September 28, 2009

McCullum

Brendon McCullum is innocent

Andrew Hughes


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Good evening. My name is Sir Charles Parasite of legal firm Parasite and Leach (London branch). I am writing on behalf of my client, a Mr Hughes, who wishes me to make the following statement:

In an article published on Page 2 of the world famous (note: check this) Cricinfo site, my client made reference to a Mr Brendon McCullum (henceforth known as “Baz”). During the course of what my client assures me was a hilarious piece of writing (note: check this), he may have unwittingly and entirely without malice insinuated that Baz was an unsavoury character, a troublemaker and a danger to society.

My client had been acting on information received from what he believed was a reliable source, suggesting that Baz had been attempting to exploit a loophole by not signing his Cricket New Zealand contract. It would not be fair to reveal the identity of that source, although we can confirm that the individual concerned is believed to be prominent in the tournament-organising industry and that his surname starts with Modi. Mr Hughes would like it to be known that he now believes that Baz did not delay the signing of his contract and that even if he had done (which he didn’t) it would have been for the good of the game.

Mr Hughes would also like to place on record that the Black Caps are always his favourite losing semi-finalists, would remind the public of his tireless work on behalf of temporarily incapacitated New Zealand cricketers in the wake of the Grant Elliot affair, and above all would like it to be known that he is second to none in his admiration for Baz’s ability to hit a little ball in various directions.

On a legal note, I would like to add at this point that here at Parasite and Leach, we are firm believers in the principle of freedom of speech. Nevertheless, any further comments suggesting that my client is a) incompetent, b) illiterate or c) Australian, will be referred to our Wellington branch and the originators of said comments detained under the Prevention of Irritation to Cricket Writers Act 2009.

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Posted by Anonymous on (September 29, 2009, 1:16 GMT)

Haha you sir, are hilarious. I'm definitely enjoying the hard hitting journalism that is the Long Handle.

Posted by Dave Miles on (September 28, 2009, 20:40 GMT)

New Zealanders are becoming increasingly sceptical of Brendons motivation, ability, and even sportsmanship. Is he really the type of man we want as vice captain? What is he teaching the younger players about the value of playing for one's country? Personally, I have not been a fan of his since the "cheap" running out of Murali in NZ a couple seasons ago. He is increasingly living on past glory and take away his top scores against minnows he has very average stats. I, for one, would not be overly disappointed to see him find such loopholes, and go off to "free agent land" and leave the real cricket for men who place the honour of representing NZ ahead of the mighty rupee..

Posted by Hameed Malik on (September 28, 2009, 14:16 GMT)

I think this is meant to be funny, maybe not. But it fails if it is.

Posted by Max on (September 28, 2009, 12:45 GMT)

Brendan (Baz) McCullum's the man enuf sed, proud kiwi supporta even tho results havent been going our way good win lastnite tho

Posted by Ahdil on (September 28, 2009, 12:41 GMT)

Phil Hughes, out of the Australian team, has come to post on Mr. Hughes' lawyer's article.

Intersting. I agree that we need more hair.

Posted by Peter on (September 28, 2009, 12:31 GMT)

This looks like an attempt to shore up the poorly written article about hair and tattoos.

Not only was the first article off the mark but now you are trying to say that calling Baz a trouble maker was an attempt at being funny.

Too much pointless writing and not enough meat in your sandwich.

Posted by Mark Leonard on (September 28, 2009, 12:17 GMT)

Shouldnt this be on your Twitter account Mr Hughes? Baz will come good for us Kiwis. It's about time we picked up something else over the Aussies. The league just doesnt seem tobe enough these days.

Posted by Phil Hughes on (September 28, 2009, 10:55 GMT)

Nice, my big brother's name is Andrew Hughes and he is indeed Australian, however I doubt he would be making any comments regarding cricket as he is well off it. That being said Brendan (Baz) McCullum's ability to hit balls very far should be respected, I only wish he'd do it more often during big tournaments as I do like seeing the black caps doing well (provided they are not beating the aforementioned Australia). All the best with the legal proceedings.

Posted by saad ahmed on (September 28, 2009, 10:30 GMT)

did i missed something? cuz i cannot make anything out of this column?? was there some kind of fight around here??

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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