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You know how it won't fail to rain if it's the day you decided not to take the umbrella, wore white pants and suede shoes (which is also a crime against fashion)? It's called tempting Fate, that nasty old lady who wants you to believe that you're not in control, that you're destiny's child (but not the bootylicious one). Generally we'd advise you not to tempt her but these are dire days. Waiting for Tendulkar's 100th hundred has meant too many sleepless nights wondering if our servers can take the surge when he does get it. So let's get it over with in this series. Let's tempt fate into believing we really don't care, or don't think it will ever happen. Make it convincing, okay?
If you really love him - and if you don't, what are you doing on this site? - would you consider moving to a cricketless, and maybe news-less, country for the next few seasons? We hear North Korea is quite nice in the summer.
You're on Facebook, right? If not, how are you going to "like" this piece? So get on it and post messages about the very unlikely possibility of Tendulkar getting his 100th hundred. Because once it's out there, floating in cyberspace, theoretically possible for 500 million people to see, fate's going to make sure the opposite happens. Give your post a snazzy title, like "Ponting's so gonna get 100 b4 Sachin duz".
Don't buy that dream home you've been saving for. Use the money to place bets against Tendulkar getting to the milestone. Move in with your parents.
Not that the Indian board would listen to us, but there are some things it could do too to speed up the process. It could leak documents "revealing" that it wants to drop Tendulkar in order to promote young talent.
Announce a schedule of only Twenty20s for the next two seasons. (It's a scary thought, but then the BCCI might just listen to us here.)
Spread the rumour that the board is considering giving this year's Player of the Year award to Rahul Dravid, to finally give credit where it's due etc.
Publish a front-page article that statistically proves Bradman was greater than Tendulkar ever will be. And while you're at it, junk all pre-written tributes, comments and editorials about the milestone. Tell your advertisers you'll wing it "if" it happens.
Bring all the reporters covering the England-India series back home because of the "foregone" conclusion.
Write a piece full of contrived humour about how you can get Tendulkar his hundred.
To make sure our efforts don't go waste, his team-mates need to look after him.
Don't injure him during practice, sneeze into his food (unless he's exceptionally rude to you), keep him up late at night asking him how to play the short ball (geniuses can't explain their techniques) or irritate him with Facebook friend requests.
Don't mention the hundred in front of him, but also don't pretend like there is no elephant in the room. Acknowledge the elephant from time to time with a clever joke.
Also, do laugh at his jokes, listen in wide-eyed wonderment when he reminisces (even when the stories stray towards the apocryphal), and agree vehemently if he says the spirit of cricket is more important than winning a match.
And most importantly, don't run him out.
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