The Heavy Ball
What Pakistanis can teach the world
More players should follow the example of Javed Miandad, Wasim Akram and Mushtaq Ahmed and offer their talents to those in need. That includes Shoaib Malik helping desperate single men get girls
Imran Yusuf
29-Apr-2010
Pakistan cricket is in the doldrums, but some former players are doing very well for themselves, travelling the world like the old wise wanderers of ancient tales, imparting knowledge and philosophy to the natives while drinking all their tea.
Javed Miandad has been teaching the Chinese how to bat. Wasim Akram has been teaching the Kolkatans how to bowl. Mushtaq Ahmed has been teaching the English how to grow beards.
The effectiveness of their mentoring is somewhat in doubt. I'm yet to hear of a single promising Chinese cricketer, the Kolkata Knight Riders didn't make the IPL semis, and Kevin Pietersen and Jimmy Anderson - despite their clear talent and strenuous efforts - can still only muster a few wisps of boyish bum fluff.
Full postSymmo's snack, a Bhajji boost, and the effigy from hell
Our last round-up of the weird and the wonderful from this year's IPL features replica drummers, hair-grabbing, general grabbing, hideous sunglasses and more
S Aga
26-Apr-2010
The advisory
Worried your children have been exposed to too much blood and gore on television? So is Harsha Bhogle. Concerned at the violence unfolding at the DY Patil ground in the final, courtesy Kieron Pollard, Harsha issued a warning. "Don't put your hand to it" he cautioned the bowler, Albie Morkel, as one flew past his head like the proverbial tracer bullet, "because this is a family channel... the ball would have taken the hand with it."
Worried your children have been exposed to too much blood and gore on television? So is Harsha Bhogle. Concerned at the violence unfolding at the DY Patil ground in the final, courtesy Kieron Pollard, Harsha issued a warning. "Don't put your hand to it" he cautioned the bowler, Albie Morkel, as one flew past his head like the proverbial tracer bullet, "because this is a family channel... the ball would have taken the hand with it."
The interior decorator
Suresh Raina never saw a rug he liked, and this antipathy came to the fore in Chennai's second game against Kolkata, when he seized a fistful of Doug Bollinger's hair and pulled - ostensibly to express delight at the Dougster getting Sourav Ganguly lbw. Surely it was a cunning demo of the efficacy of Advanced Hair Studios, of whom Bolly is a satisfied client, instead? All this japery resulted in a brand-new celebration style in Chennai's next game, when upon taking a wicket Bollinger clutched his head like a sufferer in a migraine-pill advert, the better to guard against the predatory Raina. Oh, those jolly Super Kings.
Suresh Raina never saw a rug he liked, and this antipathy came to the fore in Chennai's second game against Kolkata, when he seized a fistful of Doug Bollinger's hair and pulled - ostensibly to express delight at the Dougster getting Sourav Ganguly lbw. Surely it was a cunning demo of the efficacy of Advanced Hair Studios, of whom Bolly is a satisfied client, instead? All this japery resulted in a brand-new celebration style in Chennai's next game, when upon taking a wicket Bollinger clutched his head like a sufferer in a migraine-pill advert, the better to guard against the predatory Raina. Oh, those jolly Super Kings.
The Fear Factor contender
The hunger to win? You don't know the half of it. Andrew Symonds swallowed a live moth in his delivery stride in the game against Punjab. He then turned around to the camera, flashed a thumbs-up and said, "Australian for pretzels". Well, maybe not that last part, but Michael Kasprowicz did wonder on commentary whether it tasted like vegemite. Oh, those jolly Australians.
Full postThe hunger to win? You don't know the half of it. Andrew Symonds swallowed a live moth in his delivery stride in the game against Punjab. He then turned around to the camera, flashed a thumbs-up and said, "Australian for pretzels". Well, maybe not that last part, but Michael Kasprowicz did wonder on commentary whether it tasted like vegemite. Oh, those jolly Australians.
KKR and Punjab stay positive. And IPL haters want more IPL
There's a lot to look forward to, even if you're bottom of the table
Anand Ramachandran
22-Apr-2010
Now that we're at the business end of the tournament (and hopefully not at the end of the tournament's business), the teams that were eliminated in the league stage are busy licking their wounds, taking stock and preparing for the next season.
Kolkata Knight Riders team owner Shah Rukh Khan admitted that he was disappointed that KKR once again failed to make the knockout stages, but insisted on looking at the positives. Describing the performance as better than last year's, Khan attributed the improvement to a crucial change in the Knight Riders' coaching methods.
"This year, through an initiative with one of our sponsors, we actually gathered coaching advice from random people all over India through SMS. This proved to be a masterstroke, since they gave us pathbreaking new ideas such as 'Bowl a proper line and length', 'Make Ganguly the captain' and 'Don't pick Ishant Sharma.' This input greatly helped our overall performance, as you may have noticed." he said.
Full postHow can the IPL save itself? With folding chairs
Moronic marketing strategies must make way for the genius ones of the greatest sporting body in the world
Sidin Vadukut
21-Apr-2010
If I must admit love for a sport then I admit I love football.
I like cricket. No doubt about that. But drooling, sleep-sacrificing, duplicate-made in Andheri-jersey-buying, team-profile-on-wikipedia-reading devotion is reserved only for football. Only for football will I download pdf instruction manuals for abandoned old VCR players, so that I can record a thrilling World Cup match between Nigeria and Slovenia that transpires while I am in office.
But still there is a fond corner in my heart for cricket. All my life I have tried to seriously play the gentleman's - Lalit Modi's - game. However, things never worked out between us. Eventually I gave up and concentrated on competitive bodybuilding and powerlifting.
Full postThe anti-IPL league
Apparently there's one in the offing, thanks to people who aren't quite enamoured of the IPL (if you can believe such a thing is possible)
Andrew Fernando
18-Apr-2010
You may not have heard, but apparently there is a disgruntled camp of cricket writers in the world who dislike the IPL because of its alleged excessive, bawdy commercialism. Now, I'm not sure who these people are, or what traumatic childhood event turned them into warped, miserable bigots intent on spoiling everybody's fun. But after a little investigation on my wireless-capable Karbonn phone, carried out from my DLF apartment (which, incidentally, I paid for through my Citibank account), I have come to the conclusion that these angry journalists are quite plainly deluded. I, for one, refuse to be fooled by their malicious diatribes against a tournament that is quite obviously the purest expression of the soaring human spirit.
However, despite the fact that this outspoken minority of IPL naysayers has no evidence to support their view, there are several reports that their incessant grizzling has spawned a new rebel league. A retaliatory outlet for players, commentators and administrators who want nothing to do with Lalit Modi's rampant run-fest. An anti-IPL.
Plans are still in their initial stages. However, it is clear that the rebel organisers will make the league as different from the IPL as possible. For one thing, in an attempt to make the tournament as unglamorous as they can, all games are scheduled to be held in New Zealand.
Full postKicking, lip-reading, and the obligatory Sreesanth episode
Shows of petulance, threats of nudity, and a Pakistani in the IPL - all in our look back at the last 10 days of the tournament
S Aga
16-Apr-2010
The moment of madness
Not a patch on Slapgate, but no one's really complaining. The needles busted right off the dial on our sarcasm detectors during one of last week's games when Sreesanth applauded Michael Lumb for having hit a four off him, then turned around to the umpire and applauded him for having no-balled him twice in a row. As we watched like rubberneckers at a car crash, Yuvraj Singh, looking furious, walked up to Sreesanth... and talked cricket's premier crackpot down. Bah.
Not a patch on Slapgate, but no one's really complaining. The needles busted right off the dial on our sarcasm detectors during one of last week's games when Sreesanth applauded Michael Lumb for having hit a four off him, then turned around to the umpire and applauded him for having no-balled him twice in a row. As we watched like rubberneckers at a car crash, Yuvraj Singh, looking furious, walked up to Sreesanth... and talked cricket's premier crackpot down. Bah.
The small mercies
No, Shah Rukh Khan will not dance naked at the IPL closing ceremony if his team wins. SRK, who announced he would dance naked if Kolkata won (insert fat-chance-type witticism here) later announced he wouldn't, he was just joking, the sordid tease. This promptly fried the brains of most of Shahrukh's fan base, who were not used to indulging in the arduous mental work needed to decode such complexities.
No, Shah Rukh Khan will not dance naked at the IPL closing ceremony if his team wins. SRK, who announced he would dance naked if Kolkata won (insert fat-chance-type witticism here) later announced he wouldn't, he was just joking, the sordid tease. This promptly fried the brains of most of Shahrukh's fan base, who were not used to indulging in the arduous mental work needed to decode such complexities.
"Doesn't anybody take a joke anymore," Shah Rukh fumed on Twitter after reports in the press announced he could be taken to court for obscenity, and that even if he didn't intend to actually dance naked, he could be prosecuted under section 415 of the Indian Penal Code for cheating. How, pray? Because Shah Rukh's statement "was on television and hence reached several girls. This makes him liable for prosecution for insulting the modesty of girls". Eh?
Full postThe ICC's cunning plan
Multi-million-dollar research ensures the mistakes of the 2007 World Cup won't be repeated. And more over-the-hill popstars will grace the IPL's closing ceremony
Anand Ramachandran
15-Apr-2010
As the IPL nears its closing stages, and the focus shifts to the upcoming World Twenty20 to be played in the West Indies, ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat has made the stunning announcement that they have made the strategically brilliant decision to avoid repeating the mistakes they made during the previous World Cup played there.
Announcing this cunning plan, Mr Lorgat told reporters that the ICC's detailed research has revealed the unexpected finding that people won't buy tickets if they're too expensive.
"We have spent millions of dollars in a thorough and painstaking research project that has shown us exactly how to conduct an international tournament in the West Indies. Thanks to this initiative, we have unearthed many nuanced, multi-layered strategies that will help the tournament be successful - such as keeping ticket prices down, making good wickets to ensure fair contests, and keeping Steve Bucknor and Jeff Crowe as far away from the general proceedings as possible. Who would have thought it, eh?" he revealed.
Full postThe case of the ordinary canapés
In which the IPL captains attend a group therapy session with Lalit Modi
Andrew Fernando
13-Apr-2010
Lalit Modi, holding a pen and clipboard, is surrounded by Messrs Kumble, Sangakkara, Ganguly, Gilchrist, Warne, Dhoni and Gambhir, all reclining on comfortable sofas in a large room. Sachin Tendulkar is sleeping soundly in a corner. A sign on the door reads "IPL Captains' Group Therapy Session."
Modi: Hello everyone. I've called this session because I know it's that stage of the tournament when everyone is getting a little weary. The scores are getting lower, the fielding is no longer up to the dizzying standards we set at the start of the IPL. I think this is a good time to voice our thoughts to each other and recharge for the semis.
So, who wants to get the ball rolling and tell Papa Lalit what's going on in their teams?
Full postThe IPL gets jokey, Kings XI find a buyer
Did you spot the league's genius April Fools' prank? And could Vince McMahon be buying a stake in a franchise?
Anand Ramachandran
08-Apr-2010
Who says the good folks at the IPL have no sense of humour? Following in the tradition of the famous April Fools' pranks played every year by the Times, the BBC and Google, the IPL has admitted to pulling off the greatest April Fools' joke of all time - the Kolkata Knight Riders' victory against the Deccan Chargers on the - you guessed it - 1st of April.
Apparently the entire match was a carefully planned gag intended to fool millions of TV viewers. Those watching on TV were under the impression that Kolkata won the toss, elected to bat, and posted a strong 181, powered by 88 from Sourav Ganguly and helped by a useful 31 from David Hussey. They then restricted Deccan to 157, aided by some economical bowling by Angelo Mathews, Murali Kartik and Ajit Agarkar (the last one should have been a dead giveaway, but nobody spotted it).
However, what actually happened was much more believable. Ganguly began by hitting three consecutive sixes off Andrew Symonds before retiring hurt due to an itchy toe, and Deccan finally won a thriller when Y Venugopal Rao switched into "Nagarjuna Mode" and took 67 runs off the final over from Agarkar. Kolkata owner Shah Rukh Khan also managed to strike his famous "I'm really upset but I'm still smiling" expression, where he manages to align his eyebrows at an angle of approximately 43 degrees to his eerily twisted upper lip.
Full postParty hearty
What do IPL players get up to at night after the games are over? We present fragments from a cricketer's notebook, which fell into our hands
07-Apr-2010
March 30
9.30pm Settled down to watch some TV before bed. Surprised to see the replay of the Adelaide Test on a show called India Glorious.
9.30pm Settled down to watch some TV before bed. Surprised to see the replay of the Adelaide Test on a show called India Glorious.
(Note to self: Must call and thank the channel. It's a privilege and honour that they still show my innings from seven years ago. Note [2]: Have I lost some hair since?)
I was about to look up my notes on the game when Mark walked into the room wearing a shade of pink the MCC have said they will use on cricket balls.
Full post