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Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

Saturday Night Auction Fever

A congregation of the unfortunate unsold

Alan Tyers

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Chris Gayle arrives for practice at the SSC, Colombo, November 21, 2010
Chris Gayle: who'll keep him in Gucci now? © AFP
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Series/Tournaments: England tour of Australia
Teams: Australia

Chris Gayle slumped over his laptop.

"Brian," he said. "Lara, man. Help me. Do you know how to recall an email?"

The Prince of Port-of-Spain jumped up. He felt a twinge in his back. He hobbled over, grimacing.

"I've still got it. There's still cricket in me," said Lara. Gingerly he lowered himself into the chair next to Gayle.

"You know that email I sent to the West Indies Cricket Board a while back?" said Gayle.

"Those chumps," muttered Lara. "Yeah, I remember."

Gayle clicked on the "sent" email.

"U can stick your captaincy and your contract - I'm gonna be rich, bitch!!!! IPL here I come!!!!! See ya later, losers."

Lara read it, nodding with approval.

"Good, modern effort that," he said. "Those guys were living in the past."

"Yeah," said Gayle. "Only, now I'm thinking, what with not getting bought in the auction, maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty."

Herschelle Gibbs came over.

"Ya, I know how you feel, bru," said Gibbs. "I would have been a brilliant ambassador for any IPL franchise. Can't believe my mixture of hard-hitting, hard-drinking and hardcore pornographic stories involving my former team-mates didn't tempt the bidders."

"The world's gone mad," agreed Lara. "Who wouldn't want the mental image of the South African late-nineties side on the job while they're reading the morning paper?"

"I tell you what's mad," said Luke Wright. "I'm a World Cup Twenty20 winner, and I can't get a gig?"

Lara, Gayle and Gibbs stared blankly.

"Erm, I'll have the steak medium rare and two bottles of Bacardi, please," said Gibbs to Wright.

"I think he's in the English team," hissed Lara.

Matt Prior joined in to support his colleague.

"And we've just won the bloody Ashes," said Prior. "The Ashes."

"Who was sponsoring that again?" asked Gayle. "Any money in it?"

Sourav Ganguly sauntered up. He regarded Prior benevolently.

"I hear the golfing facilities are quite acceptable here," said the God of the Off Side.

Prior looked excited. A chance to play golf with the legendary former Indian skipper! Probably in a golf cart!

"If you just go and fetch my clubs from the car, there might be an afternoon's work caddying, if you play your cards right."

Prior looked distraught.

"Oh well," he sighed. "A job's a job."

"Now, gentlemen," said Ganguly. "Brian, Christopher, Herschelle. It is a disgrace that we have not been purchased in the IPL. The world has clearly gone mad. I propose a solution: a breakaway league, funded by sponsorship or donations from cricketing fans and starring myself. I mean ourselves."

"Will there be girls?" asked Herschelle. "I love girls."

"Most certainly," said Ganguly.

"Will there be opportunities for going on strike?" asked Gayle.

Ganguly nodded.

"And adequate physiotherapy facilities?" asked Lara.

Ganguly confirmed that there would.

"Gentlemen," he said. "The world of cricket is our oyster. Join me, and we will all be rich. I give you the Sourav Premier League. The auction starts in five minutes."

RSS FeedCricket moneygrubbing and skullduggery, 1896 style, in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, a Victorian cricket annual by Alan Tyers and illustrated by Beach. Order here and here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Comments: 20 
Posted by   on (January 13, 2011, 0:34 GMT)

Hey , just because it didn't happen doesn't mean it's not true!

Posted by Itsallaboutcricket on (January 11, 2011, 6:36 GMT)

"Who was sponsoring that again?" asked Gayle. "Any money in it?" Lolxx, That the funniest part of it !! Nice article.

Posted by Ozcricketwriter on (January 11, 2011, 1:19 GMT)

Gayle just scored 60 off 32 balls in a T20 for Western Australia against New South Wales, the day he was up for auction, yet remained unsold. Surely price is the only factor. Surely for $100,000 he definitely would have been taken.

Posted by SagirParkar on (January 10, 2011, 19:48 GMT)

@ Mr Catwell.. the IPL is an entirely different kettle of fish.. international reputations and images do not count for much.. and it does NOT matter who won the T20...

the article though, is quite funny ! and i particularly liked the part where they ask Luke to get a steak and a couple of Bacardis ! totally inspired Mr Tyers !!! keep them coming ! and oh, can i have my steak well done please, Luke ;)

Posted by   on (January 10, 2011, 19:42 GMT)

So funny....Still searching what was hilarious in this blog....at last found the Author himself was :: LOL. Regarding SOURAV PREMIER LEAGUE(SPL)...Cheerleaders SRK and Juhee who will be jobless and movie less after the IPL loss.

Posted by pankajupadhyay on (January 10, 2011, 18:36 GMT)

The idea was good no doubt....A little more thought process would have nailed it....Nevertheless pretty good.... I enjoyed even being hard-core fan of ganguly :P

Posted by   on (January 10, 2011, 18:06 GMT)

hahaha this is great!! i still cant understand why lara and sourav just don't fully retire from all forms of the game!! i haven't seen dada hit a clean ball since god knows!! as for gayle, he is better of giving up west indies duties and sticking fully to ipl!!

Posted by   on (January 10, 2011, 16:11 GMT)

I don't find this funny at all ...and if the author did his research he would have realized that Christ Gale was a millionaire long before the IPL. What he should be asking is what is Yusuf Pathan going to produce for the 2 million that he is being paid and how will Gambhir stack up. Just a ploy to make Indians headliners and forget the pain that India endured at the hands of Christ Gale in the last T20 World cup. The wheels will slowly roll of the wagon..........Just a matter of time!

Posted by   on (January 10, 2011, 15:53 GMT)

very nice and creative,i wonder what they really said to each other.

Posted by   on (January 10, 2011, 14:10 GMT)

SOURAV PREMIER LEAGUE(SPL) CHEER LEADERS- SRK,PRIETI AND SHILPA(WHO WILL HAVE NO WORK AFTER THE IPL LOSES THE TRP WAR WITH SPL COMISSNER- LALIT MODI(WHO ELSE)

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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