August 1, 2012

Morne's Chihuahua

A boy and his dog are reunited; and five-ring frenzy takes over the UK
11

Saturday, 28th July I have a confession. Keep it under your hat, but I didn't watch the Olympic opening ceremony.

I know. As the nation enjoys one of its periodic bouts of hysteria, on account of a £9 billion extended sports day, admitting to an absence of enthusiasm for the whole business is a major faux pas; like announcing that you've just sold your children into slavery and are on your way to burn down Buckingham Palace (with all the corgis still inside).

But nothing can escape the grip of the all-consuming Olympiad and, as expected, the five-ring fanciers couldn't leave cricket alone. They don't want it in the Olympics itself, heavens no, but as they attempted to condense a nation's history into three hours, cricket was bound to be dragged into proceedings. Lo and behold, today I saw pictures that appeared to show 18th century country folk in silly hats lounging about in a mock field. Isn't this what cricket represents: the shire, the village green, the gentility of old England?

Well no, it isn't. Cricket took root in the cities, not the countryside. It was a bawdy, riotous pastime, regularly censured by puritans as a threat to public morals. One-day matches, raucous crowds, widespread cheating, illegal betting and unrestrained drinking are not modern abominations. They are part of cricket's DNA. So please can we ditch the village green, the parson and the blacksmith? We don't need these fairy stories anymore.

Monday, 30th July According to Allan Donald, Morne has his mongrel back. I don't know if he put an advert in the Yorkshire Evening Post or if Gary Kirsten has been roaming the streets of Leeds with doggy treats, but Morne and Fifi are reunited (for those interested in matters canine, Morne's mongrel is a quarter Chihuahua and wears a fetching diamante collar).

Anyway, apart from the shaggy dog story, Allan has also been telling us how much Morne has improved as a bowler. Or something like that:

"I think he has overstepped the line in terms of finding someone who wants to engage in a battle a little bit more."

I'm not completely sure, but I'm hoping this means that Morne has challenged Jesse to 12 rounds in the boxing ring, which, let's be honest, is a contest we'd all pay to see. I reckon Morne's extra reach gives him the edge, but one blow from the Ryder uppercut and the big fella would hit the canvas pretty quickly. Stopped in the fifth, I'd wager.

"He's learning all the time and he is starting to show us what lies on the other side of Morne Morkel."

An enormous Morne Morkel-shaped shadow, presumably. But whilst I've no idea what Allan is banging on about, whatever he's doing in the privacy of the South African dressing room is obviously working because Morne looks more like Joel Garner by the day. Perhaps if they are to counter the Morkel threat, Andrew Strauss needs to ditch the pedigree Labrador and get a mongrel of his own. A Yorkshire Terrier-pit bull cross, maybe. They could call it Geoffrey.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • adil on August 4, 2012, 13:10 GMT

    Superb stuff......wonder what pietersen would get to counter this mongrel?

  • Patrick Willis on August 2, 2012, 6:35 GMT

    bam! Like a bullet! Splendid piece, thank you.

  • Sai Prasad on August 2, 2012, 6:18 GMT

    LOL. I was waiting for someone to mock this mongrel pun and I am glad the best man for the job did it. "Yorjshire Terrier, Pit bull cross. They could call it Geoffrey". Hilarious stuff!

  • LongLeg on August 2, 2012, 5:02 GMT

    a Yorkshire Terrier-pit bull cross,named Geoffrey will probably turn out to be a rather selfish dog.

  • GM on August 1, 2012, 20:44 GMT

    You should be happy you didn't watch the opening ceremony. The production was pretty low standard (lower than we were asked to expect). Nice one about how cricket was played early on - hope they had more sense while designing the ceremony.

  • Addicted on August 1, 2012, 16:26 GMT

    Good humor as usual..................

  • Suman on August 1, 2012, 15:17 GMT

    absolutely hilarious....couldn't stop laughing for minutes :)

  • ish on August 1, 2012, 13:30 GMT

    rofl !

  • sanjeevi on August 1, 2012, 12:00 GMT

    ''They could call it Geoffrey'" takes the prize

  • Andrew Simoes on August 1, 2012, 9:57 GMT

    Genius. Absolute genius.

  • adil on August 4, 2012, 13:10 GMT

    Superb stuff......wonder what pietersen would get to counter this mongrel?

  • Patrick Willis on August 2, 2012, 6:35 GMT

    bam! Like a bullet! Splendid piece, thank you.

  • Sai Prasad on August 2, 2012, 6:18 GMT

    LOL. I was waiting for someone to mock this mongrel pun and I am glad the best man for the job did it. "Yorjshire Terrier, Pit bull cross. They could call it Geoffrey". Hilarious stuff!

  • LongLeg on August 2, 2012, 5:02 GMT

    a Yorkshire Terrier-pit bull cross,named Geoffrey will probably turn out to be a rather selfish dog.

  • GM on August 1, 2012, 20:44 GMT

    You should be happy you didn't watch the opening ceremony. The production was pretty low standard (lower than we were asked to expect). Nice one about how cricket was played early on - hope they had more sense while designing the ceremony.

  • Addicted on August 1, 2012, 16:26 GMT

    Good humor as usual..................

  • Suman on August 1, 2012, 15:17 GMT

    absolutely hilarious....couldn't stop laughing for minutes :)

  • ish on August 1, 2012, 13:30 GMT

    rofl !

  • sanjeevi on August 1, 2012, 12:00 GMT

    ''They could call it Geoffrey'" takes the prize

  • Andrew Simoes on August 1, 2012, 9:57 GMT

    Genius. Absolute genius.

  • Arjun on August 1, 2012, 8:35 GMT

    “I think he has overstepped the line in terms of finding someone who wants to engage in a battle a little bit more.”

    Sounds like a line from Dark Knight Rises! Just what does it mean, Donald?!

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  • Arjun on August 1, 2012, 8:35 GMT

    “I think he has overstepped the line in terms of finding someone who wants to engage in a battle a little bit more.”

    Sounds like a line from Dark Knight Rises! Just what does it mean, Donald?!

  • Andrew Simoes on August 1, 2012, 9:57 GMT

    Genius. Absolute genius.

  • sanjeevi on August 1, 2012, 12:00 GMT

    ''They could call it Geoffrey'" takes the prize

  • ish on August 1, 2012, 13:30 GMT

    rofl !

  • Suman on August 1, 2012, 15:17 GMT

    absolutely hilarious....couldn't stop laughing for minutes :)

  • Addicted on August 1, 2012, 16:26 GMT

    Good humor as usual..................

  • GM on August 1, 2012, 20:44 GMT

    You should be happy you didn't watch the opening ceremony. The production was pretty low standard (lower than we were asked to expect). Nice one about how cricket was played early on - hope they had more sense while designing the ceremony.

  • LongLeg on August 2, 2012, 5:02 GMT

    a Yorkshire Terrier-pit bull cross,named Geoffrey will probably turn out to be a rather selfish dog.

  • Sai Prasad on August 2, 2012, 6:18 GMT

    LOL. I was waiting for someone to mock this mongrel pun and I am glad the best man for the job did it. "Yorjshire Terrier, Pit bull cross. They could call it Geoffrey". Hilarious stuff!

  • Patrick Willis on August 2, 2012, 6:35 GMT

    bam! Like a bullet! Splendid piece, thank you.