The Heavy Ball
Stumpy v Batty, and the PM's intervention
The BCCI reveals the logic behind the naming of the World Cup mascot, and unveils its new behaviour coaches
Anand Ramachandran
05-Aug-2010
When the ICC revealed the elephant "Stumpy" as the mascot for the 2011 Cricket World Cup, the public reacted with what can only be described as "the opposite of unbridled excitement". However, the ICC has been quick to defend its choice, insisting that Stumpy is the ideal mascot for the occasion.
Speaking to the press, CWC director Ratnakar Shetty said, "The elephant has been chosen since it is an iconic animal that truly represents cricket in the subcontinent. It's a lumbering, inflexible and inconveniently powerful beast, just like the BCCI. It doesn't bite and shows absolutely no signs of bouncing, just like the SSC wicket. It does not even remotely resemble the Bengal Tiger, just like the Bangladesh cricket team. It's a perfect symbol for a tournament hosted by these three great cricketing nations."
Shetty also defended the widely panned choice of name. "The name Stumpy was chosen after lengthy deliberations by a panel of creative experts, including professionals from the advertising and marketing fields, and, for some reason, Ravi Shastri, who seems to be on every single panel and committee constituted by the BCCI. We carefully considered and rejected many outstanding alternatives - including "Pitchy" (mildly obscene), "Batty" (insanity connotation), "Bally" (hoo), "Paddy" (too Irish) and "Abdomen Guardy" (rhymes with Michael Yardy)."
Full postPunter's brain sprain, Shahid's cunning stunt
A spate of cerebral injuries has affected cricketers around the world. But Afridi's retirement has nothing to do with one of those
Anand Ramachandran
27-Jul-2010
Australian skipper Ricky Ponting has been ruled out of the upcoming series against India due to an injury to his cerebral cortex, sustained during the toss at the beginning of the recently concluded second Test at Headingley. According to reports, the huge mental effort involved in going against all cricketing logic, past experience and common sense, to wrench his mind away from the decision to bowl first has resulted in Ponting's frontal lobe collapsing from the strain.
"Yeah, making the decision to bat against the Pakistan pace attack on a wicket that Mike Hussey described as 'having branches growing out of it' took its toll on poor Punter - he's gone and busted his frontal lobe as a result," said team physio Alex Kontouris, breaking the bad news to reporters. "In addition to the niggles he's already carrying on his hippocampus and amygdala, it's probably going to keep him out for three months at least. Kontouris also clarified that the Australian captain has been put on a recovery and rehabilitation program to get him fit in time for the Ashes in November - many gruelling weeks of solving Sudoku puzzles, playing chess, and trying to make sense of baffling statements made by NS Sidhu.
Rather alarmingly, Ponting isn't the only cricketer to suffer an injury to the brain in recent times. India's VVS Laman reportedly sprained his corpus callosum when the two hemispheres of his brain indulged in a fierce tug of war as he was in the process of hitting an innocuous bouncer from Lasith Malinga straight down deep midwicket's throat during the first innings of the Galle Test. Several Pakistani batsmen are nursing sore hippocampi, brought on by horrific memories of being dismissed by Marcus North.
Full postOne day in the Pakistan strategy room
Who says Waqar's boys don't plan? They plan all right
Alex Bowden
23-Jul-2010
From the outside, it might look like Pakistan reel around without direction. In reality they make very specific plans, as this transcript of a team meeting prior to their visit to England reveals.
Waqar Younis: "Okay, we've got a lot of international cricket coming up in the next few months. Let's make a plan. Kamran - you take notes."
Kamran Akmal picks up a pad of paper successfully, but the pen gets away from him and flies end-over-end into the middle of the room. Waqar sighs softly, picks it up and hands it back to him gently.
Full postBorn to be wild
Give it up for Brit-Pakistani supporters, those unfathomable loonies with the sculpted hair, crazy dancing and aromatic lunch boxes
Imran Yusuf
13-Jul-2010
This summer, Pakistan cricket has found temporary residence in England, like a visiting professor or a touring troupe, if you like, or alternatively, like an asylum seeker or a filthy squatter, which I don't like. Either way, Pakistan are very grateful to their generous hosts, and promise to be perfect guests. This is why I can safely say, without the aid of an eight-limbed German mollusc, that Pakistan will lose to England in the four-Test series later in the summer. It would only be polite; it is match-fixing at its most noble. Pakistan cricket: putting the "gentleman" back in "gentleman's game".
As for the Australia series, one expects the Pakistanis to compete with the ball, capitulate with the bat, and absolutely slaughter the Aussies in the one area that'll really hurt them: supporting the team.
Australians are proud of their skills as supporters. They drink voluminously, heckle viciously, sway and swing vigorously, and often don fancy-dress that would be deemed too outrageous even for an 80s transvestite night. But they do win a lot, which must help with all this fun and frolic. It's no sweat putting on a fake Merv Hughes moustache and a kangaroo costume and looking like a plonker when your team are 500 for 2. You're a less inhibited dancer when the opposition loses seven wickets in a session. It's easy to sing when you're winning.
Full postWild Boers? Has a ring, doesn't it?
Now that England are world beaters, the ECB should consider rebranding the team. What would you call them?
Daniel Norcross
09-Jul-2010
It's a funny old thing, branding. No sane person in the world reacts to the news that Andersen Consulting is now called Arraviva (or whatever it is) by slapping their hand on their face and saying: "Genius. Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? The first thing I'm doing tomorrow is calling Arrafisticuffs to arrange a full 360-degree reappraisal of our current business methodology."
You either need a pompous bell-end who can't be fired wandering round your company, suspiciously peeking from behind a clipboard and MicroPod, before announcing the only thing wrong is the staff - but curiously never the chief executive who hired him - or you don't.
Controversially, I can see why Marathon became Snickers. I also understand why political parties need rebranding every five years to escape the cycle of shame and incompetence. But I really can't get why they would try to sex up financial services.
Full postThe wedding of the season (also starring Suresh Kalmadi)
Did MS Dhoni really think he could get away with getting married?
Anand Ramachandran
06-Jul-2010
Even as news of MS Dhoni's wedding has taken the Indian media by surprise, the BCCI has put a dampener on the situation by declaring the wedding as unofficial and has banned the Indian captain from all future weddings.
"Dhoni has gone ahead and participated in this unofficial wedding without informing the BCCI. We have no hesitation in banning any player who takes part in such rebel weddings, which are not recognised by the BCCI. I'm afraid MS Dhoni will not be permitted to be the groom at any weddings hereafter - whether domestic or international," said BCCI president Shashank Manohar, ably demonstrating that while Lalit Modi may be persona non grata in the BCCI, his spirit lives on in the board's delightful processes and policies. Manohar also clarified that Suresh Raina, RP Singh and HS Plaha will be banned from marrying anyone in future - leaving only each other as prospective partners. Not cool.
Dhoni, however, was predictably unruffled and calm. Speaking to reporters after the wedding, he demonstrated his world-famous mic-hogging skills by pouring forth a plethora of painful and pedestrian platitudes. When asked about his honeymoon plans, he said, "Well, definitely. If we go to New Zealand then the conditions may be quite difficult. But if we choose England, conditions will be ideal for swing. But of course, everyone knows that the conditions aren't important, it's only performance that matters."
Full postA monster named Shoaib
Why do we love Mr Akhtar despite everything? Because he is us, people, he is us
Imran Yusuf
25-Jun-2010
Cricket fans need to learn to stop worrying and just love the bomb that is Shoaib Akhtar.
For a start, he is clearly never going away. Like with the pitiful Mike Atherton facing Glenn McGrath and the clueless Daryll Cullinan facing
Shane Warne, all resistance is futile. But there is also something else: we must be honest about our feelings. We need the guy.
Look at
the last Pakistan v India match. Who else could have brought the best out of Harbhajan Singh and elevated a Punjabi cussing contest into a dialogue of such incandescent beauty it is up there with the great lyric poems of all time?
Full postSex and cricket, and India's fittest squad
Nookie before games - good or bad? Andy Flower has the answer. And more
Anand Ramachandran
24-Jun-2010
While England's football coach, Fabio Capello, follows a strict disciplinarian approach, banning the England WAGs from travelling with the team in South Africa, cricket team coach Andy Flower has stated that he will not be following suit.
"I have absolutely no problems with the football team WAGs travelling with my boys during the Ashes. Alex Curran, Abbey Clancy and the rest of them are fine ladies, and the ECB has absolutely no objections to their presence with the team during the ongoing tour of Australia," said Flower.
The former Zimbabwe great completely ruled out the possibility that this would affect his team's concentration, and hence hurt their chances of retaining the Ashes.
Full postA very, very important pre-series talk
When England play Australia in any format, there is only one thing to consider
Alex Bowden
20-Jun-2010
The England one-day squad fidget in plastic chairs that are pointing towards the front of the room. They are waiting; nervous. Finally Andrew Strauss enters and addresses them.
"Hello gentlemen. Today I'm going to speak to you all about the most important element of this one-day series. As ever, when playing Australia in one-day cricket, we have one overriding concern: laying down markers for the Ashes. It doesn't matter whether it's a World Cup final or a seven-match series immediately after the last Ashes - it's still all about laying down markers."
Strauss looks over the room to check that this has gone in before continuing.
Full postNever too large for the game
Cricket without fat men is like 007 without his license to kill. Bring Yuvraj back at once
Jarrod Kimber
18-Jun-2010
If all cricketers were like Mike Hussey or AB de Villiers, cricket would be a little samey. Yes, there is a place for the overachieving accountant and the Christian-pop lovers in cricket, but cricket also needs diversity.
One great cricketing diversity has always been seen in waistbands. In normal life someone of WG Grace's girth might have been a laughing stock, but in cricket he was one of the gods. Arjuna Ranatunga might have the body shape of a guy who owns a doughnut emporium in Idaho, but he also has a World Cup. And while Mike Gatting should be abused for being a tad portly, he is instead abused for his reverse sweep.
Yuvraj Singh is one of the best batsmen to watch in world cricket when he's in form. He is ego personified. Yuvraj doesn't just hit the ball, he lets it rebound off his aura. But now he has been dropped after a poor run of form and higher numbers on the scale. It seems unfair. In this world of political correctness gone crazy, a man can be pushed aside just because he enjoys his food and missed a few gym sessions.
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