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The Heavy Ball

England win the wrong World Cup

Clarke's selflessness, Modi's response, and why parties weren't to blame for India's poor showing

Michael Clarke gives Nathan Hauritz some instructions, Australia v Zimbabwe, ICC World Twenty20 warm-up match, St Lucia, April 27, 2010

Michael Clarke distracts Nathan Hauritz by doing the hokey pokey while revealing that he is, in fact, a holder of a British passport  •  Getty Images

England's fantastic win in the ICC World Twenty20 has been received with much euphoria and jubilation, as Paul Collingwood's men ended a 35-year wait for victory in a world limited-overs cricket tournament. Fans all over the country have responded with an outpouring of joy, celebrating on the streets till the wee hours, thumbing their noses in the general direction of Germany, and sending "All Is Forgiven" greeting cards to a bewildered Sven-Goran Eriksson.
"Oh? We won the World Cup? Topping. Who did we beat in the finals? Italy?" asked one fan, whose awareness level clearly paled in comparison to his blood-alcohol level. On learning the awful truth, that his countrymen had merely triumphed in a cricket tournament, he calmed down and resignedly said, "Oh, cricket eh? That explains it - since it's impossible to lose a crucial cricket match on penalties." He then returned to his game of darts, played on a custom Disconsolate Gareth Southgate Edition dartboard.
However, these events haven't distracted Collingwood from savouring his moment of glory. "Nobody kicks England out of an ICC limited-overs tournament sixteen times in a row," he exclaimed cheerily, admitting that he was suffering from a spot of Gerulaitis.
Collingwood also profusely thanked his team-mates, and added, "I think we proved a point out there to all the doubters. The victory would not have been possible without vital contributions from true blue Englishmen such as Craig Kieswetter, Kevin Pietersen and, of course, Michael Clarke." He singled out Clarke's contribution as being the most significant, saying, "At least KP and Kieswetter had the motivation of a winner's medal driving them, but for Pup to completely throw himself into ensuring an England win - that was special. The mark of a selfless cricketer."
Meanwhile, in the face of growing criticism that the late-night IPL parties were the primary reason for India's poor performance in the tournament, the BCCI has responded with unexpected alacrity, by cancelling all cricket matches for IPL 4 and announcing that the league will consist exclusively of parties from the next year onwards.
"We have to face facts and accept that intense cricket followed by wild parties takes a massive toll on our players. So we've decided to reduce the burden on them by calling off all that annoying cricket, so that they can conserve their energies for some all-night boogie woogie," said a solemn IPL chairman, Chirayu Amin. "Besides, I assure you that their performance at the IPL parties was far worse than their performance at the World Twenty20. You should have seen this sorry lot - nodding off, drinking orange juice, ignoring the guests and leaving just past midnight. Disappointing. Disgraceful. Disastrous. Dystopian," he added, using enough Ds to keep Danny Morrison happy for a few days.
The BCCI has also conveyed to the ICC their inability to host the World Cup in 2011, since they expect that all their staff would still be occupied with reading Lalit Modi's 15,000-page response to their allegations against him.
"Jeez. What a jerk. A small rain forest had to be destroyed just so he could tell Mr Manohar to pike off. This stuff makes my old organic chemistry textbook seem like Playboy," said an unfortunate BCCI employee saddled with reading pages 6032 to 8127.
We contacted Mr Modi for his response, and he responded by using up 12,000 tweets of 140 characters each to say "No comment."

Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at All quotes and facts in this article are fiction (but you knew that already, didn't you?)