When in Rome
Don't whine, don't panic and for God's sake get the toss right, Lawrence Booth advises Nasser and Co.
In Pakistan and Sri Lanka last year, England had one bowler per series to worry about: first Saqlain Mushtaq, then Muttiah Muralitharan. Now they have two. Attrition worked when Danish Kaneria or Kumara Dharmasena were loosening the noose at the other end, but Anil Kumble and Harbhajan Singh will look to tighten in tandem. England must take a leaf out of Andy Flower's book and attack the spinners by using their feet. In six innings in India Flower has twinkled, two-stepped and tip-toed his way to 115, 62*, 183*, 70, 55 and 232*: that's 717 runs at an uber-Bradman average of 239. England must hit down the ground too. With the exception of Matthew Hayden, Australia perished by trying to mow Harbhajan across the line, so unless you can sweep (or reverse-sweep) as well as Flower, you're better off with a vertical bat rather than a horizontal one. Nasser Hussain, Graham Thorpe and Craig White should be designated Upsetters-in-Chief. It doesn't matter how much the ball is turning if you turn every one into a half-volley.
One of the driving forces behind England's 3-1 triumph in 1976-77 was captain Tony Greig. "I encouraged everyone to embrace the culture," he remembers fondly. "And I certainly tried to lead the way. It's not difficult to embrace the love that Indians have for cricket. You feel like an entertainer from the moment you arrive at a ground." It makes you wonder why Greig wasn't paid by the ECB to fly over from Australia to have a quiet word with Andy Caddick and Robert Croft. The siege mentality must be avoided. The local menu might not include eggs, chips and beans, but if England don't broaden their horizons off the field, they're less likely to prosper on it. That means soaking up the hero worship too: Greig would get the crowd on his side with a few well-timed theatrical bows. Nasser Hussain is less of a showman, but at least he was born in Madras. And if a semi-native can't persuade his players that India has more to offer than poverty and elephants (see Phil Tufnell), then England may as well have stayed at home.
England's game plan of attrition in Pakistan and Sri Lanka centred on their batsmen. This time it's the bowlers' turn to wow the thinking fan. The question is this: how are they going to dismiss twice a middle order that contains VVS Laxman (who averages 41 in India), Rahul Dravid (51), Sachin Tendulkar (62) and Sourav Ganguly (41)? They can go about it in two ways. The first is to target each individual's weakness. Laxman often gets stuck in his crease; Dravid sometimes gets bogged down; Tendulkar occasionally gets himself out; and Ganguly always gets twitchy against the short ball. England's second option is to do a Zimbabwe. At Harare in June the Zims frustrated India's strokemakers by bowling wide of off stump. India panicked, lost 7 for 37 - and with it the match. The one thing England must not do is panic themselves, because the only major Test team that collapses as often as they do is...India.
Hussain's maths-defying run of bad luck with the toss - 2 out of 22 correct calls in all internationals - has to change. England's best hope lies in dictating terms from the start, so Nasser has to stop calling heads, bowl first at seamer-friendly Mohali - which might be more of a home game for England - and then bat India out of the game at Ahmedabad and Bangalore. Otherwise it will be a case of tails, we might win, heads, we definitely won't.
Lawrence Booth writes on cricket for the Daily Mail. His fourth book, What Are The Butchers For? And Other Splendid Cricket Quotations, is published in October 2009 by A&C Black