England v India 2011 August 13, 2011

Terminator 5, starring the England team

Ruthlessness that can be packaged into a Hollywood summer blockbuster
16

Tuesday, 9th August It seems that Kamran Akmal is being shunted out of the Pakistan team, an incredibly short-sighted move that can only have been taken by the kind of narrow-minded person who obsesses over trivial details like runs and catches. Yes he’s dropped a clanger or seven over the years but he was never dull, and he had an astonishingly brutal cover drive. Like Hot Spot, he doesn’t always function as intended but cricket is less entertaining without him.

Thursday, 11th August Xavier Doherty has packed a decade and a half’s worth of disillusionment into eight months. A sudden and unexpected promotion, a short but eventful Test career and already he’s concentrating on one-day cricket. In six months time he’ll be restricting himself to Twenty20, applying to go on Masterchef Australia and accepting an invitation to join the crack commentary firm of Heals, Tubs and Slats Ltd.

Being an Australian spinner must be like auditioning for one of those reality talent shows. You rehearse for months, you get a telephone call out of the blue, and then when you’re on the stage, you’ve only got 30 seconds to do your thing. One bum note or unintentional long hop, the buzzers sound and off you go. Bye bye, Xavier, you’re not quite right for us. Come back and try again next year.

He has today humbly suggested that perhaps Australian spinners need to be given longer than say, a couple of sessions, to prove themselves in the national team. Shane Warne took four wickets and averaged 96 in his first four Tests. Would Hilditch, Chappell and chums have given him a fifth?

Friday, 12th August So England grind on with the relentless efficiency of an automatic coffee-grinding machine set to “relentless”. Strauss and Co are now a byword for ruthlessness and the inspiration for the new film Terminator 5: The Rise Up The Rankings in which a team of deadly androids with sensible hair cuts travel back in time to destroy the careers of leading Indian cricketers by making them look silly.

Now I’m not saying that the England cricketers are soulless killing machines without consciences. But they are freakishly tall. And they often wear sunglasses. All summer long they have been bulldozing through the picturesque and hitherto undisturbed valley of India’s reputation like a gang of construction workers without planning permission building a six-lane motorway.

And now with only seven, or more likely five, or possibly even four days left in this series, India’s chances of being able to go home without having to wear disguises depends on three unlikely eventualities:

1. Rahul Dravid not getting out again

2. Conveniently timed precipitation of Biblical proportions

3. English overconfidence on the brink of victory, of the kind that once enabled the tortoise to win an unlikely 10,000-metre gold medal at the 1904 Olympics.

This last hope is a particularly forlorn one. The English hare has been working with a leaping endurance coach and is on a high-energy carrot-based diet. Having hit the ground running, he’s determined to push on to the line and indeed beyond it, and there appears to be very little chance of him ducking behind a tree for forty winks any time soon.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • waterbuffalo on August 29, 2011, 16:20 GMT

    For the Pakistanis banging on about Kamran Akmal, I agree , he shouldn't keep wicket, but surely he is a better opener than Taufeeq(useless) and Hafeez (super useless). I might add that the Pakistani middle order is pretty shaky,too, with even Zimbabwe giving them a hard time. Kamran should bat and he is entertaining.

  • Saurab on August 18, 2011, 13:57 GMT

    "All summer long they have been bulldozing through the picturesque and hitherto undisturbed valley of India’s reputation like a gang of construction workers without planning permission building a six-lane motorway"....GEM!!

  • Ehsan on August 15, 2011, 5:47 GMT

    Cook, Strauss, Pietersen, Bell & Prior have faced great bowlers like Warne, Gillespie, McGrath, Lee (when he was at his best) and played an Australian side who were absolutely fantastic, similarly, Anderson bowled to batsmen like Gilchrist, Hayden, Waughs, Ponting, Martyn, Langer etc., point is an extremely tough opposition has helped England to be what they are now after all these greats left.

  • Rommel... on August 15, 2011, 2:45 GMT

    Classic article Andrew... Some wonderfully witty comments... There certainly will be a huge void left in Pakistan & world cricket as an absence of Kamran Akmal missed stumpings as the batsmen is already half way back to the pavillion will be sorely missed by fans & punters alike. Xavier Doherty's ability to compact a decade and half's worth of utter disillusionment into eight tempestuous months is something that the average NZ cricket fan can also relate to. Although in fairness I must reiterate that the past 2 months for NZ cricket has been unbelievably successful. In this monumental period there has been no humilating innings defeats, no injury crisis to all our 120kph-127.5kph express bowlers & Ross Taylor, B-Mac and Shake Wright were all seen out together showing to the public they can all potentially work together. This is very encouraging news. NZC is confident they can now take Bangladesh or Zimbabwe deep into the 5th day of our next test fixture and perhaps force a result.

  • Ankur on August 14, 2011, 16:45 GMT

    its ture

  • Zeeshan on August 14, 2011, 15:35 GMT

    Great Article. Very Entertaining

  • Anonymous on August 14, 2011, 12:36 GMT

    very boor

  • Sorcerer on August 14, 2011, 10:38 GMT

    Mighty enjoyable the read on English trampling Indian cricketers!

  • zaky on August 14, 2011, 10:06 GMT

    poor,poor doherty. At least he's spared the misery of being dropped just as he was starting to get into his rhythym..oh wait..

  • Hamza Naveed on August 13, 2011, 18:59 GMT

    Actually the first portion about Kamran Akmal is very right. Its not at all comical. He's one of the entertaining players we have playing international cricket. Weather he performs or he does not! Entertainment is guaranteed for either side.

  • waterbuffalo on August 29, 2011, 16:20 GMT

    For the Pakistanis banging on about Kamran Akmal, I agree , he shouldn't keep wicket, but surely he is a better opener than Taufeeq(useless) and Hafeez (super useless). I might add that the Pakistani middle order is pretty shaky,too, with even Zimbabwe giving them a hard time. Kamran should bat and he is entertaining.

  • Saurab on August 18, 2011, 13:57 GMT

    "All summer long they have been bulldozing through the picturesque and hitherto undisturbed valley of India’s reputation like a gang of construction workers without planning permission building a six-lane motorway"....GEM!!

  • Ehsan on August 15, 2011, 5:47 GMT

    Cook, Strauss, Pietersen, Bell & Prior have faced great bowlers like Warne, Gillespie, McGrath, Lee (when he was at his best) and played an Australian side who were absolutely fantastic, similarly, Anderson bowled to batsmen like Gilchrist, Hayden, Waughs, Ponting, Martyn, Langer etc., point is an extremely tough opposition has helped England to be what they are now after all these greats left.

  • Rommel... on August 15, 2011, 2:45 GMT

    Classic article Andrew... Some wonderfully witty comments... There certainly will be a huge void left in Pakistan & world cricket as an absence of Kamran Akmal missed stumpings as the batsmen is already half way back to the pavillion will be sorely missed by fans & punters alike. Xavier Doherty's ability to compact a decade and half's worth of utter disillusionment into eight tempestuous months is something that the average NZ cricket fan can also relate to. Although in fairness I must reiterate that the past 2 months for NZ cricket has been unbelievably successful. In this monumental period there has been no humilating innings defeats, no injury crisis to all our 120kph-127.5kph express bowlers & Ross Taylor, B-Mac and Shake Wright were all seen out together showing to the public they can all potentially work together. This is very encouraging news. NZC is confident they can now take Bangladesh or Zimbabwe deep into the 5th day of our next test fixture and perhaps force a result.

  • Ankur on August 14, 2011, 16:45 GMT

    its ture

  • Zeeshan on August 14, 2011, 15:35 GMT

    Great Article. Very Entertaining

  • Anonymous on August 14, 2011, 12:36 GMT

    very boor

  • Sorcerer on August 14, 2011, 10:38 GMT

    Mighty enjoyable the read on English trampling Indian cricketers!

  • zaky on August 14, 2011, 10:06 GMT

    poor,poor doherty. At least he's spared the misery of being dropped just as he was starting to get into his rhythym..oh wait..

  • Hamza Naveed on August 13, 2011, 18:59 GMT

    Actually the first portion about Kamran Akmal is very right. Its not at all comical. He's one of the entertaining players we have playing international cricket. Weather he performs or he does not! Entertainment is guaranteed for either side.

  • Farhan on August 13, 2011, 15:48 GMT

    @ Tuesday, 9th August Cricket might be less entertaining to people outside Pakistan without Kami, but it would be rather more entertaining for Pakistanis. As persisting someone only because he lifts the team (please check the drop catches record of any Paki-Kepper ever had) is his secondary job, someone fail to do the primary job, should be back to rectify the flaw(s).

    Fun fact: Kamran Akmal is the only keeper who shout NERVERMIND, NEVERMIND, ... after dropping sequel of catches....

  • anil on August 13, 2011, 15:29 GMT

    good article

  • Alti on August 13, 2011, 9:45 GMT

    Team of Immigrant's......lolz....except 4-5 Poms......whole team is made up of immigrant's....!

  • Jawwad Raza on August 13, 2011, 9:28 GMT

    about Kamran Akmal i like to comment: we pakistanis dont want to see him in our national cricket team. No matter how good is his cover drive or any other shots but he is a big time loser and doesnt deserve to be in team

  • MrPrez on August 13, 2011, 8:05 GMT

    'So England grind on with the relentless efficiency of an automatic coffee-grinding machine set to “relentless”. '

    Classic. This s one of your better ones, keep it up!

  • Raza on August 13, 2011, 7:58 GMT

    Ordinary!

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • Raza on August 13, 2011, 7:58 GMT

    Ordinary!

  • MrPrez on August 13, 2011, 8:05 GMT

    'So England grind on with the relentless efficiency of an automatic coffee-grinding machine set to “relentless”. '

    Classic. This s one of your better ones, keep it up!

  • Jawwad Raza on August 13, 2011, 9:28 GMT

    about Kamran Akmal i like to comment: we pakistanis dont want to see him in our national cricket team. No matter how good is his cover drive or any other shots but he is a big time loser and doesnt deserve to be in team

  • Alti on August 13, 2011, 9:45 GMT

    Team of Immigrant's......lolz....except 4-5 Poms......whole team is made up of immigrant's....!

  • anil on August 13, 2011, 15:29 GMT

    good article

  • Farhan on August 13, 2011, 15:48 GMT

    @ Tuesday, 9th August Cricket might be less entertaining to people outside Pakistan without Kami, but it would be rather more entertaining for Pakistanis. As persisting someone only because he lifts the team (please check the drop catches record of any Paki-Kepper ever had) is his secondary job, someone fail to do the primary job, should be back to rectify the flaw(s).

    Fun fact: Kamran Akmal is the only keeper who shout NERVERMIND, NEVERMIND, ... after dropping sequel of catches....

  • Hamza Naveed on August 13, 2011, 18:59 GMT

    Actually the first portion about Kamran Akmal is very right. Its not at all comical. He's one of the entertaining players we have playing international cricket. Weather he performs or he does not! Entertainment is guaranteed for either side.

  • zaky on August 14, 2011, 10:06 GMT

    poor,poor doherty. At least he's spared the misery of being dropped just as he was starting to get into his rhythym..oh wait..

  • Sorcerer on August 14, 2011, 10:38 GMT

    Mighty enjoyable the read on English trampling Indian cricketers!

  • Anonymous on August 14, 2011, 12:36 GMT

    very boor