"I believe Alastair and others should get on the front foot a bit more," Graham Gooch said this week. He was actually talking about how they should have reacted to Kevin Pietersen's book, but you could be forgiven for thinking that he was talking about batting. After all, Graham Gooch is always talking about batting…

The Gooch kitchen. Graham and Mrs Gooch are preparing a meal.

Mrs Gooch: Graham, please would you chop the vegetables?

Graham: No problem. How do you want them?

Mrs Gooch: Just chopped is fine.

Graham: Chopped? Are you sure? Can I not cut them?

Mrs Gooch: (Sighs wearily) Yes, if you want to put it like that, you can cut them.

Graham: (Cheerily) Great. Where's the sharp knife?

Mrs Gooch: It's in the drawer.

Graham: In the drawer? Oh right. I thought it might be hanging from a… hook.

Mrs Gooch: No, we don't keep the sharp knife on a hook.

Graham: Or in the… block.

Mrs Gooch: We don't have a knife block. Oh wait, I see what you're doing.

Graham: We can do without a hook, but need a really good block.

Mrs Gooch shakes her head silently. Graham starts chopping/cutting the vegetables.

Graham: It's no good. This knife's had it. I'm going to go and get another one.

Mrs Gooch: Yes, it has seen better days. Okay then. Where are you going to go for one? You can't be long.

Graham: I'll go to Centuryland.

Mrs Gooch: Centuryland? Where the hell's Centuryland? I've never heard of it.

Graham: You know, Centuryland - where everything costs exactly 100 pence.

Mrs Gooch: You mean Poundland.

Graham: Centuryland!

Mrs Gooch: I think it might be Poundstretcher or just the Pound Shop or something, actually.

Graham: Centurystretcher! I'll drive there.

Mrs Gooch: You could just say that you're going to take the car.

Graham: I'm driving! Now where exactly is Centurystretcher, I can't quite remember?

Graham walks out of the room, lost in his own thoughts. "I'm walking down the corridor of uncertainty," he says as he approaches the front door. "I'm leaving," he says as he walks outside. "I'm backing up," he says as he reverses out of the drive.

Half an hour later, he returns.

Graham: I'm back!

Mrs Gooch: Great. Did you get knife?

Graham: It took a while, but I had a good glance around and eventually found one.

Mrs Gooch: You should definitely have said "look" there.

Graham: Right, let's get cutting. Is it just you and me and this evening?

Mrs Gooch: Yes.

Graham: I'll cut for four anyway.

Gooch starts chopping/cutting the vegetables with the new knife.

Mrs Gooch: Can you speed up a bit? Time's getting on.

Graham: It's a hard slog, this. I can't meet your asking rate.

A few minutes later, Graham finishes.

Graham: How's that? Oh no, wait - that's fielding.

Mrs Gooch: You've cut them a little fine, but that's okay. Although, you have left a load of bits on the chopping board. Could you put them in the bin?

Graham: Can I sweep them into the bin?

Mrs Gooch: (Sighs) If you want.

Graham: Well, that's the vegetables done. What are we having with them?

Mrs Gooch: Duck.

Graham: Absolutely not.

Mrs Gooch: Plum duck.

Graham: Never in a million years.

Mrs Gooch: Well, what do you want instead?

Graham: How about… meat of the bat?

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket