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Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem

Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem

Alan Tyers

Comments: 43 | Text size: A | A
Stuart Broad was among the England bowlers to suffer, England v India, World Twenty20, Group A, Colombo
On top of everything else, the defeat messed up Stuart Broad's coiffure © Getty Images
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"Gather round, lads," said Stuart Broad. "Let's have a session of positives-taking and then see if we can't concentrate on our momentum."

Reluctantly, players put down their PlayStation controllers and stopped tweeting. Tim Bresnan picked listlessly at a Heinz All-Day Breakfast in a Can, one of 144 that he had brought over from home. The food in these subcontinental countries could be as dodgy as the spinners. The chef in the hotel hadn't even heard of Branston Pickle when he'd asked for some on his king prawn curry yesterday. Bresnan wondered if the bloke was even a real chef at all.

"So where did we go wrong?" asked Broad. "Why did our plan of blocking the first five and then closing our eyes and swinging hard at the sixth one fail to execute despite our focusing and preparationing?"

"It's Kevin Pietersen's fault," said Graeme Swann. There was a murmur of agreement.

"It so totally is," said Steve Finn. "Apparently Kevin's cousin is seeing this girl who knows a boy who was talking to this girl in Nando's, and she like said, 'Oh my God, Kevin thinks that we are all really bad at playing spin', and apparently Kevin said that Morgs was, like, a really massive slag, and he probably, like, told Harbhajan how to bowl us out by talking to him on Facebook."

"I am totally going to defriend him on Facebook," said Bresnan.

"Seriously, like me too?" said Broad. "Like, to show leadership?"

"And he totally said that Samit was fat," said Finn.

Samit Patel waved a chicken leg around angrily.

"As official team banterologist I can definitely say that Kevin's bants went beyond the acceptable level of bants on recent occasions," said Swann. "We're better off without him in all three key departments of top-level cricket: Twitter, team spirit and banter."

"The important thing, though, is that now we are all united as one and the spirit in the dressing room among the lads couldn't be better," said Broad.

"Although we do keep losing all the cricket matches," said Patel.

Broad shook his head sadly. Sometimes he wondered if Samit really got the whole team-spirit thing at all. Perhaps it was time for some tactical tweeting, which he would obviously have nothing to do with whatsoever.

RSS FeedAlan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 43 
Posted by Adeel9 on (September 26, 2012, 18:38 GMT)

This article was like, totally spot on. Like, nailed it!

Posted by alexus1318 on (September 26, 2012, 11:06 GMT)

as an england fan i desperately hope that stateside steve is correct but i feel about 99.998% sure he is wrong haha

nice article

Posted by RJ1995 on (September 25, 2012, 7:47 GMT)

@Stateside_Steve you better keep ur xcuses ready for november...................... anyways the article was rather funny and not far from true

Posted by bluefunk on (September 25, 2012, 7:02 GMT)

The self-deprecating Englishman is the best sort of Englishman. Looking forward to hosting you all this November :)

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 5:40 GMT)

Hilarious! :D cudnt stop laughing!!

Posted by MasterClass on (September 25, 2012, 4:20 GMT)

This is s hilarious and not too far from the truth unfortunately! LOL.

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 4:15 GMT)

the comment from MR.Stateside_Steve is more hilarious than the entire article. :)

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 3:58 GMT)

stuart is still a young lad i believe kp should be england t20 captain and england can try Azhar Mehmood because he can give more strength to enlish team

Posted by   on (September 25, 2012, 3:24 GMT)

totally agreed..its all KP's fault..lol

Posted by Sunman81 on (September 25, 2012, 3:14 GMT)

Why Andy Flower didn't participate in this discussion? :-)

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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