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The England dressing room is a dull place sans the likes of Freddie. Can some players step manfully up to the plate, please?

Alex Bowden

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Despite a desperate dive, Jonathan Trott was run out shortly after reaching his fifty, England v Pakistan, 2nd ODI, Headingley, September 12, 2010
Jonathan Trott demonstrates his party trick, marking his guard with both feet off the ground © Getty Images
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With Andrew Flintoff and Ryan Sidebottom both having retired from international cricket last week, England run the risk of being short of "characters". Only Graeme Swann does anything to keep them afloat. How could other team members contribute more to make up for this shortfall?

Andrew Strauss
Strauss could definitely make more of his "wing commander" reputation. The addition of a handlebar moustache is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing. This new quirky persona would also demand that he renounce all expressions of emotion. The open-mouthed cheering run from slip is starting to look a bit Baron Greenback these days anyway. Far better to adopt a stately walk before shaking hands with the bowler while sporting a benign yet inscrutable facial expression. Handshakes should be sufficiently evocative to express celebration, commiseration, glee, anger, disappointment and deep sadness at further allegations of match-fixing.

Kevin Pietersen
KP's thirst for love could be far more overt. Doing laps of the ground while waiting to bat, personally introducing himself to each and every fan is an option, but a tent offering free massages pitched on the outfield would be a better effort still.

Stuart Broad
Broad has been lazy, relying on his height to make him identifiable. Well, you can't do that now, Stuart. Steven Finn's playing the gangly bloke card and he falls over more than you do. If Broad's going to stick to expressing his individuality through physical means, perhaps he could develop an amusing walk. Fellow posh tall man John Cleese showed what can be done with the "Ministry of Silly Walks" sketch. However, that was merely acting. Broad needs to develop a comedy walk for real. Actor Timothy Olyphant's stroll-without-arm-movement might work even better delivered by a man of Broad's size. Get that man a Deadwood DVD. It might teach him some choice language for the Ashes as well.

Eoin Morgan
What's your thing, Morgan? Being the Irish one? Lazy. You're worse than Broad. And don't try claiming that having an unusual vowel cluster in your first name makes you a character either. This is international cricket, son - unusual vowel clusters are ten-a-paisa. Morgan's main attributes are having a surprising amount of power for such a small man, and having crazy, bendy wrists that defy the laws of physics. This is a good starting point. Given a little work, Morgan could easily become a fully functioning superhero - some sort of cross between Mighty Mouse and Mr Tickle.

Jonathan Trott
Trott may think that his elaborate guard-taking ritual makes him stand out from the crowd, but this shows a distinct lack of ambition. Jonathan Trott should work on developing full-blown obsessive compulsive disorder. We need to see Jonathan Trott striding to the crease in wet trousers that are straight out of the washing machine. We need to see him grassing catches because he refuses to use his bare hands on the cricket ball. If Jonathan Trott can set his mind towards acquiring the world's largest collection of cricket boxes, he'll be well on his way to being considered a character. If he gets timed out because James Anderson accidentally interrupted his pad-fastening ritual, he's probably made it. If he takes guard French cricket style to ensure perfect symmetry, he may have gone too far.

RSS FeedAlex Bowden blogs at King Cricket

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Comments: 11 
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Posted by Dimuthu on (October 2, 2010, 9:54 GMT)

this wasn't a side-splitter by any means, but PGW's analysis is hilarious. not that he's funny, but him disecting jokes like a scientist to see whether there is humour there or not is amusing

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 30, 2010, 18:32 GMT)

Well I rather enjoyed this article, a section on Jimmy Anderson looking like a character from Thunderbirds or Tim Bresnans flatulence wouldn't have gone amiss though!

Posted by Wim on (September 30, 2010, 17:58 GMT)

This piece is a waste of time. It is silly to the extreme.

Posted by John on (September 30, 2010, 15:25 GMT)

How about Graham Swann? Definite personality. Overall though, I'm not sure that Andy Flower is too fond of characters - I think he is trying to build a team in his own image and that means without egos. Eoin Morgan is a good example - he expresses himself through his performance, not histrionics. Good thing too.

Posted by Abraham on (September 30, 2010, 15:23 GMT)

What a boring piece ! Is the editor not 'editing' these before publishing ? I find the 'Quotes Unquotes' section pretty interesting though !

Posted by Andrew on (September 30, 2010, 13:47 GMT)

Hopefully the handshakefulness of Strauss' captaincy can see England put in a competitive effort at the ashes.

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 30, 2010, 13:16 GMT)

loving it.. broad and finn clearly have a long way to go - they are too pretty to be any good at all for the game. take a hint from india - we've got sreesanth and ishant sharma. and honestly, as one formidable blogger once said, sreesanth's break dance moves alone can break an opposition's spirit in a way anderson's outswingers never can..

@PGW81 - three words mate: Get. A. Life.

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 30, 2010, 8:59 GMT)

@PGW81 The usual comment from the sense-of-humour-challenged dullard. I thought this was very funny.

Posted by Dummy4 on (September 30, 2010, 8:45 GMT)

@PGW81 The usual comment from the sense-of-humour-challenged dullard. I thought this was very funny.

Posted by WODEHOUSE on (September 30, 2010, 8:31 GMT)

This is only my personal opinion. See how the authors fare : IMRAN YUSUF : Dishes out only Pakistani flavours. But is relatively better than the others. Light humour and good choice of topics. ANAND RAMACHANDRAN: Blow hot and cold, sometimes utter crap, sometime good rollicking stuff - on the whole he passes muster. Andrew Hughes : Used to try to create fictionary dance sequences by cricketers et al, but has changed to a sedentary style of late - does write some ok stuff but has taken a break from churning out crap.Alan Tyers : Has a good hold on the language but is churning our wry pieces. Expect some better stuff from him. ALEX BOWDEN: Sometimes a good piece, sometimes poor (like this one),but can definitely explore more on hot topics. on the whole these writers are a talented bunch, but waste time on some senseless attempts at trying to make people laugh -authors : making a cricketer perform dance is giggly not funny -get the message? reiterate that this is only a personal opinion

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