November 25, 2009

Lalit Modi

Pink shocker

Andrew Hughes


Insert “balls” joke here © Clare Skinner
Enlarge
 

Sunday morning is a tricky test for the cricket watcher and I’m afraid that, confronted with the glaring South African sun this Sabbath past, I flunked it. You see, I’d had rather a heavy week, cricket-wise, and was suffering from a bout of post-Ahmedabad fatigue. So with due apologies to the Right Hon Strauss, I excused myself from the televisual revels in Centurion and sloped off for an hour or two’s recuperation at my club. All I required was a plump leather armchair and the sports section of the Times and all would soon be right with the world. Alas, it was not to be.

“It’s a damned disgrace!” spluttered a voice from the armchair opposite. Stirred from my meditative state, I fetched Atherton’s latest piece from atop my weary visage to see Colonel Thrashem-Harde, his cheeks the hue of the West Indies one-day jersey, jabbing a stubby finger at his copy of the Telegraph.

“That’s a little harsh, Colonel,” I suggested, “Yer man Pringle’s doing his best.”

The Colonel regarded me with narrow-eyed suspicion, the same expression, I imagine, that greeted many an unwary tiger emerging from the undergrowth in the jungles of Borneo.

“Ah, there you are, Pugh, thought you’d sneaked off to watch that travesty in South Africa.”

“Certainly not, Colonel, wouldn’t dream of it. Dreadful stuff.”

“Glad to hear it,” he spluttered, “Pyjama cricket, that’s all it is. Disgraceful! Almost as bad as this fellow here,” he growled, stabbing at the paper once more.

“Christopher Martin-Jenkins?” I guessed.

“No, no, no! It’s that blighter Modi at it again,” said the Colonel.

I sighed inwardly. The vice-president of the BCCI was a regular source of torment for some of the older members of the club. I’m sure that since the advent of the IPL, the incidence of apoplexy amongst elderly retired gentlemen in London clubs has increased drastically.

“What has he done now, Colonel?” I asked, fearing the worst.

“I’ll tell you. He’s snatched our pink balls, that’s what he’s done. Damned if we weren’t going to use them at HQ next May.”

“I’m sure there’ll be plenty to go round,” I added, in a spirit of conciliation.

“Don’t be facetious, Pugh! It’s our blessed idea, the first idea we’ve come up with since 1787 and this bounder has stolen it!”

“Oh, I see what you mean,” I replied, scratching my head for a moment. “Well, perhaps you could try a different colour. Sunflower yellow perhaps? Or cerise?”

“Don’t be absurd! I’ve had my staff knocking these things up for weeks. The billiards room is full of the blighters. And of course, if we use them now, it’ll look like we’re copying the Tanzanian Premier League, or whatever they call it. We’ll look second-rate, Pugh, like a bunch of slow-witted amateurs, incapable of an original thought!”

“Indeed, Colonel.”

“That Modi has a lot to answer for. If you ask me, it’s Packer all over again! If I were a hundred years younger, Pugh, I’d….”

At that point, unable to hold back the swelling tides of indignance, the Colonel’s habitual splutter bloomed into a phlegmy coughing fit that required the assistance of two of the club stewards and an emergency dose of Chateau Haut-Brion. Fortunately, the ensuing melee enabled me to make a rapid exit, leaving the Colonel blowing angry bubbles into his wine glass and muttering ominously about Rhodesia.

On my way home, I reflected on the Colonel’s predicament. It is hard not to feel sorry for the MCC. They are doing their best. They only dreamed up this pink ball wheeze a couple of years back, and in MCC time, two years is a mere blink of an eye, a flutter of a butterfly’s wings. After all, this club took 212 years to agree to permit women to enter its pavilion during play.

Then, as I drove through the gates of Hughes Hall, a solution presented itself. Why not invite Lord Modi to become an honorary member of the MCC? Once he had a strip of the old egg and bacon around his neck and a drop or two of decent brandy inside him, I’m sure he’d slow down a bit and then the cricket world could return to a more sedate, manageable, MCC kind of pace. And perhaps then a chap might be able to get a bit of shut-eye of a Sunday without being perturbed by belligerent ex-Army officers.

On the way to my study, I did briefly check on the state of play in Centurion, but for some reason the scorecard was showing a thumping England win. Naturally, I assumed that there was some kind of technical fault, paid it no further thought and settled down with a glass of malt and a sheet of my best writing paper.

“Dear Mr Modi…”

RELATED LINKS

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

RSS Feeds: Andrew Hughes

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Posted by Harish on (November 30, 2009, 1:57 GMT)

Oh Geez! P.G.Wodehouse is alive again.

Posted by Arvind on (November 29, 2009, 15:27 GMT)

Transparent balls are the best. They would help restore the balance in the "Batsman's game", as T20 is nicknamed, and also make winning the toss less important (It doesn't matter whether you bat in the daylight or under torchlight).

Posted by Mohan on (November 26, 2009, 4:40 GMT)

English clubs (or country houses), old gentlemen, lazy afternoons - there is something magical about this combination that humour results automatically. Delightful.

Posted by Ritchie McAlistair on (November 26, 2009, 4:11 GMT)

nice work mate... one of your best... Cheers!!!

Posted by Rajan on (November 25, 2009, 23:36 GMT)

How about yellow ball? They are used in tennis and are more visible than any other colour. I guess the sight screen can be painted black to provide perfect contrast.

Posted by VS on (November 25, 2009, 22:17 GMT)

Very well composed. You really stood apart by not bringing down Mr. Modi, but yet managing to put things in perspective. Great column. Thanks :)

Posted by saif on (November 25, 2009, 19:40 GMT)

hey. I live in Canada and here i play with league name edcl last year we used pink balls too an a new innovation i guess. even tho we had preferred white balls over pink for some reason the entire league seemed to like plaing pink balls. i kno its not conventional and kind of away from original cricekt but it wasnt a bad experience so im afraid u guys will like ending up too

Posted by Sai Bharadwaj on (November 25, 2009, 19:10 GMT)

Am from India & I feel ashamed the way our BCCI is trying to dominate other cricket boards. There is one more to this,they are snatching players freedom of expression - freedom to play cricket. Most of their ideas are copied ideas....for an example, IPL from EPL & ICL...now this pink cricket balls. They could have suggested pink cricket balls to ICC long back (As ICC nods to whatever BCCI says)...but, instead...they want to use it on their own commercial version of game. Lalit Modi as far as I think is a projected image...He is being shown as the show runner...but, the real guys are definitely hiding. They knw if anything goes wrong, it doesn't fell on them ...it wud hit the butt of Lalit Modi (sooner or later). Watch out Modi!

Posted by bluevj on (November 25, 2009, 18:10 GMT)

Does anyone know if these pink (or neon green or aqua) balls are sold in London?

Posted by Venkata Nanduri on (November 25, 2009, 17:40 GMT)

Nice sense of humor. I am only scared that Lalit Modi would turn MCC into IPL mode ;)

Comments have now been closed for this article

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

All articles by this writer