The Heavy Ball
The strange and wonderful Mr Nannes
When you're the world's only skier-cum-Japanese-speaking-saxophone-playing fast bowler, it's hard to separate the facts about you from the fiction
Jarrod Kimber
19-Mar-2010
The problem with being an underground cult figure is that myth and truth can develop until the average cricket fan gets everything confused. I've been following Dirk since before the Dutch team came calling for him. I've been there when he has bowled in front of a handful of people at the MCG and at Lord's. I saw his wet Australian Twenty20 debut. So it is up to me to sort out the truth from the fiction.
Myth: He once strangled a bear with his own hands. (It was a lion. But he didn't kill it, not because he couldn't, but because killing a lion to prove how strong you are is not cool.)
Truth: He plays the saxophone. John Coltrane once came back from the dead and clapped at Dirk's rendition of "Alabama". Normal people would have been freaked out by this, but Dirk is not afraid of ghosts.
Full postOne foot in the stream
Our intrepid reporter braves a dodgy feed, Brylcreem ads and people hawking illegal links, to watch the IPL online
Jarrod Kimber
16-Mar-2010
After a morning of watching cricket players singing on YouTube (Abdul Razzaq is my favourite) I stumbled across the live IPL stream. I was greeted with Pommie Mbangwa and Shane Warne speaking with an awkward delay. When Pommie spoke, Warne's lips moved and vice versa. Was a nice effect.
Whispers had come back to me that the picture quality was poor on the IPL's YouTube experiment, but the picture worked for me. You could see Dirk Nannes' magnificent facial fuzz and Graeme Smith's cold, dead eyes. Warne's teeth were as luminescent as always and Harsha Bhogle's hair was lustrous.
Clearly when they came up with this online stream no one thought of the serious problems it could lead to. The cheerleaders are harder to ogle. If the light is not on these unnecessary dancing girls properly, it leads to pixellation and the girls can look like they're characters from Samantha Fox Strip Poker (made in 1986).
Full postNew Zealand's bizarro world
Why the Chappell-Hadlee series was played in an alternate universe - where the Kiwis actually win
Andrew Fernando
12-Mar-2010
New Zealand's relationship with Australia is a rocky and confused one. Sometimes it feels like Australia is the degenerate older brother you had when you were a kid. You know the kind. Got sent away by your parents to boarding school after having been apprehended for petty crime, sports a long, unwashed ponytail, roots for the bad guys in movies, and comes home every once in a while to make fun of your weight and get plastered off your parents' alcohol. In short, you hate Australia.
At other times, however, Australia is the shining light. The towering standard against which New Zealand measures itself. Everything from pop culture to GDP is compared to Australia's glittering achievements, and often the Kiwis come up heartbreakingly short. The realm of international cricket too, regrettably falls under this categorisation.
Australia have won 23 of the 33 ODIs played by the two teams since 2004. Once again, the intense rivalry created by New Zealand's disgust for their miscreant brother just ends up being another reason for Kiwis to get depressed about being inadequate.
Full postThe PCB gets tough, bidding gets rampant, England get cracking
This time the Pakistan board means business, and to prove it, they've looked across the seas for players to ban
Anand Ramachandran
12-Mar-2010
Following the sudden, unexpected bans on several senior players in the Pakistan cricket team, the PCB has surprised everyone by slapping life bans on former New Zealand players Ewen Chatfield, Roger Twose and Stuart Gillespie.
"Yes. We are furious at the goings-on in Pakistan cricket and are in the mood to dish out severe punishment. But since we've pretty much banned every cricketer possible and run out of local options, we've had to resort to the rather nifty trick of dealing out harsh punishments to random guys from New Zealand who don't even play anymore. Bwahahahaha!" said PCB chairman Ijaz Butt, laughing maniacally at his diabolical plan.
Butt also categorically ruled out any chance of the bans on the former Kiwis being reduced. "Absolutely not. We will make sure that these players never represent Pakistan again. In fact, we're so thorough, we have even ensured that they have never represented Pakistan at any point in history. How's that for a complete life ban, eh?" he asked merrily, pleased at his evil genius. He was later heard furiously denying that his name was a clever pun referring to the derriere of a former Pakistan middle-order batsman.
Full postThe Bangladesh tour dictionary
What English commentators in Bangladesh will say, alongside helpful translations of what they really mean
Alex Bowden
11-Mar-2010
When it comes to matches against Bangladesh, English commentators struggle. They need to be seen to be treating Bangladesh cricket respectfully, but they want to emphasise how they think England should win with ease at the same time. The conflict between these two desires has led to a unique way of speaking where what is said is not necessarily what is meant and often amounts to making excuses for players from both sides. Sometimes it's just flat-out denial of the facts. Decoded below are the common phrases that you will hear, telling you what the English commentator really means.
"Make no mistake, Bangladesh have got plenty of strokemakers"
I have no idea who's batting, I have no idea what kind of a batsman he is, but that was a good shot.
I have no idea who's batting, I have no idea what kind of a batsman he is, but that was a good shot.
"This won't be easy for England"
This really should be easy for England.
Full postThis really should be easy for England.
Sanga's Eleven
What do you get when Sri Lanka's ever-so-smooth captain puts together a crack team to get up the noses of the Australians? Cricket plus heist movie, that's what
Damith Samarakoon
10-Mar-2010
The plot
When Giles Clarke offers Sri Lanka the choice of a three-Test series every year, there is only one catch: Sangakkara must retrieve the 2010 edition of Justin Langer's dossier on the English. With time running out, Sanga puts together the ultimate team to do just that.
When Giles Clarke offers Sri Lanka the choice of a three-Test series every year, there is only one catch: Sangakkara must retrieve the 2010 edition of Justin Langer's dossier on the English. With time running out, Sanga puts together the ultimate team to do just that.
The plan
When Shane Warne sets up a charity poker game, Sanga finds the loophole he needs to get into CA headquarters. With an inside man on the cards table and a high roller to keep the security busy, the team orchestrate a scheme that involves breaking into a top-secret vault in Tim Nielsen's office.
When Shane Warne sets up a charity poker game, Sanga finds the loophole he needs to get into CA headquarters. With an inside man on the cards table and a high roller to keep the security busy, the team orchestrate a scheme that involves breaking into a top-secret vault in Tim Nielsen's office.
The players
Full postDouble-century? I've done better
Granted, that Tendulkar fellow did decently well, but let us now talk about a real giant of the game
Sidin Vadukut
03-Mar-2010
The one other cricketer who has seen a steep rise in popularity post the TonDeux-lkar extravaganza seems to be Australia's Belinda Clark.
Clark, I am nowadays relentlessly reminded in cafés and on Metro trains by loud, obnoxious people with internet connections, once scored 229 runs in an ODI against Denmark.
Yes, yes Denmark has a population equal to Shivaji Park on weekends, and as much cricketing tradition as Razor Ramon. But still, Clark reached the landmark first. And poor Sachin will always be second.
Full postHail Bing, you singing, swinging, fast-bowling thing
They say Brett Lee was good, not great. They lied, the filthy, lying liars
Jarrod Kimber
28-Feb-2010
If you were a cricketer with 10 years of Test-match entertainment under your belt, not to mention film cameos, hit songs and your own personal underwear line, wouldn't you think that your retirement would be the biggest story of the week?
Maybe not front-page news, but at the very least everyone would be talking about it. Perhaps saying things like, "Hey, I liked that Brett Lee, even though he mangled the Hindi language in song. I will be sorry he won't be playing Test cricket anymore."
Instead some dude that you could never bloody get out trots out the first double-century ever scored by a man in a one-day international.
Full postCricket v love
Which one's better? Do you really need to ask?
Imran Yusuf
26-Feb-2010
I was with a woman but she's moved on. I was heartbroken, dear reader, really down and out, so naturally this got me thinking about cricket and Cricinfo and Page 2. (Nothing like a deadline to focus the mind.)
I arrived at some conclusions, which I will present below. This was only after my customary article-writing routine, which does not involve quills and smoking jackets and meditations with the muse, but rather imagining Viv Richards in one of his sadistic moods appearing in my bedroom in bondage gear thinking I'm a meek medium-pacer begging for punishment. Nothing like fear to get you to your desk.
Anyway, after some contemplation, this is what I ended up reasoning: cricket is superior to romantic love.
Full post