January 9, 2010

England

Hail Colly, you brave pickle-jar lid

Andrew Hughes


Paul Collingwood rues not having been born in the days of timeless Tests © Getty Images
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It is said that if you open any book by Cardus to any page, you will find what it is that you are looking for. By whom is it said? Well, by me, just now. Such is the genius of the great man’s writing, you may not even known what it is you are looking for until you find it. This morning, for example, I picked up my battered copy of The Summer Game, allowed the pages to fall open and came across the following:

“No lover of the game has a ghost of a reason for protesting against true and natural obstinacy at cricket.”

Quite right, Neville, straight out of the middle. As everyone knows, not losing is the essence of cricket. And the key to not losing is sheer, unvarnished, pig-headedness. Duncan Fletcher talks a lot about coming to the party. But he’s only telling us half the story. Cricket isn’t about coming to the party, it’s about refusing to leave the party, even when the other guests have gone home, there is nothing left to drink and the police are hammering on the door.

Ah, you might say, but what about Pakistan? Surely, they lost in Sydney precisely because they were trying not to lose. Not true, say I. Pakistan lost because they were trying to be too clever. Mohammad Yousuf has been incorrectly portrayed as a cautious skipper. That is a naïve view. His innovative in-out field (two men in, nine men out) was designed to puzzle Hussey and Siddle, which it did, to such an extent that they could only stagger the occasional bewildered run or 90.

But it was too clever. Pakistan were trying to fashion a delicate creation, a victory soufflé, when what they needed was something altogether stodgier and Durham-like. What they needed was a dose of Collingwood. Now, admittedly, the ginger-haired one is not a guru of grind - like, for example, the great Chris Tavaré . Tavaré’s Zen-like style has never been surpassed. He was rather like a knitter who only knows how to do scarves and so goes on row after row, knit one, pearl one, block one. Unfortunately, there is only so much scarf, or indeed Tavaré that you need.

But if Tavaré was the blocker’s blocker, Collingwood is a natural stonewaller, a man who only starts playing when the rest of the team have checked out of their hotel. Whilst Australians are at their best when sniffing victory, the English cricketer tends to rise to the occasion only when victory is completely out of the question. I was not privileged enough to see Ken Barrington play but my father speaks of him as a steadfast occupier of the crease. He was a rock, a cliff face; immovable, impassable.

By contrast, Colly is a lid on a jar of pickles. Not as awe-inspiring as rock face, I’ll grant you, but just as capable of defeating even the boldest opponent. No matter how hard you wrench, or pull or hit it with the blunt end of a screwdriver, the Collylid cannot be popped. You grunt and groan and roar with exasperation until in the end, your arms are tired, your hands are red raw and you drop the jar on the sideboard absent-mindedly, whereupon the lid pops off with a sigh. But it’s too late. You don’t care about pickles any more. In fact, you can’t bear the sight of them, and so you stomp off muttering something about lid-tampering.

I’ve never played cricket with Paul Collingwood, not even in my dreams, so I don’t know what it is like to see him plop your very best deliveries back into the dust like fizzled out fireworks. I imagine it isn’t much fun. I expect that when he closes his eyes, Dale Steyn can even now see that Colly crouch, that tap-tapping of the bat and that bow-legged forward poke from a shuffleboard player’s back lift. Block, tap, block, leave, block, tap. Repeat 276 times. Wrestling crocodiles was nothing compared to attempting to dislodge the obstinate Geordie.

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Posted by Hammo on (January 14, 2010, 3:37 GMT)

As an Australian Cricket fan, I understand your somewhat misguided admiration for Collingwood. The name, I must point out is an unfortunate burden for any bloke to carry through life, as it is also the name of the most hated Aussie Rules Football team in our land. As if this was not enough, the poor, pale, little ginger with the funny accent is an average, uninspiring batman. Early in his 206 run innings at the Adelaide Oval during the 06/07 ashes series I decided that I hated him and he was killing the game. However watching his innings progress, I must admit that I too grew to admire this little guy carrying his burdens - how could someone with such limited batting talent play such an innings? His test match avg. 43 confirms that batting has as more to do attitude, mental strength and tenacity, than skill and ability. Something that the current crop of pretty boys wearing (stolen?) baggy green caps need to learn from this little man with more than his share of lifes burdens.

Posted by Junaid on (January 12, 2010, 11:19 GMT)

Yes, the comments on the Broad article were closed just in time. I wonder why?

Posted by I_HateSunny on (January 12, 2010, 10:35 GMT)

SunnyForPresident - How can you expect Andrew to write about everything? wait for Tendulkar to clean the seam next time, then Andrew will write about ball tampering.

Posted by SunnyForPresident on (January 11, 2010, 21:21 GMT)

Forget about Colly (good chap, soft spoken etc. etc.), what about the ball tampering I ask?

:)

Posted by Smudge on (January 11, 2010, 15:56 GMT)

It is a bit harsh on Colly just to be regarded as a stolid blocker. If I remember rightly , he also has the record for the fasted ever ODI 50 by and Englishman.

Other posters are correct, he is not a Geordie and I doubt would thank you for calling him one.

Posted by Magnus on (January 11, 2010, 15:05 GMT)

for a Saffer to say this is a big thing, but Colly is one of my most favourite cricketers! well done to him! hope he does not manage this at the wanderes.

Posted by Scott McHugh on (January 11, 2010, 13:35 GMT)

Great fan piece Andrew! We English don't want boring Pontings, Tendulkars or Laras. We want underachievers, overachievers, battlers, bottlers the lot. That's the true nature of being English!

Posted by clive dixon on (January 11, 2010, 10:04 GMT)

If England can claim Collingwood is a great batsman.they can also claim the prize for sportmanship!He is awful to watch,so ugly,at least Graeme Smith is a left hander--- which makes some shots astheticly pleasing.Collingwood should be churning butter into cheese.He is no Dravid!!!!

As for the ball tampering stories,remember your great son,M.Atherton!Where ther is smoke there is fire---- ask Michael Vaughn,no one pressed him to comment.As for Broad,well, his father should put him on the naughty step and give him a lecture.If I was his bowling team mate,he wouldnt be on my christmas card list.To bawl them out for fielding badly and then do the excact same thing,well,its just not cricket,is it? England should practice what they preach,on and off the field!

Posted by Tony Scott on (January 11, 2010, 9:03 GMT)

Collingwood is one of my all time favourites. A gentleman as well... Look how far away he was from the two englishmen tampering the ball during last test match.

Posted by lance cairns on (January 11, 2010, 8:17 GMT)

Anybody who is good enough to play in theNYSD league would not be surprised by Pauls efforts and I bet he had a pint or two afterwards.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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