The Heavy Ball

The Pakistan Cricket Board has broken new ground once again, announcing that they have slapped a life ban on the lbw rule. Under the ban, the lbw rule will simply cease to exist when Pakistan are batting, greatly reducing the chances that their batsmen will be dismissed cheaply, ensuring higher scores, more victories, and fewer parliamentary inquiries.

"We have realised that, over the years, the lbw rule has caused great harm to Pakistan cricket. In the seventies and eighties, it caused much embarrassment to our umpires. More recently, it has caused the downfall of batsmen such as Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan, since they tend to fall over on the front foot early on in their innings. In fact, this dastardly and idiotic rule has been silently damaging the game of cricket for several years, far more than mere trivialities like ball-tampering, match-fixing and Shoaib Malik," said PCB chairman Ijaz Butt. "So we have no hesitation in implementing a complete and total life ban on the lbw rule with immediate effect. The rule will be banished from all domestic and international cricket involving Pakistan, and will not be allowed to undertake any related activities, such as coaching or commentary," he said angrily.

The ban has been welcomed by several former Pakistani batting stars, except Inzamam-ul-Haq, who would have preferred a ban on the run-out rule. Former great Javed Miandad went so far as to say, "In my playing days, lbw was always banned in Pakistan, only not officially. It was there only in foreign countries. Like Coca-Cola and Falcons Crest."

A few days ago Pakistan's captain Shahid Afridi said that "politics" in the team would not be tolerated. Comrade Shahid should know that cricketers from his land - that patch of earth sandwiched like a thin little sliver of cucumber between the two big chunks of cricketing superpower that are India and Afghanistan - have always been political radicals, revolutionaries, smash-the-system types. We don't just wear the Che Guevara t-shirt, we live the life. (Think of all the beards, and also, at least in Zaheer Abbas' case, of the penchant for cigars).

Now, since Pakistani cricketers are humans (though tests are still being done on Shoaib Akhtar) and therefore political animals, we inevitably squabble and scheme and swear oaths on holy books against team captains. I mean, who doesn't? But in the broader sense, Pakistan cricket is about sticking a middle finger up at politics, at government, at authority. If our team was placed in one of those political-spectrum diagrams I remember from PolSci courses at college, it would occupy the part from libertarianism through to full-fledged Molotov cocktail-flinging anarchism.

Just as taxation is theft, Pakistani cricketers see fielding for the good of the team at large as an unfair infringement on their individual rights. Just as it's the faceless monsters we call governments that send us to war to kill each other, Pakistani cricketers recognise the philosophical integrity of never following orders. The state has no right to tell us what to do; neither does Ijaz Butt. Or, for that matter, the team captain. Or even the batting partner at the other end screaming "Yes, yes, dammit, RUN. I said YES! RUN!" How dare he, the fascist.

With the menace of match-fixing once again rearing its ugly head and spreading its tentacles across India, Pakistan and England, cricket authorities are faced with the stern challenge of ensuring that the sport is kept clean. This time, however, they have responded with an elegant and far-sighted solution that will ensure that the sport is rid of match-fixing once and for all - by simply legalising the entire thing.

"Several countries legalise things such as prostitution, gambling, and even marijuana, so that these activities are brought under government regulation, and become legitimate businesses that generate revenue for the authorities. So we've decided that the way forward is to legalise match-fixing and bring it under ICC rules, so that the sport can be free of this illegal and evil influence," said ICC chief executive Haroon Lorgat, ignoring the shadowy figure with a mobile phone lurking behind him.

To kick off the new initiative, the ICC will organise a world match-fixing championship, in which the finest match-fixing talent from around the globe will battle for supremacy. Teams will first fix matches in a group stage, which will be played in a league format, and then the four best teams (India, Pakistan, England and West Indies) will progress to the semi-finals. In the final India will bat first and score about 250, despite losing both openers within the first three overs. Pakistan, when chasing, will start well, but a clutch of run-outs in the middle order will cost them dearly. Misbah-ul-Haq will remain unbeaten on a fighting 47 as India win by 12 runs. India will then become the first ICC match-fixing world champions, ensuring that the tournament is insanely profitable. The ICC world match-fixing championships will also be the first international sporting tournament where the final result is already known in advance, other than Wimbledon between 2003 and 2007.

England's fantastic win in the ICC World Twenty20 has been received with much euphoria and jubilation, as Paul Collingwood's men ended a 35-year wait for victory in a world limited-overs cricket tournament. Fans all over the country have responded with an outpouring of joy, celebrating on the streets till the wee hours, thumbing their noses in the general direction of Germany, and sending "All Is Forgiven" greeting cards to a bewildered Sven-Goran Eriksson.

"Oh? We won the World Cup? Topping. Who did we beat in the finals? Italy?" asked one fan, whose awareness level clearly paled in comparison to his blood-alcohol level. On learning the awful truth, that his countrymen had merely triumphed in a cricket tournament, he calmed down and resignedly said, "Oh, cricket eh? That explains it - since it's impossible to lose a crucial cricket match on penalties." He then returned to his game of darts, played on a custom Disconsolate Gareth Southgate Edition dartboard.

10am
Gah, I'm up shit creek now. Paddy was looking low after the hotel gym shut early, so I made up a report about overweight cricketers in our side to give him a laugh. He left it in the team meeting room and now it has been leaked to the media. How do I explain this to the board?

2pm
Sat with the boys during lunch to make amends. Asked Piyush if he'd tried the day's special - pigs in a blanket. He burst into tears and ran out of the dining room. What now?

There is no cricketing force so powerful as momentum. For most people "momentum" is all about having impetus from the good times to get you through the hard times. They think that because momentum has such a substantial effect, it must also take a while to build up.

Fortunately, that's not the case. In cricket, momentum can be built up in no time at all. Unfortunately, the flipside is that it can also be lost in no time at all too. But that doesn't really matter. The lack of the one quality that defines momentum isn't really that much of an issue, because, really, it's just a word that you say in press conferences to pass the time.

How easy is it to gain momentum?
It's pretty damn easy. In the World Twenty20, England were claiming to have gained momentum after a loss, a no-result and then a win. Subsequent wins must have put their momentum off the chart. Successive wins are pretty much unprecedented in the world of momentum.

Even the most charitable among us would have to admit that the ICC World Twenty20 has gotten off to a rather low-key start. Empty stands, rain interruptions, and the very genteel behaviour displayed by the likes of Shahid Afridi and Harbhajan Singh do not an exciting tournament make.

In fact, response to the tournament has been so subdued that even the ICC president, David Morgan, has no idea that it's going on.

"Really? An international Twenty20 tournament is on right now? Wow!" said Morgan, who admitted he's been too busy watching the final season of Lost to pay any heed to the cricket.

1. The ball-biting incident was Shahid Afridi having an early-evening snack. At actual meal-times, Shahid Afridi eats meteorites.

2. Shahid Afridi doesn't bowl googlies because he thinks the name is too sissy.

The rise of Twenty20 over the past few years has heralded many changes for the game, both good and bad. Cricket's coffers are brimming once again, the game seems more attractive to the non-cricketing layman, and support groups for bowlers have expanded exponentially since the likes of Gayle and Pietersen began thrashing them around like unwanted stepchildren.

There have also been new shots. New fandangled methods of causing those tortured members of the ball-delivering fraternity to join hands in circles across the world to chant uplifting phrases in unison and stick pins into the shoulders of voodoo dolls shaped like Virender Sehwag.

One stroke in particular has captured the imagination of batting sadists worldwide. It's easy enough to describe. Batsman gets low to the ground, sticks his bat out, sends ball sailing high over hapless wicketkeeper to the unprotected boundary. You know, that shot. Pinning down a name for this stroke, however, is not so easy.

I hate to be the one to point this out to you, but there is a chance your magnificent sporting nation will not win the World Twenty20. Sorry to be the bearer of this news. But it is true. It doesn't matter if you support India, Australia or Afghanistan, the chance of losing is real.

Then there is also the chance that your team will go out early. Really early if you are Australia. So then what happens? Do you just follow the tournament like a conscientious objector, or do you get in the game and follow another team?

I can't help conscientious objectors, but for those who want to keep going in the World Twenty20, I have come up with a guide for picking your second favourite teams.