The Heavy Ball
Quelle horreur
What do you get when you cross SAW with the glorious game?
Jarrod Kimber
25-Feb-2010
When Virender Sehwag and four other cricketers who aren't Virender Sehwag wake up in an old, creepy mansion, they have to face the toughest test of their lives. Virender, Sulieman, Brad, Daniel and Shahid all find themselves victims of cruel cricket-related horror madness. Are they willing to change the way they play the game, to survive? This is the horror film that puts the balls in the right area.
Sulieman wakes up at the end of a hallway. It is pitch black but when he moves, a TV screen appears on the roof above him. A blood-covered skull moves its jawbone and says:
"Hello, Sulieman. You are a humble, sane and talented international finger spinner. Yet you constantly bump into the opposition, trip players up or get in physical entanglements; in Australia you did all three. Did you do it for your team or did you just want some attention? Tonight you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die, you just have to behave as normal, but if you want to live, you'll have to walk down this hallway and not bump into any of my friends, who are all set up to explode at the smallest of touches. You might survive one bump but not two. The door is open at the other end of the hallway; it will be for the next two minutes - the time that your over is supposed to be bowled in, if you are playing sensibly."
Full postIt's all Bangladesh's fault
It's criminal for a team so talented to underperform the way they do, and you can't blame the universe from going out of whack when they inevitably do
Andrew Fernando
24-Feb-2010
Kittens dying. Children crying inconsolably for no apparent reason. National economies crashing. Disease. Pestilence. Apartheid. Jennifer Lopez.
This is just a short list of things that occur when Bangladesh lose cricket matches.
Bad things. Terrible things. Things that break lives and destroy cities.
Full postThe Absence Premier League, and Afridi's cunning plan
The ICL tries to make a valiant comeback, and Pakistan's talisman discovers the secret of eternal youth
Anand Ramachandran
23-Feb-2010
With the threat of players from England, Australia and South Africa pulling out of the IPL due to security reasons, rumours of a possible boycott by the Deccan Chargers team, and the absence of cricketers from Pakistan, the IPL runs the risk of being mistaken for the Commonwealth Games. However, this has opened a window of opportunity for the almost-forgotten, now defunct ICL to make an unexpected comeback. If rumours are to be believed, the ICL is planning to stage a tournament called the Absence Premier League, which will be the world's first sporting event organised exclusively for players to boycott , miss due to injury, or ignore altogether.
"From the number of people scrambling to give the IPL a miss, it is clear to us that non-participation is the new participation," said former ICL boss Subhash Chandra. "There is a rapidly increasing base of players who seem keen on not playing the IPL, citing reasons like commitment to country, injury, security threats and general disinterest. We would like to corner this market - so we created the Absence Premier League. Now, instead of not participating in the IPL, we hope that we can attract players to not participate in the APL," he said.
Chandra also clarified that the APL was an extremely viable business model. "Since the concept itself revolves around teams not taking part, there is no need to incur the expenses of actually organising the tournament and broadcasting it. We will simply attract the best talent to give the APL a miss, and create an advertising campaign using their star power. We will use this momentum to sell advertising slots on TV. And since there are no matches to be televised, all the available time can be used to show ads. What a win!" he said, flashing a thumbs-up sign inspired by Roger Ebert and Country Club chairman Mr Y Rajeev Reddy.
Full postBalls: a brief history
First came hollow plastic, then hollow rubber, then PVC and cork: a look at the evolution of the cricket ball, via exhilarating chemical vapours and blows to the goolies
Sidin Vadukut
16-Feb-2010
A few days ago scandal was once again unleashed in the cricket world when 17-year-old Shahid Afridi was found to have bitten into a cricket ball.
No, that is not a metaphor. (Though, if you ask me, the phrase "to bite the cricket ball" is just begging to be used in a profound metaphorical sense. Like other popular metaphors, such as "grabbing the bull by the horns" or "it quickly devolved into a hashtag".)
In fact, the young Afridi actually chomped into a cricket ball with his bare teeth. His fiendish plan, experts say, was to deform the surface of the ball so as to create reverse swing, so that the Australian batsmen, instead of lazily hitting fours over midwicket, would be forced into hitting sixes over long-off.
Full postHow to build a world-conquering cricket franchise
It starts with getting a name that doesn't sound anything like an IPL team. Sort of
Alex Bowden
14-Feb-2010
The landscape of cricket is changing. I know this because I've seen it stated on a number of press releases recently. This week the landscape of cricket has changed because the Royals brand has spread into different countries - sorry, "territories". But for every canyon into which an old tradition will fall, a mountain of opportunity will spring up, and I've taken it upon myself to scale one of those mountains and claim it as my own. In the last 24 hours I have set up a cricket brand to rival the Royals.
The most important part of any brand is the name. Get that right and you're off to a flyer. My brand needed to be better than Royals. I considered Kings, but that was taken in the form of Kings XI Punjab. I considered Super Kings, but that was taken by Chennai Super Kings. Then it came to me. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. It was so simple, so pure, so immediately arresting: Mega Super Kings. Armed with a winning name, I headed out to sign up some franchises.
I was laughed out of my first meeting, because it was essentially just me and a name. For the second meeting, I claimed I was representing a "consortium" and that went better, but still I had no success. For my third meeting, I told them I was representing an Ahmedabad consortium and that was pretty much all they needed to know. They signed, and from there it was plain sailing.
Full postThe immoveable Mr Butt
There is only one way to oust the Pakistan board president. Catch him napping
Imran Yusuf
12-Feb-2010
Compared to Ijaz Butt, previous Pakistani dictators look lightweight.
We got rid of them all, eventually, but it seems nothing can dislodge Mr Butt. He's been in charge for almost a year and a half now, a year and a half of incompetence, lies, blunders, nail-biting, back-biting, ball-biting, and worst of all, for some unfortunate Sri Lankans, the biting of real live bullets.
The fact is, Pakistanis care much more about cricket than democracy, making Butt's staying powers all the more amazing. A year and a half as a useless chairman of the PCB is equivalent to a decade and a half as a useless leader of the government. Butt is more durable than any of the Generals: Musharraf, Zia, and even our first one, Ayub Khan. It's official.
Full postMisunderstood hookers, and an all-new IPL auction
Jacques Kallis and Sunny G star in a most unfortunate mix-up; and the triumph of the human element
Anand Ramachandran
11-Feb-2010
In a misunderstanding of mountainous proportions, Jacques Kallis has taken great exception to former India great and present commentary legend Sunil Gavaskar calling him a "hooker".
Apparently, while commentating on the current India-South Africa Test series, Gavaskar said, " Kallis is one of the finest hookers cricket has ever seen, and his knocks have given immense pleasure to millions of fans." Due to a most unfortunate misinterpretation, these comments have led to a war of words between Kallis and Gavaskar, and the situation threatens to spiral out of control.
"Gavaskar is a great player and I have great respect for him, but calling me a hooker just isn't on," said an agitated Kallis. "Also, he has no business giving his opinion on my knocks. I agree they aren't bad, but they don't really compare to the great knocks of Arjuna Ranatunga, David Boon, Jesse Ryder, and indeed, Sunny himself," he muttered, looking a little confused as the South African team PR officer hit himself over the head with a copy of Beyond a Boundary by CLR James.
Full postWho wants to be the new Ottis?
Replacing toys in prams, wielding a pair of scissors, being suitably named - there's a lot you need to do if you're going to be a crucial member of a top cricket team's support staff
Alex Bowden
05-Feb-2010
England are looking for a new bowling coach after Ottis Gibson took the top job with West Indies. But what does the England bowling coach actually do? What are his responsibilities? What skills does he need? I caught up with ECB official Derek Cavendish, who tried to answer some of those questions.
Ruddy-cheeked, middle-aged, slightly overweight and bombastic, Cavendish is an imposing figure. He has been entrusted with identifying Gibson's successor and he's clearly given the matter some thought.
"First of all, the England bowling coach needs to fit in with the England cricket brand. That's not to say he needs to know anything about the brand of cricket England play - that's not something we're bothered about. Rather, he needs to have the right look and the right way of talking."
Full postNo. 1 is for wimps
The so-called top spot is for easybeats. If you're a team of any worth, you're going to be looking out for No. 3 and lower
Alex Bowden
29-Jan-2010
Has anyone not played the No. 1 side in the world recently? Every series seems to involve at least one No. 1, if not two. Only recently we've had Andy Flower saying Kevin Pietersen struggled in South Africa because he was playing "against the No. 1 side in the world", while Mohammad Yousuf said that Australia were "the best side" when asked if his opponents were No. 1.
Bizarrely, the only person who doesn't believe he's playing against the No. 1 side in the world is Shakib Al Hasan of Bangladesh. He says of top-ranked India: "They are ranked No. 1 recently, but I think South Africa and Australia are much better than them."
This actually makes a lot of sense. The average stint at the top of the Test rankings is currently about a fortnight. South Africa managed to fall from the top of the tree without even playing a match earlier this year and no side has been able to maintain their superiority for long. It's as if sides get lazy the instant they reach the pinnacle. Recent history suggests that few teams are more likely to lose than the one considered the best in the world.
Full postLet's give mediocrity its due
It's time the ICC organised tournaments where players like Sanjay Bangar, Matthew Bell and Owais Shah can compete without the fear of being totally outplayed
Anand Ramachandran
28-Jan-2010
I stopped watching the India-Bangladesh Test series when, to mark the occasion of Sachin Tendulkar's 45th Test century, Sunil Gavaskar reminded the viewers that "a hundred is a hundred". Just in case we mistook it for a compact, well-made 37. That was the last straw - one so heavy it would have broken the back of a real camel, never mind the proverbial ones.
Switching to the ongoing Under-19 World Cup was rewarding in many ways. Not the least of which was watching so many talented young cricketers who just might go on to become cricket's superstars, giving me the smug satisfaction of winning the many inevitable future beer-fuelled arguments about their merits (or lack thereof) by saying "Shut up! I've watched him since he was just a teenager." Hah. Nothing beats sheer experience. Not knowledge. Not cleverness. Not logic. Nothing.
The age-group tournaments have given us so many present-day superstars (Chris Gayle, Graeme Smith, Yuvraj Singh, Michael Clarke) that their utility becomes obvious. U-19 or U-22 players are often too young to be thrust into the cauldron of international cricket, and these tournaments serve as proving grounds where they can hone and improve their skills to ready themselves for the highest levels of the game.
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