Five IPL records I'd like to see broken
Featuring sound-wave specialists and frown kings
James Marsh
05-Apr-2015
With Munaf absent, who can take over the onerous responsibility of making sure everyone - team-mates, opposition and the umpires - goes home feeling unloved? • AFP
Hovering into view like a gigantic mass of cricketing ectoplasm, the IPL is back with us once again to banish the ghosts of reserve, tact and understatement. Though it is the single biggest thing to propel the game into a new era of aggressive intent, and a smorgasbord of entertainment, there are still those who may sneer at its gaudy presence.
If you don't enjoy seeing slightly distressed-looking cheerleaders wielding badly choreographed pom-poms to celebrate Chris Morris taking a streaky single to third man, the IPL is probably not for you. If you've only just recovered from the horror of seeing batsmen repeatedly smash the ball into the Milky Way during the World Cup, the IPL is probably not for you. If you play cricket for England, the IPL is almost certainly not for you.
For everyone else, however, the brainchild of Lalit Modi is a joyous six-week cornucopia of fun and frolic, albeit one where you have to listen to Ramiz Raja talking all the time. Now in its eighth season, the competition has spawned a whole host of records. Here are five that could be broken this time round.
Most decibels in a single over
Current holder: Danny Morrison
These days cricketers have to adapt between formats, and the same is also true of commentators to a certain extent. Morrison is genuinely canny, insightful and articulate during his stints behind the mic in Tests, but the second he sees a Citibank advertising hoarding, he successfully transforms into a human parakeet with cricketing Tourette's. Devastated by the sad loss of "DLF maximums" when Pepsi muscled in as the main tournament sponsor a couple of years ago, Morrison is now back to his screeching best with his "Dancing shoes!", "Booms!" and more "Double Ds" than a lingerie emporium. Can anyone challenge his commitment to turning the larynx into a weapon of mass destruction?
Current holder: Danny Morrison
These days cricketers have to adapt between formats, and the same is also true of commentators to a certain extent. Morrison is genuinely canny, insightful and articulate during his stints behind the mic in Tests, but the second he sees a Citibank advertising hoarding, he successfully transforms into a human parakeet with cricketing Tourette's. Devastated by the sad loss of "DLF maximums" when Pepsi muscled in as the main tournament sponsor a couple of years ago, Morrison is now back to his screeching best with his "Dancing shoes!", "Booms!" and more "Double Ds" than a lingerie emporium. Can anyone challenge his commitment to turning the larynx into a weapon of mass destruction?
Most likely record-breaker: No one, unless Simon Doull is inexplicably fired and replaced with a blue whale.
Most innovative signal to a bookie
Current holder: Sreesanth
Sreesanth created one of the most iconic images of the IPL when he broke down in tears after being slapped in the face by Harbhajan Singh back in the 2008 tournament. Not content with the embarrassment of coming off second best in a physical altercation with notorious hard man Bhajji, he went on to heap further shame upon himself by bowling to order for money during the 2013 tournament, with police alleging he draped a towel out of his trousers to signal when he was going to try to concede a certain amount of runs. Quite why anyone needed to pay Sreesanth to ensure he bowled badly is still a mystery, but nevertheless his part in the spot-fixing scandal earned him a life ban by the BCCI.
Current holder: Sreesanth
Sreesanth created one of the most iconic images of the IPL when he broke down in tears after being slapped in the face by Harbhajan Singh back in the 2008 tournament. Not content with the embarrassment of coming off second best in a physical altercation with notorious hard man Bhajji, he went on to heap further shame upon himself by bowling to order for money during the 2013 tournament, with police alleging he draped a towel out of his trousers to signal when he was going to try to concede a certain amount of runs. Quite why anyone needed to pay Sreesanth to ensure he bowled badly is still a mystery, but nevertheless his part in the spot-fixing scandal earned him a life ban by the BCCI.
Most likely record-breaker: Lawyers in the Chennai area have requested we don't familiarise readers with names.
Grumpiest team-mate
Current holder: Munaf Patel
Munaf Patel is a World Cup winner and off the field comes across as a humble and charming man. On it, he's one of the moodiest on the planet, with a teapot collection to rival that of even Stuart Broad. Although the ex-Mumbai Indians quick is himself not the sprightliest when it comes to ground work, this doesn't stop him from wearing an expression as if a cockroach has just crawled out of his ice-cream any time a colleague inexplicably fails to run 50 yards in two seconds to prevent a boundary. Long hop slapped for four? Grumble at midwicket. Half-volley driven through the covers? Harrumph at mid-off. Global warming? Blame Dinesh Karthik. Dear Munaf went unsold for last year's IPL, and sadly for lovers of elite-level frowning everywhere, he also won't be involved this time either. Who can step up to wear his crown of thorny looks?
Current holder: Munaf Patel
Munaf Patel is a World Cup winner and off the field comes across as a humble and charming man. On it, he's one of the moodiest on the planet, with a teapot collection to rival that of even Stuart Broad. Although the ex-Mumbai Indians quick is himself not the sprightliest when it comes to ground work, this doesn't stop him from wearing an expression as if a cockroach has just crawled out of his ice-cream any time a colleague inexplicably fails to run 50 yards in two seconds to prevent a boundary. Long hop slapped for four? Grumble at midwicket. Half-volley driven through the covers? Harrumph at mid-off. Global warming? Blame Dinesh Karthik. Dear Munaf went unsold for last year's IPL, and sadly for lovers of elite-level frowning everywhere, he also won't be involved this time either. Who can step up to wear his crown of thorny looks?
Most likely record-breaker: Virat Kohli, Sourav Ganguly, anyone at CSK who understandably gets a bit fed up with Dwayne Bravo's silly dancing.
Most nostalgia-tinged selection error
Current holders: Mumbai Indians (for Sachin Tendulkar and Ricky Ponting)
Quite a few IPL owners tend to take, at best, a rather intriguing approach to buying players, with squads regularly featuring some of the oddest choices since Wayne Parnell last had a haircut. Granted, on paper the Pondulkar pairing of IPL6 looked quite mouth-watering, but sadly on an actual cricket pitch it was less edifying than a sandwich composed of actual sand, as they regularly produced starts that made the average Alastair Cook innings look quite nippy. That Mumbai actually won the tournament was despite rather than because of two of the game's greatest ever maestros, who sometimes looked more out of place than a bikini at a funeral.
Current holders: Mumbai Indians (for Sachin Tendulkar and Ricky Ponting)
Quite a few IPL owners tend to take, at best, a rather intriguing approach to buying players, with squads regularly featuring some of the oddest choices since Wayne Parnell last had a haircut. Granted, on paper the Pondulkar pairing of IPL6 looked quite mouth-watering, but sadly on an actual cricket pitch it was less edifying than a sandwich composed of actual sand, as they regularly produced starts that made the average Alastair Cook innings look quite nippy. That Mumbai actually won the tournament was despite rather than because of two of the game's greatest ever maestros, who sometimes looked more out of place than a bikini at a funeral.
Most likely record-breaker: Brad Hogg, Mike Hussey, Sunil Gavaskar.
Most unlikely spectator
Current holder: The Dalai Lama
Apart from a Pakistan player, the person you'd least expect to see involved in an IPL game is His Holiness. Calm, peace and serenity - the traits we perhaps most associate with the man - aren't always immediately apparent during the average match, with participants regularly making the cast of Mean Girls look sweet and charming. Yet the Tibetan leader has actually attended the odd King's XI game in Dharamsala, despite admitting during an in-match interview that he knew "zero" about cricket, making him perfectly placed for a job at the ECB should the opportunity arise. It's not clear if his attendance can ever be topped, but, like a Delhi Daredevils fan, we live in hope.
Current holder: The Dalai Lama
Apart from a Pakistan player, the person you'd least expect to see involved in an IPL game is His Holiness. Calm, peace and serenity - the traits we perhaps most associate with the man - aren't always immediately apparent during the average match, with participants regularly making the cast of Mean Girls look sweet and charming. Yet the Tibetan leader has actually attended the odd King's XI game in Dharamsala, despite admitting during an in-match interview that he knew "zero" about cricket, making him perfectly placed for a job at the ECB should the opportunity arise. It's not clear if his attendance can ever be topped, but, like a Delhi Daredevils fan, we live in hope.
Most likely record breaker: Barack Obama, Paul Downton, Xi Jinping.
James Marsh writes Pavilion Opinions. He is also a Tefl teacher whose students learn superlatives by being shown Graham Thorpe videos