Lillee and Thommo.
It was almost certainly the IPL. Not enough players are appearing in it and too many players want to appear in it. Secondly, they were over-confident because they were the reigning champions, but simultaneously lacked confidence following a summer of major setbacks. It might also have been something to do with playing spin and Sri Lankan weather and conditions. Also, Craig Kieswetter. Bring back KP.
It was almost certainly the IPL. Since its arrival, the players have grown spoilt and lazy. There are too many foreigners carrying out key roles in IPL matches, but there are also too many mediocre Indian players making life easy for the better players. The overall standard of the tournament is low, but it is also so intense that no one has any energy left, even though it finished months ago. Other than that, India's fielding was bad. Oh, and Sachin Tendulkar wasn't playing. Bring back Sachin.
Some say that being a team that is more than the sum of its parts is a good thing when you're playing a team sport, but those people are flat-out wrong. New Zealand lost because they lacked individual brilliance. The players who appeared to deliver exceptional individual performances were actually just contributing to the team being more than the sum of its parts. As has previously been established, this is not the way to win games of cricket. Bring back Chris Harris.
If only they could be more consistent. They're so mercurial. If it had been their day, they would have won. But it wasn't their day. It was the opposition's day. Unfortunately there's nothing that could have been done about it. The team has no control over whose day it is. Bring back whoever wasn't playing today.
They choked. A narrow defeat? A choke. A massive thrashing? Again, clearly a choke. Any kind of defeat whatsoever, against any opposition, at any stage of the competition - choke.
They still haven't managed to replace Murali. They also missed Sanath Jayasuriya. And some other middle-aged men who have retired from cricket and therefore aren't in any way relevant.
It was due to a combination of greed, lack of professionalism, sponsorship rows, the West Indies Cricket Board, the West Indies Players Association, Chris Gayle, rivalry between islands, lack of respect for the past, and basketball. Also Darren Sammy.
Finally, in the event that your team records an upset…
You can be sure that they'll track down some of the black stuff tonight and they'll be enjoying the craic until the early hours. They probably did the same last night. That's how they won. That combined with the luck of the Irish and absolutely nothing to do with hard work and dedication.
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket
All quotes and "facts" here are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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