McCullum September 28, 2009

Brendon McCullum is innocent


Not, repeat, not Satan © Getty Images

Good evening. My name is Sir Charles Parasite of legal firm Parasite and Leach (London branch). I am writing on behalf of my client, a Mr Hughes, who wishes me to make the following statement:

In an article published on Page 2 of the world famous (note: check this) Cricinfo site, my client made reference to a Mr Brendon McCullum (henceforth known as “Baz”). During the course of what my client assures me was a hilarious piece of writing (note: check this), he may have unwittingly and entirely without malice insinuated that Baz was an unsavoury character, a troublemaker and a danger to society.

My client had been acting on information received from what he believed was a reliable source, suggesting that Baz had been attempting to exploit a loophole by not signing his Cricket New Zealand contract. It would not be fair to reveal the identity of that source, although we can confirm that the individual concerned is believed to be prominent in the tournament-organising industry and that his surname starts with Modi. Mr Hughes would like it to be known that he now believes that Baz did not delay the signing of his contract and that even if he had done (which he didn’t) it would have been for the good of the game.

Mr Hughes would also like to place on record that the Black Caps are always his favourite losing semi-finalists, would remind the public of his tireless work on behalf of temporarily incapacitated New Zealand cricketers in the wake of the Grant Elliot affair, and above all would like it to be known that he is second to none in his admiration for Baz’s ability to hit a little ball in various directions.

On a legal note, I would like to add at this point that here at Parasite and Leach, we are firm believers in the principle of freedom of speech. Nevertheless, any further comments suggesting that my client is a) incompetent, b) illiterate or c) Australian, will be referred to our Wellington branch and the originators of said comments detained under the Prevention of Irritation to Cricket Writers Act 2009.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England