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'Could you open your eyes wider, Suraj?'

Sri Lanka are in England and they have got their bowling attack planned. Just one little snag...

Alex Bowden

Comments: 29 | Text size: A | A
Suraj Randiv and Tillakaratne Dilshan prepare during nets, Dambulla, tri-series, August 18, 2010
"You're going to really have to work on your comedy batting if you're to fool them, aren't you?" © Associated Press

Dilshan: Okay, let's start with the openers. Any ideas?

Sangakkara: Well, we could get Murali on early and… oh.

Dilshan: "Oh" indeed. We've no Murali. We need some different plans.

Jayawardene: I don't like it. I'm not happy.

Sangakkara: England have got two left-handers opening the batting. I think we could ask the quicks to go round the wicket to them. That might work.

Dilshan: Why? Do you think they'll struggle with the change of angle?

Sangakkara: Not so much that. It's just that going round the wicket will create more rough for later in the game.

Dilshan: For what?

Sangakkara: Well, for… oh.

Dilshan: We haven't got Murali. I can't emphasise this enough. We have to come up with plans that don't revolve around him.

Jayawardene: I really don't like it. I'm really not happy about this at all.

Dilshan: But the round-the-wicket idea isn't necessarily a bad one. We can try that. And we have still got an offspinner.

Sangakkara: We have?

Dilshan: Yes, we have - Randiv.

Sangakkara: Randiv?

Dilshan: Yes, Randiv. Suraj Randiv.

Sangakkara: It's not ringing a bell.

Dilshan: He's played for Sri Lanka about 30 times. Suraj Randiv.

Sangakkara: No. Nothing. I'm drawing a complete blank.

Dilshan: Tell you what, I'll get him in here. See if it jogs your memory.

Jayawardene: This isn't good. I'm not happy. Not happy at all.

Dilshan: Suraj. Suraj, get in here. We want a quick word.

Jayawardene: Not happy. Not happy. Not one bit.

Dilshan: Suraj, Kumar was just, er, wondering if you had any ideas about bowling to the England batsmen.

Randiv: Just keep it tight, you know. Good lines. Wait for mistakes.

Dilshan: Mahela, stop doing that. Stop looking at him like that. Stop staring. It's intimidating. Give the poor lad a chance.

Jayawardene: Who does he think he is?

Sangakkara: Hmm. I dunno. I'm just not sure whether this is really going to work. I mean he's not Murali, is he?

Randiv: No, I'm not Murali. If I can do half the things he did, I'll be proud of myself. I'm sure I can do a good job for Sri Lanka, though.

Sangakkara: Could you, er… Could you maybe open your eyes a bit wider, Suraj?

Randiv: Sorry?

Sangakkara: Just, you know, open your eyes as wide as they'll go. Good and wide.

Randiv: What, like this…?

Sangakkara: Yeah, that's kind of it. That's kind of a start.

Dilshan: See? It's not so bad. We can cope without Murali.

Jayawardene: Don't say that. Take that back right now.

Dilshan: No, it's fine. It's not ideal, but we've got Suraj. This can work.

Sangakkara: I'm still not really feeling it.

Dilshan: No?

Sangakkara: No.

Dilshan: How about if he bent his wrists a bit further? Would that help?

Sangakkara: Maybe.

Dilshan: Suraj, could you sort of flap your wrists back as if you've got extra joints?

Randiv: Well, no…

Dilshan: Oh… This is a problem.

Sangakkara: This is a problem.

Jayawardene: Get out… Just get out of my sight… Get out of my sight right now.

RSS FeedAlex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Posted by Dummy4 on (May 30, 2011, 7:20 GMT)

loved it! But I think Randiv is better than this article suggests. Maybe it should have been Mendis instead of Randiv.

Posted by Sinhhalaya on (May 29, 2011, 9:12 GMT)

Funny? Maybe going back to school and "Humour 101" will help.

Posted by Dummy4 on (May 28, 2011, 7:26 GMT)

Mahela is not happy with Dilshan Tactics......:)

Posted by Dummy4 on (May 28, 2011, 6:57 GMT)

Point proven aptly and in a very well documented. Perfect.

Posted by Dummy4 on (May 28, 2011, 5:05 GMT)

Simple and effective...... good one Mr.Bowden .... And people should stop being so touchy about humorous articles.Its just a joke.

Posted by Cric on (May 28, 2011, 5:01 GMT)

Hehe.... hillarious article this is. How irreplaceable Murali is. Randiv's a good spinner. I'm sure SL will find many great spinners in the future. Everyone doesn't have to be Murali. They'll have to be themselves. The more we miss Murali, the more we'll have to move on.

Posted by Dummy4 on (May 28, 2011, 4:20 GMT)

I really don't like it. I'm really not happy about this at all. ROFL jayawardena

Posted by Fauzer on (May 28, 2011, 3:29 GMT)

Nice try Alex Bowden, but the bad news for you is that Sri Lankans don't present themselves as ideal targets for sattire.

They are humble enough without being week, and just play the cricket in the best spirit and do it well.

The other bad news is that you are not nearly as funny as Andy Zaltzman.

Posted by al on (May 27, 2011, 22:57 GMT)

@Nikhil Pradhan : LOL!!!!! :)

Posted by Dummy4 on (May 27, 2011, 18:05 GMT)

The Match Result will tell the story for sure. Come on Sri Lanka.

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