The Heavy Ball
Life's a pitch
A game called off for a bad wicket? What sissy nonsense is this? Have we forgotten our heritage?
Sidin Vadukut
06-Jan-2010
Some days ago I was lying face up on a bed in a hotel in Ranikhet. (Ranikhet is this delightful hill station in the foothills of the Himalayas. You can just about see the snow-capped peaks if you stand in the balcony of the room and lean over the railing vigorously. I was on vacation with the missus, who adores the hills, the cold and standing over glowing coal braziers.)
Braziers. Giggle.
As I lie, delightful cricket match commentary is streaming from the TV. There is a lively nip in the -342° centigrade Ranikhet air. The room heater is set to "blast furnace" and I am waiting to die as my lungs collapse in the cold.
Full postTake your filthy hands off our sport
Cricket is just about the only recreation for the young in Pakistan. And now the terrorists want to put an end to that as well?
Imran Yusuf
04-Jan-2010
The new year in Pakistan started with a bang after a suicide bomber did his thing at a volleyball game in Lakki Marwat. So far the death toll is 91.
Okay, this might be a stupid question, but how stupid are the Taliban?
Let's get this straight. Volleyball. A sport. A sport! (Well, sort of. I always thought the game a bit lame, but then I admit I've been overly affected by those flamboyant beach scenes from Top Gun.)
Full postSo long, Shane (sniff)
Why Bond's retirement was a little like being dumped (again) by your gorgeous on-now, off-now girlfriend
Andrew Fernando
30-Dec-2009
I like Christmas time in New Zealand. Mainly because of the irony really. It's just a great big hilarious paradox. Here we are sunbathing on the beach in the sweltering heat, gulping down ice cream whilst sparking up the barbie (being careful not to throw another shrimp on it, because otherwise people get confused) - yet at the same time belting out old favourites about walking in a winter wonderland, sleigh bells ringing, having a white Christmas and all that sort of carry on. It's pretty good fun. Usually.
But this year things were different. Instead of spending Christmas morning joyously unwrapping presents around our fake-snow-adorned trees with the reindeer decorations, New Zealand was in a state of collective mourning. It wasn't downright despair. That's generally reserved for the special occasion that occurs every four years when the All Blacks invariably choke at yet another World Cup. But it still hurt. Shane Bond had announced his retirement from Test cricket.
See, to New Zealand, Shane Bond is like that stunningly gorgeous girlfriend whom you've been with on and off for the last few years. When you're with her, everything is absolutely fantastic. You feel good, you're motivated at work, your mum tells you that she likes what you've done with your hair. You tell yourself that the only thing more satisfying than this relationship would be a never-ending repeat reel of Shane Watson getting out in the 90s. But then something bad happens. Things are said. Feelings are hurt. She joins the rebel league and is banned from dating you for two years. But you never really stop loving her.
Full postBring on the lousy pitches
Juice in the wicket? Chances of injury? Oh good
Jarrod Kimber
28-Dec-2009
There was a time when it was cool to be a bowler. They had long, flowing manly manes, or mullets you could park a pick-up truck on. Their shirts were half-unbuttoned to show their utter manliness. Ladies swooned. Facial hair was everywhere. And the world loved them.
Then bowlers changed. Their haircuts became sensible. Facial hair was removed. Shirts were buttoned up. Pace was reduced. And accuracy was their thing.
During the changeover period the batsmen took over, completely. They got the ropes in on the outfield. They got bigger bats. Took out the bouncers. Insisted on walking out covered by a mattress. Softened the balls. And only batted on pitches that wouldn't hurt, embarrass or dismiss them.
Full postWhy Pakistan is actually New Zealand
The new definition of home series has delighted many, and confused not a few others
Anand Ramachandran
25-Dec-2009
Many people don't realise that Pakistan's recently concluded Test series in New Zealand was actually a home series for them, thanks to the combined genius of the ICC policy-makers and the security situation back home in Pakistan.
Inspired by this, teams such as India and Sri Lanka have hit upon the evil plan of improving their less-than-impressive overseas records by playing all their away series at home.
"Yes! If Pakistan can play home series in New Zealand, then we can play away series in India itself. Finally we will beat Australia in Australia by beating them in India. It's brilliant," schemed BCCI president Shashank Manohar, rubbing his palms with glue.
Full postWhy I failed to become Kapil Dev
Many are the Indians who tried to be the second Haryana Hurricane. Your correspondent was one such
Krish Ashok
24-Dec-2009
I could have become the next Kapil Dev.
Back in the day when India was searching for the next Kapil, I was an enthusiastic kid in Class 11 in Delhi. I was also a slow medium-pace batsman and a bowler who could deliver the ball without straightening my arm by more than 15 degrees at the moment of delivery. The moment was there for me to grab with both hands, like Matthew Hayden at slip. All I had to do was improve a bit in the batting, bowling and fielding departments and also floss my teeth till they could signal lost ships with their brilliance, and I could have been India's next Kapil Dev.
Several blokes were attempting to become the next Haryana Hurricane, but most failed to realise, at least metaphorically, that Haryana is about a thousand miles from the coast.
Full postFrom filthy to fabulous
These days they shine so much, you need to wear sunglasses while watching them, but who remembers the time when India were crap and safely light years away from No. 1?
Sidin Vadukut
18-Dec-2009
It was a most surreal experience, sitting in the office earlier this week during the India-Sri Lanka one-day inter-freaking-national in Rajkot. One oh-so-2008 flat-screen LCD TV in a corner of the office was tuned to the match, and every few minutes I'd look up to see what the score was. (The match was on a Tuesday. Tuesdays, as you know, are terrible at work. You can blame Monday on Sunday, and Wednesday offers mid-week relief. Tuesday is when everything you didn't do on Monday comes back and Dilscoops you in the cojones. I had achieved staggeringly little on Monday.)
So I'd look up. And Sehwag would be on 15 off 0.27 balls. And then I'd go back to work. And then look up. And Sehwag would have just scored three sixes off one single ball by Welegedara while Welegedara was still running up to bowl above-mentioned ball. And then I'd go back to work. And look up again. And, astonishingly enough, the stock market is up 37 points.
Because some idiot changed the channel.
Full postYounis in charge
More Fawad Alam, more fishing, more slick suits - just a few of the things we can look forward to if the former Pakistan captain takes over as coach
Imran Yusuf
17-Dec-2009
Younis Khan attended a coaching course in Lahore this week, prompting
rumours he will rejoin the Pakistan team in Australia not as a player
but as head coach. It could happen: such a shock move is possible from
a cricket board that recalls Mohammad Sami. Two days ago a Sami
comeback was less likely than one from Bob Woolmer.
Younis would certainly cut a dashing figure in the pavilion; a
South Asian counterpoint to those European smoothies Pep Guardiola and
José Mourinho. He's been frequently pictured of late in slick dark
suits - evidently, in hindsight, a deliberate move to look the part and
subliminally prepare the ground to take over as coach. He also chews gum, sometimes like a masticator possessed: with the great Sir Alex Ferguson, Younis is in good company.
Beyond the cosmetic and onto the pitch, we might also look forward to the following changes.
Full postGood old KP
What do you do when the crowds are getting you down? If you're Pietersen, you summon up an 80-year-old alter ego
Alex Bowden
16-Dec-2009
As Kevin Pietersen prepares for his first Test series in the country of his birth, how does he cope with the booing that he encounters at every venue? It's not so well known, but a player who prides himself on not needing a batting coach does make use of his own personal psychologist - a man called Stan Betts.
I caught up with Betts in his local pub in Darwen, Lancashire. It was here that the two first met after Pietersen had stopped to ask directions to the Oval on his way from Hampshire. Betts takes up the story:
"He were an idiot and I told him so."
Full postTrademarked players, a catch-all apology, and the retirement of New Zealand
Shoaib apologises for unknown crimes, Dilshan becomes a brand, and more such delightful stuff
Anand Ramachandran
15-Dec-2009
While it's common enough for cricketers to announce that they will retire at the end of a particular series or after an event such as an upcoming World Cup, the announcement of an entire country's retirement from the game is bound to spark off more than a mere hubbub. Which is what happened when New Zealand Cricket announced that New Zealand would be retiring from cricket at the end of Daniel Vettori's career.
"It is with regret that we announce that the country of New Zealand will be retiring from all forms of the game once Daniel Vettori is finished with his career. We'd love to carry on for sentimental reasons, but you have to accept reality and face facts. And we honestly believe that, after Dan leaves, we simply wouldn't be competitive at the international level," said Justin Vaughan, CEO of NZC, at a hastily arranged press conference. "After all, it's better to go when people are asking 'Why' rather than 'Why not?'" he said, channelling his inner Sunil Gavaskar.
"Why not? After all, Vettori is their greatest player - in fact, we could label him 'the Daniel Vettori of New Zealand cricket'. If players retire when they feel they aren't good enough to play international cricket any more, why shouldn't a country do the same?" said Sunil Gavaskar, channelling his inner Justin Vaughan, just to maintain the overall balance within this article.
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