December 3, 2011

Sri Lanka

The Sri Lankans' payment protest

Andrew Hughes
Pakistan's regional cricket associations' heads with PCB chief Zaka Ashraf, Lahore, November 2011
The PCB's committee that decides the number of Akmals to appear in each game  © PCB
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Wednesday, 30th November As Sri Lankan cricket’s temporary cash-flow crisis enters its 214th day, there’s good news for Tillakaratne, Kumar and friends, who have taken to living under the covers at the Premadasa Stadium, eating grass cuttings and burning Mahela’s spare bats to keep warm. The politicians are on the case.

“The sports ministry is making arrangements to resolve this issue,” said a man in a suit. “The players will be paid very soon. They need not worry.”

I suspect that if I hadn’t been paid since April, I would long ago have abandoned worry, worked my way steadily through perturbation, consternation, despair and hysteria and would by now be angrier than Jade Dernbach when he discovered that Craig Kieswetter had stolen the last wildebeest sausage at England’s annual braai.

It’s true that SLC doesn’t have a lot of spare cash at the moment, but that is not the players’ concern. Last spring I was a little short myself as I was waiting on an unpaid debt (I’d confessed to a friend that watching Sky’s cricket coverage often drove me to blasphemy and he’d wagered that he could endure a whole weekend of Gower and Botham without resorting to that kind of language. In the end, he did 20 minutes.)

Anyway, until he could stump up the money from his congregation, I was left in a bit of a hole, gas-bill wise. So I laid it all out to a cheerful sounding chap at the GasCorp call centre, assuring him that payment was most definitely imminent and that he was not to worry. At this news, he lost his call-handling joie de vivre, turned decidedly frosty and began to prophesise all manner of dire consequences of a legal nature.

And with hindsight, I can see his point. So it’s a minor miracle that Dilshan and chums have not yet downed bats, face guards and athletic supports and staged a sit-in, followed by a march around the outfield bearing placards. But then, perhaps I’m missing something. Perhaps their recent on-pitch debacles were a kind of protest and a pretty tasty threat too: pay up, SLC or the defeats keep on coming.

Thursday, 1st December The first PCB get-together of the post-Butt era was a great success. Everyone who is anyone in Pakistan cricket was there, Ramiz had a new hairdo, and a splendid time was had by all. Many of those present had fallen out with old Ijaz for one reason or another and hadn’t visited PCB Towers for months, so there was much catching up to do, and I have it on good authority that the gossip was of the juiciest quality.

In fact the whole affair turned into something of an epic. It lasted nine hours and we know this because they were trying out the new Alastair Cook egg timer, designed to measure interminable intervals of time. The device was upturned when Mr Ashraf politely coughed to signal play and by the time a third administrator had passed out and the meeting was declared closed, only half of the sand had fallen from the top of Alastair’s glass leg glance into Alastair’s glass boots.

Sadly, there was no time to decide on a new coach but there was an agreement in principle to create a committee to look into streamlining the committee-creation process, and a meeting was pencilled in for next month to discuss the desirability of monthly meetings.

Friday, 2nd December With a late entry for the 2011 Superfluous Sacrifice Award, Samit Patel has ruled himself out of next year’s IPL auction. He’s not the only one. I’ve also excused myself, as have the Dalai Lama, Newt Gingrich, the racehorse Kauto Star, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and Mrs Ethel Makepeace of 17, Elder Grove, Nantwich, who has a lot of knitting to get on with ahead of next April’s trip to Eastbourne and so has had to reluctantly decline an imaginary offer of $2m dollars from Rajasthan.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

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Posted by matthews on (December 3, 2011, 14:59 GMT)

doesn't amuse me a bit on the number of akmals to be included in a playing side, these are just tip of the funniest and ridiculous things PCB has done. some of them don't know how heavy a cricket ball is and don't know how to hold a cricket bat and become PCB members. shame on these characters who run cricket business

Posted by hussein on (December 3, 2011, 11:49 GMT)

hahaaaa you articles never fail to amuse me... the opener for the article is just pure genius "'eating grass cutting and burning Mahela’s spare bats to keep warm'' you just made my day

Posted by Ameya on (December 3, 2011, 11:37 GMT)

Yeah like Samit was seriously gonna get an IPL contract next season.. Awesome Andrew :-))) really good article

Posted by Matin on (December 3, 2011, 11:26 GMT)

Really good news for SriLankan crickter

Posted by Rishi on (December 3, 2011, 11:22 GMT)

funny

Posted by psps on (December 3, 2011, 8:33 GMT)

the last one is brilliant one of the best ever more than brilliant

Posted by junaid khan on (December 3, 2011, 8:28 GMT)

yo awesome article andrew , ''burning mahela's spare bats to keep warm '' LOL

Posted by manibharathi on (December 3, 2011, 8:26 GMT)

Is it real PCB committee.. Any way real fun

Posted by Tharindu on (December 3, 2011, 7:16 GMT)

The PCB's committee that decides the number of Akmals to appear in each game. HAHAHAHA! Reaaally Funny Andrew. HILARIOUS!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andrew Hughes
Andrew Hughes is a writer and avid cricket watcher who has always retained a healthy suspicion of professional sportsmen, and like any right-thinking person rates Neville Cardus more highly than Don Bradman. His latest book is available here and here @hughandrews73

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